How to divide Sheva Brachos?

amother

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 12:32 pm

Chosson's parents are doing Shabbos
Chosson's yeshiva is doing one
One of Chosson's relatives is doing another.
The set-up is leaving us with 2 and one is not the easiest day for us since it's the last day and has to be done by shkiah.
How do people plan this out so it's a bit more equal for both sides?
Us doing Shabbos isn't possible due to logistics of where and when the wedding is.

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 12:35 pm

They are doing Shabbos and two other Sheva Brachos? Sounds like they are doing more than their share.

ETA on last day, our SIL's friends did a lunch Sheva Brachos for him. DH and I didn't go (wasn't expected, and wasn't local).
Also, it's not so much about dividing and being equal. It's about doing what works for everyone involved. Our SIL's family had another Simcha that week, so we ended up taking 3 Sheva Brachos (thanks so much to my wonderful aunts, sisters, and SILS) plus Shabbos, because it worked. There is so much less stress when people do what works, rather than focusing on what is even.

Last edited by Chayalle on Mon, Feb 05 2024, 12:37 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Ruby

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 12:36 pm

I mean it would either be 2 or 3

3 would be equal so if you feel you want the extra one then push for it. They don’t need a separate relative one if they’re also doing shabbos, that can be combined

Is having one more important to you? Or is the issue which days you’ve been given?

amother

Phlox

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 12:39 pm

You can make a melave malka or a lunchtime meal if you want to add in more. Think of it as less pressure on you.

amother

Charcoal

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 12:39 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Yep.

Standard is Kallah's side takes shabbos. For whatever reason it is swapped here (city of couple, chosson's parents location etc). You don't have a choice with dates anymore. You can do something easy and small in a milky restaurant or if anyone on your side offered, parents, aunts you pass that night over to them.

amother

Lilac

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 1:20 pm

The last sheva brochos is usually a chilled affair. I know a lot of people who've done it either as a lunch or even a brunch. It can be much more lower key, and you can keep it small.
I think realistically since they're doing most of them, you probably don't have much choice about doing the final 2.

amother

Vanilla

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 1:22 pm

OP, it seems like they're doing more than their fair share. I don't think you can get out of making 2 sheva brachos. That's part of marrying off kids.

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 1:54 pm

amother Charcoal wrote:

In Israel plenty of couples skip Shabbos Chattan (before wedding) altogether (yes chattan has an aliyat HaTorah but no kiddush party) and the two sides split the costs for Shabbos SB.
OP, you have less SB than the other side. What so you want?

amother

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 2:07 pm

amother Ruby wrote:

I was under the impression OP wanted more, not less

OP can you clarify?

OP here....we thought it would be divided 3 and 3, especially since they are doing Shabbos.

flowerpower

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 2:13 pm

In my circles it goes as follows-

Chossons side does the aufruf shabbos

Wedding night (both)
Shabbos Sheva brachos plus shalosh seudas( kallahs side)
2 sheva brachos for the kallahs side
2 sheva brachos for the chossons side
Motzei- whatever they decide. Pizza or married sibs will make or whatever…

Brit in Israel

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 2:17 pm

For the last she a brochas you can do a lunch pizza party or in a milky restaurant to make it easier with the time.
If you want to add one ask them if the yeshiva needs to do as you want to make another one.
It could be the relatives will be happy to drop theirs if the are just doing it because they feel they need to.

By my family it went by whoever 'booked in' first. I don't think there are any rules to how many each side can do.

amother

Vanilla

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 2:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

OP here....we thought it would be divided 3 and 3, especially since they are doing Shabbos.

It's usually 2 and 2 plus shabbos.

amother

Firethorn

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 2:51 pm

It makes sense what most people are saying 2/2 plus Shabbos. In our OOT community if both families live close to each other they will split Shabbos. Actually it's usually friends or relatives who make Shabbos Sheva Brachos so girl's parents don't make.

amother

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 2:59 pm

amother Vanilla wrote:

OP, it seems like they're doing more than their fair share. I don't think you can get out of making 2 sheva brachos. That's part of marrying off kids.

I'm not trying to get out of making any.
I'm really disappointed we aren't making Shabbos Sheva Brachos. It wasn't my idea.
I wish we had more than the 2, but the chosson's relative is now making one.

amother

Vanilla

Mon, Feb 05 2024, 3:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

Maybe you can make one on motzei shabbos?
But it's generally divided 2 and 2, plus shabbos. Meaning that each side, gets 2 weekday sheva brachos.

amother

Green

Tue, Feb 06 2024, 10:28 am

A lot of people don’t have 7 sheva brachos, especially if there’s a travelling day involved. No chiyuv at all. My kids had 4-6 depending on where the wedding was.

Making Shabbos sheva brachos is a lot of work and money so I’d say you got lucky! The new couple is going to be exhausted so probably wouldn’t appreciate a big fancy sheva brachos anyway.

happy7

Tue, Feb 06 2024, 11:09 am

You will be grateful after…
If they are not resentful that THEY are absorbing the cost, then just let it be.
Sheva Brachos is a huge expense.
My SIL is from the west coast, we are on the east coast. When our mechutanim said they wanted Shabbos by them, I was really put off. Isn’t Shabbos for the kallah or to share? But afterwards, I was grateful. I don’t have wealthy family or friends and even the smallest Sheva Brachos for 20 people costs hundreds of dollars (if it’s not pizza, and even if it is… pizza, salads, drinks, paper goods etc also adds up). So it didn’t take long for me to feel relieved that I didn’t have the headache of it.
I went as a guest and it was wonderful. We weren’t at all the Sheva brachos, and that was fine.