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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach
What’s your opinion about this invite? update pg 4
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 1:30 pm
So I’ve received an invite from parents for Pesach overseas. ( hasn’t happened in forever, we’re usually disinvited).
We need to pay our own tickets, we need to arrange, and pay for our own accommodations.
We need to arrive before shabbos Hagadol, but aren’t really welcome for then, only for pesach meals.
I guess the invite covers Pesach seudas..
Breakfast, snack etc. we will need to arrange…
I will also probably need to help with food, so that there would be enough for my families big appetite. (Typical eaters, but on Pesach since we don’t eat bought food there’s lots of food to make).

So work harder and pay more….

Yet, we will get to spend time with overseas family!
We are tight now, but I guess we can swing it if it’s important enough…
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amother
Chicory


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 1:34 pm
That’s not an invitation.

I’m sorry
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naomi2




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 1:37 pm
amother Chicory wrote:
That’s not an invitation.

I’m sorry

I agree it's not a generous invitation but it might be good to go anyway. It's really going to be up to you. spending time with family is one of the most important things in life, if the relationship healthy.
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anonymous mom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 1:38 pm
This sounds like a very unenjoyable situation. I would skip and come in the summer or whenever it's convenient for YOU.

Or even better, maybe you can invite them to you so that you don't incur any extra expenses and still get to spend time with family. Sounds like a win win to me.


Last edited by anonymous mom on Thu, Feb 08 2024, 1:41 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Amaryllis


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 1:39 pm
naomi2 wrote:
I agree it's not a generous invitation but it might be good to go anyway. It's really going to be up to you. spending time with family is one of the most important things in life, if the relationship healthy.


This doesn't seem like a healthy relationship.
It's understandable to be expected to pay for tickets. But to expect your kids to find & pay for accommodations, and only come for meals strictly on pesach, doesn't seem like a healthy relationship to me.
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amother
Vanilla


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 1:47 pm
amother OP wrote:
So I’ve received an invite from parents for Pesach overseas. ( hasn’t happened in forever, we’re usually disinvited).
We need to pay our own tickets, we need to arrange, and pay for our own accommodations.
We need to arrive before shabbos Hagadol, but aren’t really welcome for then, only for pesach meals.
I guess the invite covers Pesach seudas..
Breakfast, snack etc. we will need to arrange…
I will also probably need to help with food, so that there would be enough for my families big appetite. (Typical eaters, but on Pesach since we don’t eat bought food there’s lots of food to make).

So work harder and pay more….

Yet, we will get to spend time with overseas family!
We are tight now, but I guess we can swing it if it’s important enough…


What's the context? Are your parents not nice to you?
Or are they financially/physically unable to accommodate your family's needs?

That should make a big difference in your decision to go.
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lamplighter




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 1:52 pm
If you can afford it, I would do it for your children.
And yes I have done this.
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 1:54 pm
amother OP wrote:
So I’ve received an invite from parents for Pesach overseas. ( hasn’t happened in forever, we’re usually disinvited).
We need to pay our own tickets, we need to arrange, and pay for our own accommodations.
We need to arrive before shabbos Hagadol, but aren’t really welcome for then, only for pesach meals.
I guess the invite covers Pesach seudas..
Breakfast, snack etc. we will need to arrange…
I will also probably need to help with food, so that there would be enough for my families big appetite. (Typical eaters, but on Pesach since we don’t eat bought food there’s lots of food to make).

So work harder and pay more….

Yet, we will get to spend time with overseas family!
We are tight now, but I guess we can swing it if it’s important enough…

Flights and accomodation costs will definitely be on you.
You know your parents. Are they in a tight financial situation? Also take into consideration their age. Do you have siblings who also wish to spend time with your parents?
Direct communication is always the best.
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amother
Lightblue


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 1:56 pm
If you can afford and are able to cope, go.

Sounds like your parents want you to come but know what they can/can't cope with.

Doesn't sound like they're forcing you tho.
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 1:57 pm
amother Amaryllis wrote:
This doesn't seem like a healthy relationship.
It's understandable to be expected to pay for tickets. But to expect your kids to find & pay for accommodations, and only come for meals strictly on pesach, doesn't seem like a healthy relationship to me.

Accommodations as totally on OP IMHO. I understand she is going with kids and DH and parents home isn't large enough for them to stay at.
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amother
Stonewash


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 1:58 pm
amother Vanilla wrote:
What's the context? Are your parents not nice to you?
Or are they financially/physically unable to accommodate your family's needs?

