Dear Shul event organizers...

amother

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 3:37 pm

If you are going to do a private event for one subsect of the shul- please:
A) make sure to keep it secret and let everyone involved know who is and who isn't invited.
B) can you please make events so that everyone is invited? The fact that there are clearly 2 tiers at the shul is unbecoming for a place that has at least a pretense of spirituality, Achdus and community.

Thank you for your consideration.

Cheiny

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 3:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

I never heard of a Shul making an event for only certain Shul members. That sounds awful. What Rov of a Shul would allow this?

amother

Oldlace

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 3:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

That doesn't sounds practical. They would have to send out personal invitations to each person eligible to come.

Some events are for men. Some are for women. Some are for older crowds. Some are for younger. Unless they are limiting by an individual's weight or shaitel brand, it is just a practicality, not a divisive practice.

amother

Dill

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 3:47 pm

amother Oldlace wrote:

Everyone should be invited to all. You don’t know what age enjoys which events. Other than having men and women separate events.

amother

Oldlace

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 3:50 pm

amother Dill wrote:

Everyone should be invited to all. You don’t know what age enjoys which events. Other than having men and women separate events.

I understand. I don't think the requirements should be so strict. But sometimes having events focused on different groups can be helpful.

watergirl

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 3:58 pm

On the surface, I agree with you. But practically speaking, the nature of these events is that they are meant for different kinds of people and that’s OK.

I can’t ever go to the annual gala. I’m invited along with everybody else, but it’s beyond my financial means. So, am I really invited? Or is this for a higher tier of member than me?

Some events are for young mothers, other events are for grandparents. Some programming is for women under 35, some programming is only for women over 35, etc. I literally got an email today for a special luncheon on a Shabbos for only single people (Never married, divorced, widowed). We have nshei Events, men’s only programming, men’s learning geared towards businessman only, you get the idea.

Some programming is meant for a whole family, and if somebody can’t afford it, they know they can call the office and get a rate that they can afford. That obviously cannot be for everything.

OP, what kind of programming are you referring to?

Last edited by watergirl on Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:05 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Red

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:01 pm

Are you referring to events geared towards people with young kids? A teen event? An event for men? An event for women? An event for newly married? Young at heart crowd?

Or is it just the cool kids or people who donated big money?

amother

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:06 pm

If it was a men's only or women's only event- they post flyers and then obviously only that gender goes. If it is an event for kids, teens etc then they also do flyers. If it is a paid event then anyone who wants to pay can go.
This is when it is for a subsect so not all women are invited. Just some women.
Yes, they can send out private invites. They did. They just didn't make it clear that not everyone is invited so I was asked a few times if I was going, there would be childcare etc. Now I know there is a whole separate class of people who have private events. Way to have achdus.

watergirl

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

Whats the issue with a private event?

amother

Oldlace

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

That sounds really inappropriate. But, it doesn't sound like a widespread situation but rather a shul specific situation. Reach out to the Rav of the shul about this.

amother

Oldlace

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:11 pm

watergirl wrote:

Whats the issue with a private event?

A private event would be someone renting the shul for a specifically private event. Sounds like this was a shul event where only some women were hand picked to be on the invite list.

watergirl

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:15 pm

amother Oldlace wrote:

A private event would be someone renting the shul for a specifically private event. Sounds like this was a shul event where only some women were hand picked to be on the invite list.

So if this is the case, the question is why.

amother

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:22 pm

amother Mistyrose wrote:

Are you the op of the shul seudat shlishit thread?

Didn't see that thread. But funny enough this was a SS... anyone have a link to that thread?
Shul sponsored SS, with childcare (not a given for events, often only for "special" events). This was not something people paid to go to- private invites were sent out to a specific part of the shul. Not others. And it leaked.

But it opened my eyes to how many events happen where we aren't invited. And we are regular every-Shabbos shul goers and active members. Been for over a decade.
Just makes me feel unappreciated, not accepted, and "second class" .

amother

Moonstone

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:30 pm

I never heard of this. Are you saying there was a shalish seudos at your shul with childcare and only some families were invited? If that’s what happened, it’s very unusual. Which families were invited? What made some members eligible for this exclusive get together?
I realize there are shuls that do things I never heard of. A little while ago someone wrote about a shul where members can pay a lot to get their name on a seat for the whole year. Still I’m wondering if there was some misunderstanding here because it doesn’t sound right.

DrMom

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:32 pm

When you say "private event," I think of a bar mitzvah meal or a bris. Some private event that uses the shul space.

In which case, I don't see why the entire shul has to be invited.

amother

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:35 pm

Since I don't know who was invited and who wasn't I can't determine the qualifications for entry.

I honestly don't care if it was "just for women whose husband's first name is Rabbi" or "women who are between 5 and a half feet and 6 feet tall". It really doesn't matter. We are a shul that pretends to care about achdus.

This is exclusionary and rude. And if they still decide to do it then MAKE SURE NO ONE ELSE FINDS OUT. Tell the person setting up, the attendees etc that no one else is to know. But now I know that there are all these secret sub groups that I am not a part of and have no way to join.

I am just glad I didn't show up and realized it was a private shul event.