S/o peer pressure - cell phone

amother

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 12:37 pm

DD is one of four girls in her class that don't have a cell phone - yet. She agrees that she doesn't need one (we got another landline at home that's exclusively for her use) but wants one cuz "everyone has". When I asked her what the girls do with the phone (they don't have text) she says it's just cool to take it out of your pocket and flip it open. And maybe call the girl who left 3 minutes before you. She's BH well liked and confident and has friends. I just don't know what to do.

If I get her a phone now it's only because everyone has one and that goes against my sense of what's right. And what I'm always preaching. I always tell my kids that we don't need what everyone has. Otoh she needs to fit in, right? Otherwise she'll feel (not be!) deprived. What to do?

She's not begging for one, she just keeps mentioning it. She told me her friend drove her mother crazy and got one.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 12:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

Can I ask what's the reason you don't want her to have a cell phone? Because the answer depends on your reason.

If it just because a generation gap where you feel it's an extra, while its a current staple for most girls nowadays, then I would get it for her.

If you have financial concerns or other valid reasons, then it changes things.

amother

Geranium

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 12:45 pm

I got a kosher flip phone but not specifically for my daughter. It’s for all the kids. If someone is going out, I want to be able to be in touch. The phone is never allowed to be brought to school. It has to be in the kitchen charging by 9:30pm so this way no one is talking unsupervised late at night.
It’s for safety. Everyone has to ask before they take it out of the house.
If your daughter doesn’t need it for safety then don’t buy one.
If you do buy one then you must set the rules very clearly.

amother

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 12:49 pm

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

Thanks for this. Your response made me think. The main reason I don't want her to have a phone is because I can't stand when girls (and women) talk on the phone while on street, it's very not refined. And we're also not looking for extra expenses...

amother

Peachpuff

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 12:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

I see where youre coming from.

Not saying I agree.

If you wanted, whenever or if you decide to get one, you could say its only for emergencies or important calls.
If she wants to chat, she should so at home.

You know your daughter best, if this is something shed be ok with.

Personally, We have a spare phone that my daughter uses at night.
I know she texts her friends but she also uses it as an alarm.

Should I be stopping this?
She is 11.

amother

Cyclamen

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 12:59 pm

amother Peachpuff wrote:

IMHO, there's no reason why an 11 year old needs to be texting, but wether it's acceptable or not, is probably community dependent.
I would try to shield my kids from texting for as long as possible. It can get out of hand pretty fast, especially for young kids, and the ramifications can effect them for a long time.

amother

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 1:07 pm

amother Peachpuff wrote:

Yes you should! Kids should not be sleeping with phone in their rooms. The texting part is fine, she knows you can see the texts.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 1:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

How old is your daughter?

You can make contingencies on the phone, as in not talking in the street unless absolutely needed.

I can't comment on the financial aspect, as it's not my place. But I will say it's hard to be the outlier during the teenage stage. And as they navigate high school they tend to be outside of the home more and more, they can really use a phone for a number of practical reasons. Just curious what your dd does now if she needs a phone when she is running errands or out with her friends? Is she frequently borrowing someone's to make those calls?

mha3484

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 1:10 pm

11 is very young. I have a 13 year old son that goes to learn at night and he calls me if he needs something from the shul phone. He does not have his own and I am not in a rush to buy him one. Maybe in 8th grade I will consider a talk only phone. But at 11 he was way too immature.

amother

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 1:11 pm

mommyla wrote:

We have a “family cell phone” for teens to use, which comes in handy when they go out with friends but is mostly used at home and is apparently way better than our landline Wink

The "family phone" quickly ends up becoming the oldest's kids phone.

mha3484

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 1:12 pm

My mother had a family phone when I was a teenager and it was whoever drove the car took the phone. It doesn't have to become the oldest kids. Some nights I took it, some my sister. But we knew it was neither of ours unless we wanted to pay the phone bill.

amother

Cornsilk

Thu, Feb 01 2024, 1:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

Does your daughter know this is a value of yours? Have you discussed it with her? Does she share it?

Not saying you need to get her a phone at all. That's a separate question, on which I have no opinion. But if the only thing preventing her from talking loudly on the phone in the street is the fact that she doesn't own a phone, then you're not actually succeeding in giving over your value to her.

However you resolve your immediate question of getting/not getting the phone, you should be thinking about how to give this value over to her in an effective way, such that she internalizes it and it becomes her value too.