That should make a big difference in your decision to go.


I agree.

I see 2 options here:

1. OP's parents are nice people but are financially in a tough spot and probably sick (or some other reason for little energy) as well. If she still has a good relationship with them, IMO she should try to go.

2. OP's parents are weirdos with some kinda grudge against OP and her family. In this case, she should not go. It will almost certainly be unpleasant.
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amother
Ultramarine


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 2:00 pm
lamplighter wrote:
If you can afford it, I would do it for your children.
And yes I have done this.


You're a special person.

I would never.

This isn't an invitation. They're basically saying that it's finally time to acknowledge your existence as family in the minutest way possible.

Who in her right mind invites people for Pesach but for only the meals and doesn't provide snacks or breakfast or accommodations?!! For her own grandchildren?

I'm sure you know this by now, but the person inviting you is dysfunctional.

I would not subject my kids to this kind of "welcome" - they deserve better.
And I would never subject myself to such difficult circumstances for pesach - you deserve better.

If you want to visit them, visit another time. Not pesach.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 2:02 pm
If there aren't extenuating circumstances I don't think I would be able to put myself through that without getting extremely resentful.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 2:05 pm
There's pretty much no way I would go under those circumstances. But what do you mean when you say you are usually disinvited?
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amother
Brown


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 2:06 pm
amother Amaryllis wrote:
This doesn't seem like a healthy relationship.
It's understandable to be expected to pay for tickets. But to expect your kids to find & pay for accommodations, and only come for meals strictly on pesach, doesn't seem like a healthy relationship to me.


As a daughter, I liked your post.

And then I thought about it a bit. I'm really not sure that I'll always be able to cope with my married children (hypothetical, my kids are still young) being around before YT. I find these days really really stressful. I wonder what will be then. And I hope my kids won't hate me for not always being able to accomodate like I would love to be able to.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 2:09 pm
anonymous mom wrote:
This sounds like a very unenjoyable situation. I would skip and come in the summer or whenever it's convenient for YOU.

Or even better, maybe you can invite them to you so that you don't incur any extra expenses and still get to spend time with family. Sounds like a win win to me.


It’s funny, because they do keep doing that - we host them a lot(on our dime). And probably think it’s instead of us coming to them,
But what most don’t chap is that while we see the grandparents our family ends up missing out on ever seeing our aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins great grandparents etc…which I think is really important.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 2:11 pm
amother Ultramarine wrote:
You're a special person.

I would never.

This isn't an invitation. They're basically saying that it's finally time to acknowledge your existence as family in the minutest way possible.

Who in her right mind invites people for Pesach but for only the meals and doesn't provide snacks or breakfast or accommodations?!! For her own grandchildren?

I'm sure you know this by now, but the person inviting you is dysfunctional.

I would not subject my kids to this kind of "welcome" - they deserve better.
And I would never subject myself to such difficult circumstances for pesach - you deserve better.

If you want to visit them, visit another time. Not pesach.


To be honest, we haven’t been told to provide our own snacks and meals for pesach yet (only the prepesach shabbos was spelled out ) but if we are in our own accommodations then we’re not expected to come by for breakfast or every snack, and it’s not like they’ll fill up my apartment…so we will automatically just need to arrange our own. Which pesach is harder.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 2:14 pm
Now in general responding to posts who questioned.
They aren’t the most capable to accommodate physically, mentally etc..and I guess we were always looked at as the family that can fend for themselves….

But I’m not sure the invite can get better than this…from them….so do I never go?
They’re probably thought a lot into this invite and feel like they are giving so much of themselves! And extending themselves….beyond their usual.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 2:15 pm
groovy1224 wrote:
There's pretty much no way I would go under those circumstances. But what do you mean when you say you are usually disinvited?

On the off chance that in the past I did mention in passing about maybe coming..it was usually shut down….
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Brit in Israel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 08 2024, 2:24 pm
amother OP wrote:
Now in general responding to posts who questioned.
They aren’t the most capable to accommodate physically, mentally etc..and I guess we were always looked at as the family that can fend for themselves….

But I’m not sure the invite can get better than this…from them….so do I never go?
They’re probably thought a lot into this invite and feel like they are giving so much of themselves! And extending themselves….beyond their usual.


If Summer won't be an option instead I would make it work so your children have the experience and visit family. but prepare yourself mentally.
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