How does it work in your house- erev shabbos?

amother

Junglegreen

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 12:20 pm

It's best if you start when they're very young, but it's never too late.
1.You start gradually, assigning an age-appropriate task or tasks to each child.
2.You show them what to do, watch them do it once or twice, then let them do it unsupervised.
3. You accept the job as they do it and don't do it over afterwards. They will improve with practice.
4. You rotate jobs so the same kid doesn't do the same job/s week after week, and so that they all eventually learn all the jobs. This also eliminates the "my job is so hard and her job is so easy, it's NOT FAAAAAIIIIRRRRR!" This week you have the hardest job, week after next you'll have the easiest.
5. As kids get older and more proficient at their tasks, you gradually add more.
6 If you have more kids than jobs for them to do (but if you can't find something for everyone, you're not trying), you can include a formal "off week" on the rota.

zaq

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 12:31 pm

Even if you are a duchess (or just think you are) with a full domestic staff that keeps your home pristine, you should still give your children a few maintenance tasks. First of all, from a religious standpoint, it's incumbent on every person to do something to prepare for Shabbat, even if he is wealthy with many servants. Second, you want your children to understand that life is not a free ride and every member of the family has a certain responsibility to keep the house livable. Finally, you want them to learn basic domestic skills because they will not always be living in your ducal palace with a full domestic staff. They will eventually attend sleepaway camp, yeshiva, seminary, college, or live in a singles apartment or a newlywed apartment without benefit of paid help, and you want them to be capable of keeping the place from going to heck in a handbasket.

amother

Banana

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 1:02 pm

My mother always split up the jobs before we got home from school on Friday. She posted a paper on the fridge and it was our responsibility to get it done before shabbos. Jobs including mopping, cleaning the kitchen, dishes, sweeping, cleaning up toys...
My kids are too little now, idk how it will play out by me.

amother

Cherry

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 9:39 am

I grew up with the whole household focused on how much you helped out that day or week and being guilted into being a regular child and trying to get out of it.

In order for your children to want to willingly participate in household chores, they must associate it with positivity. No critisizing the way it's done except perhaps some helpful tips and the first few times, demonstrate how you want it done.

My relative does as follows:
She writes a long list of all tasks e.g. fold laundry, set shabbos timers, mop the floor, set table etc. and she'll sign her name next to a few of the tasks listed and everyone in the house is trusted to do the same according to ability and age. If a child isn't feeling well, they're trusted to take something appropriate or nothing at all but not abusing this method. It's a family project to get ready for shabbos.

My kids are only toddler and baby. So far, I stress that he clean up the toys and then exclaim how tidy the room is. Occasional incentive is necessary. I sometimes do it together. I also make sure he cleans up messes that he created. E.g. he threw pasta all over the floor so before I gave him his bottle, he picked them up with a fork and plate. I sat next to him and guided him.

I must mention that I live in Isreal and childrne there help out tremendously. They are way less entitled and bratty. I think it's a culture where the parents are not afraid to expect children to pitch in. (Sometimes too much!).

amother

Sienna

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:26 am

Can't tell you what I do, I only have a toddler. But I can tell you what my parents did. We weren't spoiled kids and we only had cleaning help once a week (not fridays).
My mother made a list each friday of everything she needed help with. Each child had to sign up for at least 2 jobs. Once you did your jobs, showered, and were ready for Shabbos, you got an erev Shabbos treat. At the beginning they did donuts or danishes but after a while we decided as a family to donate the money to Yad Eliezer instead and we got a store bought kugel for us all to share (if you did your job, of course).
We obviously complained, we were normal kids, but it worked. I don't remember ever being particularly resentful. I thought it was normal that we had to help out, and I liked getting the treats.

amother

Lavender

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 12:35 pm

Bh we see it as a privilege to get ready for shabbos. It would be easier for me to do all the cooking and food prep myself but kids love it and it is great chinuch so they get to help. We set an alarm and all blitz the toys and clear up. I am not so fussy but I do like to have our home look tidy and clean for shabbos.
They also help my husband with his jobs- he has to do sponga and bins and get the shabbos nerot ready/ and shabbos table etc

