How to not yell | Imamother

amother

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 10:34 pm

I need help figuring out how to not yell at my kids before bedtime. (Ages 4 to 8)

I love them to pieces. Lights of my life. And I’d say I’m a good mother bh.

My issue happens when it comes to bedtime and getting dressed. I tell them to get into pjs once, then twice, and three times, and by then I’m annoyed and (TBH panicking that it’s past bedtime - I need that quiet evening time for myself) and end up yelling at them.

I always regret it a second later and thinking about it now, it breaks me to pieces. They don't deserve it.

And writing this makes me realize that my father yelled at us as kids and it’s a classic cycle. So I’m intent on breaking the cycle ladies, but how?

TL;DR: How to make bedtime happen smoothly without me raising my voice?

amother

Skyblue

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 10:40 pm

It's SOOO hard!

A few things you can try:

Say once, do once.
Say, "come to put on your PJs."
If there is no response, you hold their hand and help them put on their PJs.
No saying it a million times.

Plan for time-outs (for yourself).
When you feel yourself STARTING to get a little annoyed, make an announcement:
"Mommy is getting frustrated that people are not getting ready for bed. She is going to take a two minute break to calm down."
Lock yourself in your room and take deep breaths for two minutes before coming out.

Build in incentives into the bedtime routine so there are less struggles.
Can you offer a drink of water with a twirly straw for kids that are in bed?
Each kid in bed on time can pick one story to listen to tonight?
You pick your PJs if you put them on yourself, if Mommy puts them on she picks.
If you are in bed on time, Mommy will sit on your bed and sing you a song.

Work on reminding yourself that they WILL go to sleep.
Even if it's not right on time.
And that you will be okay even if you get an hour less of me-time.
When you're not as desperate, you won't feel compelled to yell as much.

Main thing:
Don't beat yourself up over it! These things take time. And trial and error.
But keep trying!

amother

Vanilla

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 10:49 pm

We just skip pjs 🙈. Kids go to sleep naked or in their underwear until they are old enough to do it on their own. Toddler sleeps in Jammies for now because she can’t keep her blanket on. But as soon as she fights it’s done

amother

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 10:54 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

This is amazing. First, can I commend you on how kindly you conveyed this message? ❤️
Second, these tips are actually great. Thanks!

amother

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 10:55 pm

amother Vanilla wrote:

That’s one way of making it work:)

Our apartment is cold at night so wouldn’t work, can totally see it happening if I controlled the temp

mra01385

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 11:04 pm

Getting kids to bed is a struggle many parents have including myself. It doesn’t get any easier as they grow older either. But for a tip which may work maybe try a star chart. If they get 5 stars a week for being in bed on time they get a prize at the end of the week. When they finish the chart they can get maybe a trip to the pizza shop or ice cream shop, or some other thing they like to do or get. Maybe have them pick a prize that they like so they look forward to it. You can also offer to play a short game if they are ready for bed a bit earlier.

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 11:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

Also something I struggle mightily with.

I find that making that line- I will not tell today, really helps me.
What I do instead, speak in a whisper, calmly hold child’s hand and redirect. Sing a song with own words of what has to be done. Bargain such as- you don’t want to shower yet but it’s time for us to get ready so we can prepare your clothes, shower sibling first and then it’s your turn.

Also, changing scenery and discussion and also be a help but this is with really young children.

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 11:32 pm

Also when its not bedtime at another time talk to each kid about problem solving. Maybe they have ideas how to make things go smoother. Hey chaim I noticed bedtime had been hard for you lately which causes a lot of fighting. What can we do to make things go smoother. Wait a min and If he doesnt have suggestions then give him suggestions. Bedtime is 7:30 when I see you are ready in your bed by 7:30 and I only have to give you one reminder that its getting close to bedtime and you are in your bed then I will come lay with you for 10 minutes and you can choose of you want to talk or read a book.
Also instead of giving commands which no one likes to listen to being ordered around… give choices do you want to put on your pjs nicely and have a book or not nicely and miss out on a story.
Do you want to brush your teeth first or get in pjs first. Also staggering bedtimes.

amother

Banana

Fri, Mar 01 2024, 12:40 am

amother Vanilla wrote:

Thats so uncomfortable. Please dont do that.

amother

Thistle

Fri, Mar 01 2024, 1:06 am

amother Vanilla wrote:

why don't you dress them? seriously.

amother

Burgundy

Fri, Mar 01 2024, 1:50 am

When my cup is full I am not so desperate and I can manage the extra ten minutes or whatever it will take. When I’m burnt out then every minute is just making me more edgy.
Bedtime that doesn’t go according to plan can make you crazy.

nursemomma

Fri, Mar 01 2024, 10:10 am

Op I can so relate.
What I found really helped me was reframing it in my head- “it’s ok, they will go to sleep eventually, even if it’s 45 min late. I will get my quiet time. Yelling at them will not make them get to bed faster.” Once I was able to accept this, I am so much calmer, and no longer keep checking my watch.
Also, bedtime charts, or other incentives such as a bedtime story or CD if they’re ready for bed on time.

amother

Ecru

Fri, Mar 01 2024, 10:31 am

Great tips above! A few more…

1- for the younger ones, focus on the start time (like baths/pjs at 7) rather than the end time. There’s less pressure if you’re not trying to get them into bed by a certain time.

2- for my 9 year old, she can read or listen to her books until 8:30, regardless of what time she gets into bed. That usually motivates her to move faster.

3- races, songs, night yoga, etc help keep things positive (when I have the mental energy.)

4- remembering that it’s the end of the day and even with the best plans and parenting, there will still be lots of dragging their feet. Keep a sticker chart for yourself and load up on the chocolate LOL