Complete independence for 18 year old

amother

Lavender

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:29 pm

amother Dahlia wrote:

And that I disagree with. She is probably looking to see the northern lights and the scenery, flora and fauna. You need to know your child. Mine is not going to bars/night clubs, drinking or meeting strangers.

It doesn't matter. It's still hefker for 18 year olds to travel by themselves.
(And you can't know what they'll actually end up doing, even the best kids.)

nicejewishgal

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:31 pm

amother Lavender wrote:

OP, is it the norm in your community/circles for 18 year olds to travel to foreign countries by themselves?

nope not at all that's why I started this thread

amother

Lavender

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:32 pm

nicejewishgal wrote:

started it bec I got some heat. right now, I don't see what the prob is but if I find reason not to allow her, I wouldn't - and she's a great kid so if I tell her I don't let her she won't go. but on what ground can I tell I don't let her go (especially if in that case she wud pay by herself.) If I tell her she can't go - isn't that controlling. she wants to go and she's old enough to suffer the consequences of her choices (not that there should be any but just saying)
if I continue babying her, when and how would she grow up?

You seem do be thinking in extremes, black and white.
It's not babying her, it's not controlling. It's just not safe & age appropriate. And no, I don't think 18 is old enough to chas v'shalom suffer consequences that sometimes happen when young adults travel alone. The consequences are often unsafe & dangerous.
A frum girl that has just graduated 12th grade, doesn't have the experience of being out in the world yet, and the experience it takes to travel alone.
I'd encourage her to wait at least till next summer.

amother

Crystal

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:33 pm

Second vote that Iceland is literally one of the safest countries. Been there several times (with my family and on my own for work) and it's an amazing experience. If she goes with a friend, great. I'd be less worried than if she went to Europe or Asia.

Highstrung

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:33 pm

When DS just turned 18 asked me if he could go away with friends for Shabbos just to another state , I was ok with him going . My issue is that I needed information . Where was he staying ? Who’s driving ? Can he provide a phone # from a friend that’s also joining in case I couldn’t reach him, etc.
All his answers were “I don’t know”. I told him to get me that info and then I’ll be totally cool with him going . I just wanted to make sure he would be safe and we would know where he is in case of an emergency c”v. A day later he sent me all the info.
I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable with DS flying alone to Iceland . With a friend is slightly different , but I’d think he’s still too young. When DS was 20 he went to Guatemala with a friend for two weeks . I felt totally fine with him doing that . It’s hard to let go. Some of my kids are more independent than others and would know how to navigate challenges should they come up. Some of my kids need more hand holding so it really depends on the personality of each child.

amother

Foxglove

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:37 pm

nicejewishgal wrote:

According to your posts you seem to think that once a child hits a certain age parents have zero responsibility toward them and can no longer have a say in their lives. I really don't relate to that.
Growing up doesn't mean that she now gets full responsibility over everything in her life.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:41 pm

Genius wrote:

There’s a difference between an 18 year old fresh out of school and a twenty year old and definitely a 22 year old.

Exactly. There's technically no difference between a 15/16 year old & and an 18 year old, if they're both still in school & living at home. Both don't have the experience of the outside world.

amother

Foxglove

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:46 pm

nicejewishgal wrote:

I'm very proud of how independent my kids are, they schedule their own appointments, take care of their own commitments.... and non of them have traveled to another country on their own. You're totally blowing this out of proportion, babysitting her? Really?

nicejewishgal

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:47 pm

amother Lavender wrote:

Exactly. There's technically no difference between a 15/16 year old & and an 18 year old, if they're both still in school & living at home. Both don't have the experience of the outside world.

ok this I understand. A child needs to see the world to turn into healthy mature responsible adult.

so shud I really second guess my decision to let her go? but it feels so unfair to do that, esp if I know she won't do anything silly. she loves nature and that's why she wants to go.

gosh what do I do? let her or not let her?

amother

Brickred

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:47 pm

I think it "not being done" in your circles is actually the best reason to dissuade her. If there's a real chance of long term social consequences, then she needs to be made aware of that and rethink things. I'm just not understanding why people are going bananas over Iceland. If she wanted to visit a third world country, or a country that has had a known uptick in antisemitism, so fine, say no. But this level of handwringing over Iceland is ridiculous. By that standard, nobody should walk the streets of Brooklyn ever!

amother

Jade

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:52 pm

I was traveling from 19-20 pre cell phone days, no GPS. In retrospect not everything we did was safe like walking around Washington DC, taking an Amtrak and arriving at Penn Station at midnight with no plan to get home, driving around for hours on a highwaylost on a road trip, etc.
I think it's safe for her to go, the question is do you care what everyone else thinks? Is she or is your family going to get a reputation for being wild or irresponsible? You need to decide of its worth it.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:59 pm

nicejewishgal wrote:

and also, for those that wouldn't let their adult child go - is it bec of safety reasons or ruchniyos reasons - like being afraid of outside influences or wtvr?

For sure about safety.

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 1:00 pm

nicejewishgal wrote:

and also, for those that wouldn't let their adult child go - is it bec of safety reasons or ruchniyos reasons - like being afraid of outside influences or wtvr?

Only for safety reasons. I agree with the others that this is inappropriate for an 18 year old with zero life experience.

Has she traveled on her own in nearby areas? Has she ever made arrangements on her own, and demonstrated skills to manage travel plans on the go when they dont work out. Does she have the street smarts to know how to navigate different laws in different countries. Does she have the awareness of the dangers young inexperienced teens may encounter in the secular world? Will she have the ability to access large funds if she needs to make emergency, time- dependent changes? Etc. Etc. Etc.

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 1:00 pm

amother Jade wrote:

Times were quite different when we were growing up.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 1:00 pm

nicejewishgal wrote:

I'd have her wait at least another year. From a safety perspective. She'd hopefully mature & grow a lot in this year, and become more savvy & ready to travel alone.

Is it a possibility for you to go with her this summer?

Highstrung

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 1:02 pm

nicejewishgal wrote:

and also, for those that wouldn't let their adult child go - is it bec of safety reasons or ruchniyos reasons - like being afraid of outside influences or wtvr?

For me it’s all about safety .

nicejewishgal

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 1:07 pm

amother Lavender wrote:

not rly an option. very caught up with work... I'd feel really bad if she wasn't able to go.

in regards to needing to be more mature, more aware do you think it would be helpful to have a long safety talk? giving her a crash course on how to travel by yourself? don't you think that can prepare her sufficiently?