Out of hand sibling rivalry

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

Sat, Mar 02 2024, 10:22 pm

Three year old and five year old boys
Compare and contrast all the time
They show off and try triggering sibling by any stupid thing like I'm sitting here I'm standing here I got this kind of plate...just for the sake of fighting
When someone says I need to use the bathroom other one runs to catch it...only one
Physical all the time for any silly reason
Any toy or play everyone will want the same few pieces even though it's not really their fave just to grab what the other likes and feel like a winner
Very few times they play together or
have fun together without ending in a conflict
By now it's so part of them already I'm afraid they'll hate each other for life...
Read recently book siblings without rivalry very skeptical if it can work if the friction is at such intense level
Any other tips or ideas how to instill love and peace between the two so I can stay normal and not yell so frequent?
Thanks!

#BestBubby

Sat, Mar 02 2024, 10:28 pm

It makes you crazy, but some kids enjoy fighting until they end up crying.

I would make a rule they cannot play in the same room, eat in the same room, etc.

amother

Clear

Sat, Mar 02 2024, 10:29 pm

This would make me nuts. Like literally I would snap. One of my biggest if not the biggest parenting trigger I have. I hope it changes for you.
What’s the premise of the book? I should read it but yeah…
For now I’d probably do what Bubby says.

amother

Whitewash

Sat, Mar 02 2024, 10:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

Was going to suggest the book Siblings without Rivalry until I got to your last line. Did you read the whole thing? Iirc the author describes way more intense conflicts than what you described. And there were group parenting sessions with people dealing with all types of rivalry among their kids.

They're 3 and 5? And you're afraid they'll hate each other for life? They're babies.

My question for you is how do you react to all of this? They only do it for the reaction. From you and from each other. You need to change the whole dynamic. That's why I recommend the book.

Eta. Practically, give tons of positive reinforcement for them playing nicely, sharing, being mevater, etc. At one point I had a marble jar. Whenever they shared, worked collaboratively or got along, I put a marble in the jar. When it was full, we went for slurpees.
If for instance one says he has to use the bathroom and the other runs to get it first, you can say, Oh I'm so disappointed, I was hoping I could put a few marbles in the jar but I guess I can't. Then shrug and move on.

amother

Daffodil

Sat, Mar 02 2024, 11:06 pm

When my 4 year old and 2 year old fight, I tell them I don’t like to see fighting so I’m going to another room. I leave and go into another room. They stop shortly after and come looking for me.

lilytee

Sat, Mar 02 2024, 11:12 pm

I have kids around that age.

I don’t ever compare them. When one of them does, I come back with, you are not him and therefore not everything will always be the same.

I don’t make them share but when they do I will heap an abundance of compliments so it encourages them.

I spend a solid ten minutes with each individually and do whatever activity they choose to do.

I focus a 90-10 ratio of good to bad. Point out the good when it comes to every little thing you see but especially when it comes to how they treat the other.

ETA: Janet Lansbury gave me insight on her podcast when she said: siblings will fight, especially boys. I don’t mix in and let them work it out unless they get physical. Sometimes I’ll narrate the fight without offering solutions and it helps them work it out. I also don’t ever interrupt them when they’re having a good moment, but I mention later how proud I am.

Last edited by lilytee on Sun, Apr 07 2024, 11:32 am; edited 4 times in total

amother

Clear

Sat, Mar 02 2024, 11:12 pm

amother Whitewash wrote:

I hate charts but really like the marbles in the jar idea. Thanks.
Can you explain the premise of the book? I hate reading books 🙈maybe if I’m compelled I’ll get through it or get the audio book
I assume you recommend it

amother

Whitewash

Sat, Mar 02 2024, 11:28 pm

amother Clear wrote:

Sure. It's been years since I read the book, but the basic premise is similar to their other book, How to talk so kids will listen. As I recall, name their feeling or describe the situation without judgment. Sometimes that's all it takes, sometimes you then need to assist them with working collaboratively with each other to solve their problem.

But the ultimate goal is for them to figure out how to resolve their issues without you. So don't be the referee. If they both come complaining to you, don't be the judge who decides who's right and who's wrong. And that makes your life much easier.

In a nutshell. You can say this to them as though you are a narrator. I see Yossi is crying because Shmueli took his ball. Yossi might be angry. But Shmueli is frustrated because Yossi wasn't giving him a turn. What do you think is a good solution that will make you both happy? (In this type of example, the first few times you might need to take the ball and hold it while they calm down and problem solve. And then when they have a solution, you integrate the marble jar and drop in a few marbles.)

Btw, it's been years since I read it but iirc, the book has cartoon drawings that make it very easy reading.

amother

Clear

Sat, Mar 02 2024, 11:29 pm

Thanks

amother

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:17 am

#BestBubby wrote:

It makes you crazy, but some kids enjoy fighting until they end up crying.

I would make a rule they cannot play in the same room, eat in the same room, etc.

Not always possible in small house and would not this create distance and further infuse resentment? How can such distancing instill peace and love?

#BestBubby

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:29 am

Your boys are not at the peace and love stage.

Maybe when they are older.

Even in a small house, 1 can play in bedroom
The other in the living room.

One can eat at the kitchen table, the other in the dining room.

You can tell them they can play in same room if they play nicely but at as soon as they start fighting they have to stay in separate rooms.

amother

Clear

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:31 am

Yeah this ain’t about loving each other it’s about minimizing emotional and physical damage.

amother

Jean

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 1:29 am

I’m struggling with a lot of sibling fighting too.

I’m listening to Dr Becky’s workshop on siblings.

I really hope it will help.

amother

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 1:45 am

amother Jean wrote:

I’m struggling with a lot of sibling fighting too.

I’m listening to Dr Becky’s workshop on siblings.

I really hope it will help.

loads of luck! Please share if something was helpful or if you have some nice insight to share

amother

Clear

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 1:47 am

amother Jean wrote:

I’m struggling with a lot of sibling fighting too.

I’m listening to Dr Becky’s workshop on siblings.

I really hope it will help.

Curious if her workshops are practical. Pleas report back!

amother

Dandelion

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 5:08 am

I have 2 girls that drove me NUTS with their bickering at that age. Not physical, but so annoying! But now they are 6 and 8 nad really get along and love playing together. So I don't think you need to worry about forever just yet. Your 3yo is just catching up to your 5yo in terms of his ability to compete, so they are both getting used to it. Keeping them a bit separated when possible and seemingly necessary right now seems like a good approach if it makes everyone more peaceful. The marble jar can also be helpful. But I really don't think you need to worry about permanent hate stemming from right now. (If one is really beating up the other, that's a different issue- I'm talking about fairly even fights.)

amother

Crystal

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:31 am

I have 2 boys those ages. Bh bh they are best friends. If there's a major tussle, we put them in the same room and say "you can come out when you are best friends ". It takes about one minute for them to negotiate whatever they were fighting about.
Let them work out their own stuff and don't get involved. You are bored by fighting. If there is minor bickering ill either give it no attention or go into my room. My mantra is "don't fight in front of mommy". Give it no attention.

On the positive side, whenever we randomly get them a treat/toy/game I'll casually say "of course I always get you guys things, you're best friend brothers".

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