How to make Purim seuda without friends a good atmosphere?

amother

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 12:44 pm

Over the years I've had better and worse Purims. I've learnt to do what works for our family (which includes some neurodivergent kids) which is to make the seuda at home with carefully chosen guests. We are BT so family doesn't make it the right atmosphere.
The last couple of years have worked out quite well but this year the people I've tried to invite already have made other plans and I'm just seeing that it is going to maybe end up just being the 6 of us and I can just see that being miserable . Just emphasising how out of it socially we are because of our kids' special needs, plus the lack of frum family. I just don't know what to do to make it better. Maybe someone on this site has some good suggestions which will work. Or you can daven for us that somehow we get some good guests and it will actually be ok after all.
Thanks :-(
I want my kids to love Purim and all the yom tovim and at the moment they (apart from the otd teenager) are looking forward to it. I feel like it's going to be a big anticlimax and not a great day.

justforfun87

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 12:49 pm

Do you have a community seuda you could possibly join?

amother

Midnight

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 12:56 pm

I am also a BT. No frum family or siblings or siblings in laws etc. It will be me, DH, toddler and newborn. I hate Purim. My husband will take the toddler to shul, I will stay home and read or watch something. No practical advice, just commiserating.
I guess it doesnt get easier Sad

amother

Aqua

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 1:05 pm

Can you incorporate your kids participation in ways that would make them happy? Not knowing age or degree/details of nd, but maybe cooking or baking something, making decorations, maybe putting together a skit, or a game to play at the seuda?

We've had multiple Purim meals just us, once one dc made up a menu (with items we were planning on serving, adding funny made up things, with Persian "hashkacha" etc) & they dressed up as waitress & took our ordersat the table.

Not sure your family's vibe & obviously want to take dhs preferences into consideration, but while I'm more spiritually inclined, I try to let go & give priority to warmth, fun on their terms etc. I'm not so into music but will sometimes play music to add to a fun mood; if your kids enjoy music maybe one could be in charge of creating a Playlist?

Highstrung

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 1:07 pm

Are there any rabbis or rebbetzins or families you were close to when on your BT journey ? My parents became frum and had families and rabbis they had a connection to , who we went to every Purim . We’d hop around from place to place and ate the Seuda at our surrogate “Bobby and Zaidy”.
It makes me sad that you have absolutely nobody .

amother

PlumPink

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 1:11 pm

This may not feel like purim style, but may suit you nd kids (I have 2 of them too) better. You can make it feel like a high end exclusive event. Gorgeous tablescape, plated fancy looking food, soft music, turn off some of the lights and light candles.

mha3484

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 1:11 pm

We have our seuda with just the immediate family and its fine. We spend all day running around giving MM and seeing friends, rebbeim etc when we come home for the meal, it doesnt feel pathetic. I serve food everyone likes, we set the table with fun paper goods, sing, dance and then I let everyone watch megillas lester. Its a nice meal and it works for us.

amother

Viola

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 1:12 pm

Pretend its a party with just the family

Plan a theme and games, and get everyone involved in decorating and preparing.

Do your neurodivergent kids have special interests? Post them here and we can think of ways to turn it into a purim related theme. You can also plan the menu around it, and add music and dancing.

Try to arrange safe plans for your OTD teen - if they are bored they will probably hang out with friends and purim can be really unsafe for that crowd

amother

Latte

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 1:15 pm

Decorations, fancy foods, music- all to create a vibe.

Reach out to your rabbi and schools to ask if they know of anyone who needs a seudah. If there’s a college campus nearby, there might be someone there too.

amother

Stone

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 1:40 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

Sounds so depressing! Sad

There are no frum families in your neighborhood that you can bring mishloach manos to? This is exactly the point of this mitzva, to make friends!!
Nobody you can invite for the seuda?

amother

Lilac

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 1:56 pm

We put on lots of music and have a pinanta every year filled with prizes. The kids "smash" Haman and they wait for it each year. (I use a pinanta with a fave and make a Haman hat out of oak tag) We set up real pretty and just make it a blast. Some years we make a family party.

My kids wait each year for Purim.

amother

Broom

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 2:38 pm

How about having your OTD so bring friends for the meal? Many of them don't have a warm place to be. They dress up so no issue there on purim. Have good snacks & light food with good music. These are such good kids with wonderful souls that are hurting so badly. They can use a friendly adult & happy environment.

amother

Viola

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 2:48 pm

amother Broom wrote:

Would not recommend with neurodivergent kids- unless these are kids you know and can trust.
Purim is unfortunately a day of a lot of drugs and drinking in OTD teen circles, and would mean a lot of behavior that would trigger a kid with ASD

amother

Amaryllis

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 2:58 pm

On Purim it is definitely socially acceptable to invite yourselves out (at least in my circles).
Typically to someone who hosts a bigger party or to a Rav (who probably has lots of people coming and going).
Many people are more than happy to host even not such good friends, as it helps with the Purim atmosphere (more the merrier), as well as the spirit of purim (extending friendship).

Tao

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 2:59 pm

Does your shul by any chance do a communal Purim seuda? Or maybe another one close by to you?

amother

Midnight

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 3:20 pm

amother Stone wrote:

Sounds so depressing! Sad

There are no frum families in your neighborhood that you can bring mishloach manos to? This is exactly the point of this mitzva, to make friends!!
Nobody you can invite for the seuda?

Of course there are frum families but everyone is with their own families I am not asking for pity invites Im a good cook and will make a nice seuda. It just gets lonely.

amother

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 3:52 pm

OP here
Wow! Thank you all for your responses and caring input. What a kind community this is. I'll try and address the different points brought up. I'm sure that even if some of the suggestions aren't shayach to us, they will be useful for other imamothers.

