Support for married kids…

amother

Magenta

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:12 pm

I don't think parents should be obligated to support. If they want to gift anything, that's generous and whatever they give should be appreciated.

JPF/Yeshivish

amother

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:14 pm

I am right wing yeshivish. I don’t agree with giving monthly support, but I do believe in setting up my children well (furniture, housewares and a car). And I put away a little bit of money every month for each of my kids, to go towards their future homes.

amother

Topaz

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:15 pm

I believe you either have to marry off your children already having a means of support, or else offer them support.

You can't marry them off at 20 and then say well. Now they're an adult. Same as not giving them any vocational or secular education and then washing your hands off of it.

JPF

amother

Amaryllis

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:15 pm

How do communities who don’t set up their kids with good education or start their kids dating early expect their kids to make it?

amother

Amaryllis

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:15 pm

amother Topaz wrote:

👍

amother

Bergamot

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:26 pm

amother Topaz wrote:

Completely agree with this. I feel it’s part of being a responsible parent.

amother

Babypink

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:32 pm

I think it’s great if parents can help but not obligatory. I think it’s best if parents can help teach their kids a trade- pay for school or help them develop a talent etc if they can

My parents couldn’t do any but they love me and they love spending time with my family and they help when I need to have a dr appointment far away they watch my kids… I understand they have limitations and if they could they would help but they can’t

amother

Babypink

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:33 pm

amother Topaz wrote:

If the kid wants to get married… why not? As long as parent and child discuss it.

amother

Fern

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:37 pm

I believe your kids are your kids for their whole life, married or not!! If they need help and you're able to provide help, then please do.
I don't understand the concept of parents not paying for anything once the kids are married.

Monthly support depends on parent's finances, can they afford or will it be very hard for them?

I don't believe that parent's should support their kids but since "wife has a good job" all the money goes into a saving account. There's something very wrong with such a concept.

amother

Pearl

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:43 pm

amother Babypink wrote:

If the kid wants to get married… why not? As long as parent and child discuss it.

It's a luxury to get married at such a young age that parents need to support because the couple isn't ready or capable yet of doing so. Now, if the parents can afford that luxury, great. But if the parents can't, then maybe the children (and parents) need to realize they may need to wait till 22 instead of 20. Or till whatever point it is that their child has a job that is enough to live off of, or is going to be marrying someone who does. Parents need to be honest with themselves/their children, and their children need to accept the reality that just because their friend or classmate married at a young age because they come from a family that is able to provide support does not mean they will be able to do the same.

Uhum

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:43 pm

A child at home costs $$$$$
You marry them off, give them $$
For a few years at least
Win win - you married them off and now have LESS of an expense by just giving them a part of what they cost you while homehome

amother

Cerulean

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:45 pm

Yes.
I got married at 20 with no college degree (my parents didn’t believe in me getting one) and my husband was learning in BMG.
This is the way the system is set up and there is no way a young couple (especially the way salaries were 15 years ago) could live.
My parents supported me for 5 years. My husband started his own business. I’m currently a SAHM and we make about $500k per year.
My siblings (I don’t know how much they make) were all supported the first couple of years and now are all self sufficient and comfortable financially more or less.
You can’t just marry off two children with no earning potential and throw them into the deep end.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:46 pm

So parents are support their kids indefinitely? When do parents get a break? Can they ever retire or should they work till they drop dead literally?

amother

Pearl

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:46 pm

Uhum wrote:

Not likely.

amother

Mocha

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:51 pm

amother Topaz wrote:

You CAN marry them off at 20 and expect them both to take jobs, and live within their means. Even a non-educated person can do blue collar jobs.

You CANT marry them off at 20, with the expectation that they must live within certain standards, stay in learning and have luxuries such as vacations etc.

And thats the problem - we play both sides of the fences. Handicap our kids with no education and kollel mindset, but set their expectations very high.

amother

Strawberry

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 8:53 pm

Parents aren’t obligated to support and kids should realize they’re lucky if their parents support them.

Parents who can afford to should support fully for 3-6 months then slowly lower the amount so that the couple can learn to budget and manage on their own. Support should end after a year. Kids should be fully aware of this plan.

Obviously, help them out on occasion if they need it but they shouldn’t be dependent on you

amother

Topaz

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 9:09 pm

A parent has a halachik obligation to teach his child a trade. Whatever that looks like.

If you apprentice your 6-year-old to the local shoemaker, you are now free of the obligation to support him ever again. But if you encourage your son to remain without marketable skills into his late 20s or beyond, well, what was your plan as a parent?

Regardless of what a child has a right to expect, a parent does have an obligation to provide his child with a means of support.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 9:10 pm

Many times it's not the parent who doesn't want to teach their child a trade, it's their son who refuses to learn a trade. In that case why is it the parents obligation to support? Many boys have no interest in going to college before marriage, or working for that matter.

amother

Topaz

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 9:16 pm

amother Magenta wrote:

Are these young men freeloaders, independent thinkers, or products of the educational system their parents chose to send them to? That's a big difference.

You can't send your son to a regular Mesivtas where he hears pro-Kollel anti-college talk and then be surprised when he declines to go to college and says he plans on staying in Kollel. Unless you do some serious educating by yourself.

If a young man on his own decides that he wants to live a different life then how his parents and the schools they sent to raised him, it is his obligation to figure out how to make that happen.