They all get a shabbos treat whether they help or not and shabbos helping is a main feature of the mitzva note for school

amother

Cantaloupe

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 3:55 pm

I wouldn't be able to make shabbos without my kids help. BH they really do help. Teens now. Started when they were younger -- screentime after helping.
I work and our house isn't the most organized. So the kids help with the table (they put the mail on my bed and that's ok), vacuuming, dishes. My nineteen year old who lives in a nearby dormitory and only eats home shabbos day comes to help with the table. BH!!

amother

↑ OP

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 4:17 pm

Wow, I really feel like a loser parent now.
Everyone else seems to have figured out to get their kids to pitch in. I just hate the policing, it's so draining.
This past Friday I did give out some jobs. It was like pulling teeth but they did contribute on some level. Davening it gets easier.

amother

Bluebell

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 4:30 pm

I found once my kids where involved in picking jobs it was much easier (before then I had to beg them and etc)

I made a list of erev shabbos jobs and they all picked the two jobs the enjoyed doing the most. We then hung a clear list on the fridge so everyone remembers what they need to do. When thats done and a shower is taken they can go on their electronics so they rush to do it.

octopus ↓

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 5:06 pm

I have teenagers and this is what I do:

I write out a list of all the jobs that need to get done on shabbos on the main floor. Many times the jobs are broken down into parts. Picking up a room doesn't include sweeping. That's a separate job.Some of those jobs are easy, some of them are hard. Some of it is child care, some is opening diapers, washing bottles. Everyone gets 3-4 jobs. Everyone has to choose one difficult job and one easy job and the others are what you would rather do. It gets written down on an index card.
When you finish your jobs you are free to do what you want until 30 minutes before shabbos. That's "crunch" time and all hands are on deck.

↑ octopus

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 5:08 pm

octopus wrote:

I find when I do this I'm not policing. Everyone knows what they are supposed to do. The weeks I don't do this it's a disaster!!!! In my house I don't give out cleaning your room on Friday. I need help on the main floor. Their rooms get cleaned on Wednesday when I have cleaning help.

Last edited by octopus on Sat, Feb 24 2024, 5:12 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Moonstone

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 5:11 pm

My kids are ages 9, 5, and 2. I have no cleaning help.
The 9 and 5 year old have a chart where they earn points for every job they do. They choose the prize/toy they want at the end.
I don't force them to do jobs but they usually want to so they can earn points.
They like to vaccum the bedrooms, swiffer the kitchen floor, take spray and rag and clean the cabinets, table/chairs, fridge etc

amother

Daphne

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 5:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

Don't worry you're not the only one.
I'm from the older ones in a double digit family of mostly boys.
My default setting was housework and childcare. I rarely got time to be a kid and just chill or do what I want. There were always lists and lists of what I needed to do and in my spare time mountains of laundry to fold.
In case you can't tell I was extremely resentful and overworked.
I have a very very difficult time giving my kids jobs even though I know it's for their benefit too. It just triggers me too much.
My dh is much better at assigning jobs than me. So he's usually the one to do it. But these days he works on Friday (from home) till pretty late so he's not really around.
It's a struggle.

amother

Quince

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 5:39 pm

I don’t give my kids specific jobs. I’d like them to initiate and pitch in where they feel comfortable and derive pleasure from helping. I teach them that a child should never sit while his parent is working. So if kid sees me cleaning the playroom while they’re reading a book on the couch, I’d encourage them to help so they’re not lacking kibbud av vaim. If they want to “help” with the baking, setting table, preparing lecht, Kol hakavod- I make a big deal of it and thank them! I try to make tasks fun so they will WANT To join rather than be “forced” to. When I’m folding laundry, I turn up the music, and one of my sons will always come join. He must like it! (None of the others even think about it) when I take out my mixer, a diff kid comes running!

The only thing I expect, is that after they shower and get dressed, their rooms are neat for shabbos, their shabbos lights turned on, and all muktza stuff put away. I check to make sure it’s done.