@justforfun87 @Tao- a community seuda wouldn't really suit our family. I'm sure that that would work for some people but not for us.

@Amother Midnight - I really feel for you. It's really hard being at home with really little ones on Purim and feeling like you are missing out. It's not too late for you to find a way to enjoy it though. I personally do find the megillah reading really meaningful and you should be able to find a megillah reading that you'll be able to go after your husband has been, while he is with the kids. Put on the Purim music in the car and do some delivering all together? In general the toddler and newborn stage is really hard. Interesting that I'm talking to myself as well as to you, we are going to find a way to make this year a positive one. I really get what you mean re pity invites and feeling lonely. And feeling like you can't openly talk about it with anyone.

@Amother Aqua - yes yes yes. Lots of things here to work with, thank you

@Highstrung - re those we had connections with on our BT journey - not so much locally, and there gets a point in many BT's journey where they feel like they have "graduated" from the local BT scene even though we need the support still. It's a tricky one and a bigger topic than just Purim. Also, the people we have that relationship still are not necessarily so local (or even in the same country), or they have their own family get togethers and aren't necessarily the right people to be going to for Purim. It would be lovely if we still had that support, but we don't. It's something we are aware of all year round, but Purim brings it more into focus than other days.

@Amother PlumPink - I'm not sure that I'm capable of making my home like that, but definitely making a real effort with the seuda would be a great idea. I myself would love to go to a high end exclusive event!!

@mha3484 I just feel like it will just feel like a regular Shabbos meal rather than Purim - do you know what I mean? It's really great that you manage to make the atmosphere work when it is just you. I'm not sure that my husband and I can do on our own. And he'd like to have company to drink with too! (In a very respectable way of course)

@amother Viola - I'm going to give some thought to how to integrate this. The OTD is also ND and doesn't have a lot of friends, but yes, it is a high priority to me to make sure that he wants to be with us. He'll do whatever he can to opt out of the day - but he still needs to eat! So the seuda is the one opportunity in the day when we can try and bring Purim to him, even if he doesn't want to do any of the other mitzvos of the day

@amother Latte - good idea to see if there are others who need a meal. Thank you for suggesting. We don't often have "randoms" at our table though. I'm sure that that would work for many.

@amother Stone - yes we have friends and neighbours to deliver MM to, and teachers, and kids school friends. I hope that Midnight also has those she can think of to take to. The delivering part of the day is a lovely part, if done correctly (plan your route well, eat breakfast first etc)

@amother Lilac - pinata sounds like an excellent idea. I've not done one before but I bet the kids would love it

@amother Broom/Viola - He hasn't got a lot of friends, but does have one in particular. I hadn't actually thought to invite them as I thought that the family probably already has plans. But I'm going to see. Thank you for the suggestion. It is definitely a tricky one as we want it to be Purimy and not descend into the kind of debates our Shabbos meals are often turned into.

@Amother Amaryllis - yes - but I don't want to feel like a nebach. And also, it doesn't work for my kids to just go to someone we don't know very well. And personally I don't enjoy feeling on the edge of things, knowing that I'm only there because they felt sorry for me.

Thank you all!

amother

Viola

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 4:31 pm

Here is an example of how you can use a special interest to transform purim.

Say they are into Harry Potter. You do harry potter purim the -have a "muggela" at each plate, a sign welcoming into The order of the King, look on pinterest for decor and food ideas inspired by the books. You can have a matching game with megila figure to harry potter characters (voldermort can be haman, acheshverosh can be dumbeldore, vashti can be umbridge, bigsan vaseresh could be crabbe and goyle...)

If you feel comfortable sharing there interests I would love to help brainstorm. If you or your husband is the type to work purim torah into the theme it can be next level and inspirational too.

Then music and a pop the balloons is fun - it can get everyone dancing. Or a dancing game like they have in arcade places with purim music...

Highstrung

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 4:31 pm

I have had a few Purims where we were just us and it was still nice and festive . It’s just a shorter Seuda than I have when we have guests .

Decorate the table in a fun and colorful way.
Serve food the kids find fun and special

Put on Purim music and make sure it’s LOUD 😆

If you have disco lights or colorful lights , put those on too

Everyone get up an dance and let your energy out

Everyone should be wearing something funny to the Seuda , a funny hat , shirt , glasses etc

Hand out party bags with goodies (if you don’t want to do sugar , do small prizes that they’d appreciate)

Play a Purim version with f Pin the tail on the donkey . Like “Pin the bottle cap on the wine bottle” or pin the filling into the center of the hamantasch”.

Don’t do Dvar torahs and stuff if it bores or aggravates any kids . You want to focus on the happiness and joy of the day . Save the seriousness for Shabbos.

amother

Bluebell

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 5:02 pm

Another suggestion if you're afraid of turning into a Shabbos seudah: ditch the table.

Set up a picnic on the floor with a giant blanket. Sit around on pillows Persian style. Purim is a wonderful time to think outside the box.

I don't know your children, but many ND kids have a wonderful sense of creativity because they see the world a little different. Can you have a family brainstorming session where everyone thinks of zany ideas, and then you pick a few to do?

Another idea kids, especially ND kids, love: ask then what they would have always loved to do. Eat with their fingers? Sure. Have dessert first? Of course. It's Purim!

One final important point for every family, but especially those with ND children. Make sure to serve a healthy filling breakfast. It's hard to do with all that's going on and wanting to get on with your day. But this is the biggest thing in terms of preventing meltdowns on Purim. Everyone needs to eat something real, healthy, and substantial in the morning. Adults too. If that means taking an hour to make eggs or pancakes, you'll save it later in the tantrums you avoid.