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Forum -> Fashion and Beauty -> Sheitels & Tichels
Sad about daughter’s hair covering choices
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Mar 12 2024, 8:10 pm
I know people are going to love yelling at me.

I would never say this to my daughter, but I’m so disappointed by her hair covering choices. She’s in shana rishona. She chose, after we had spent $$$ on sheitels for her, to not cover her hair fully. It’s not because of pressure from people she cares about. It’s not coming from her husband. It’s not coming from her friends (the married ones all cover fully). She’s a regular BY girl who suddenly chose, after the first couple of weeks, to partially uncover.

She always struggled with self confidence, so I guess covering ended up being harder than she expected. I don’t know. I feel really sad and disappointed because I thought her Yiddishkeit was stronger than it is.
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amother
Arcticblue


 

Post Tue, Mar 12 2024, 8:14 pm
What does this mean practically? Will she wear falls? Regular wig with hair pulled out? Baseball cap with hair out?
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amother
Amaryllis


 

Post Tue, Mar 12 2024, 8:17 pm
Just love her and show her full acceptance. Its the best thing you can do for your relationship.

You can be sad quietly here and to your husband. Its smart that you arent saying anything.
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amother
Mulberry


 

Post Tue, Mar 12 2024, 8:17 pm
You're allowed to be sad. You raised her the way you believed best and she making different choices.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Tue, Mar 12 2024, 8:18 pm
I would have similar feelings. I understand that this is something hard for you to see. Maybe eventually her husband will convince her to change. Good for you that you aren’t saying anything to her even though it’s so hard for you. Just love her and accept her and hopefully the change will come from her if/when she’s ready. Hug

I know people will bash you here for judging her blah blah… but I totally understand you and why this is hard
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happy7




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 12 2024, 8:18 pm
This is very hard.
People will say it’s none of your business, but parents feel pain when their children choose a path that is a yeridah.
You have two things here that are of primary concern:
One, working through your pain
Two, making sure her Sholom Bayis is not affected.
If her husband was not expecting this, then it is probably an area of strain. You need to look out for her marriage and see how they are managing with this change of standard. If your new son in law is not bothered, then you can put all your efforts into acceptance of the situation.

It is ok to feel sad and disappointed.
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amother
Marigold


 

Post Tue, Mar 12 2024, 8:20 pm
I'm curious what partially means.

Does that mean with a fall and headband with hair showing?
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 12 2024, 8:22 pm
That must be so sad and disappointing!
Did you see this coming? but was hoping it wont happen?

Don't feel bad about the money spent on the wigs, hopefully one day she will wear them with pride.
Lots of hugs!
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amother
Cappuccino


 

Post Tue, Mar 12 2024, 8:24 pm
I'd be disappointed too. But I would like to think I could also pull back and look at the bigger picture: she's healthy, she's happy, she's married, she's still shomer mitzvot. Give love and acceptance and who knows what tomorrow will bring. Sometimes people take a step or two down, but sometimes they step back up again too. Either way, she's okay and you will be too. Smile
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 12 2024, 8:31 pm
amother OP wrote:
I know people are going to love yelling at me.

I would never say this to my daughter, but I’m so disappointed by her hair covering choices. She’s in shana rishona. She chose, after we had spent $$$ on sheitels for her, to not cover her hair fully. It’s not because of pressure from people she cares about. It’s not coming from her husband. It’s not coming from her friends (the married ones all cover fully). She’s a regular BY girl who suddenly chose, after the first couple of weeks, to partially uncover.

She always struggled with self confidence, so I guess covering ended up being harder than she expected. I don’t know. I feel really sad and disappointed because I thought her Yiddishkeit was stronger than it is.


I understand your disappointment and I’d feel the same way. Do you have any idea what suddenly made her change her mind? Did she just go along with you buying her shaitels simply because you assumed she’d want to wear them, or did she maybe not want them in the first place? How does her husband feel about this?
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Tue, Mar 12 2024, 9:13 pm
You are very normal. Its really so difficult. You are doing a great job by venting here and saying nothing. I'm sorry.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 12 2024, 11:21 pm
It’s ok to be sad. I can’t relate to this particular thing but I think all parents can relate to their kids not being exactly who they hoped they would be.
I would say that this doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a strong relationship with Gd or Judaism. I think that deciding that based on how she covers her hair is very simplistic.
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amother
Aconite


 

Post Wed, Mar 13 2024, 12:00 am
OP I am sure this must be painful for you as we raise our children with expectations and want to see them continue what we taught. I am not here to teach, but this is her test. Stand back, Love her and her new DH and treat them with respect. She might change, maybe not but keep those communication lines open. (speaking from experience).
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 13 2024, 12:01 am
As long as you aren't saying anything to her, that's great. That's the only reason you'd get yelled at here by most posters.

I'd be sad too.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Mar 13 2024, 4:34 am
Wow, the responses are all so kind. Thank you for understanding.

My daughter had been thrilled with her sheitels. She loved getting them and we paid extra to get her especially nice ones.

Her husband is a really nice guy and I doubt he’d say anything to make her feel bad, even though it’s unheard of in their circles (young kollel couples).

It makes me worry about my daughter and my other kids. They seem like good regular kids that daven and do everything you’re supposed to. How real is their Yiddishkeit though, deep down? I know I can’t really understand my daughter’s nisayon but I’m trying to. It seems like she cares more about looking good than about halacha. I feel so sad for her. It must be so painful to feel that insecure. I keep going back in time and wishing I had raised her differently so she had more self confidence. But I don’t know what I could have done differently. I raised her like all my other kids and they don’t have that insecure personality. I was warm and loving and gave them lots of attention. She just always worried about her looks and what people thought of her, way more than my other kids. I wish there was something I could do. I’ll keep davening of course.
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Wed, Mar 13 2024, 4:51 am
amother OP wrote:
Wow, the responses are all so kind. Thank you for understanding.

My daughter had been thrilled with her sheitels. She loved getting them and we paid extra to get her especially nice ones.

Her husband is a really nice guy and I doubt he’d say anything to make her feel bad, even though it’s unheard of in their circles (young kollel couples).

It makes me worry about my daughter and my other kids. They seem like good regular kids that daven and do everything you’re supposed to. How real is their Yiddishkeit though, deep down? I know I can’t really understand my daughter’s nisayon but I’m trying to. It seems like she cares more about looking good than about halacha. I feel so sad for her. It must be so painful to feel that insecure. I keep going back in time and wishing I had raised her differently so she had more self confidence. But I don’t know what I could have done differently. I raised her like all my other kids and they don’t have that insecure personality. I was warm and loving and gave them lots of attention. She just always worried about her looks and what people thought of her, way more than my other kids. I wish there was something I could do. I’ll keep davening of course.

What does partially uncovered, mean?

I feel for you, op.
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amother
NeonPink


 

Post Wed, Mar 13 2024, 4:56 am
amother OP wrote:
Wow, the responses are all so kind. Thank you for understanding.

My daughter had been thrilled with her sheitels. She loved getting them and we paid extra to get her especially nice ones.

Her husband is a really nice guy and I doubt he’d say anything to make her feel bad, even though it’s unheard of in their circles (young kollel couples).

It makes me worry about my daughter and my other kids. They seem like good regular kids that daven and do everything you’re supposed to. How real is their Yiddishkeit though, deep down? I know I can’t really understand my daughter’s nisayon but I’m trying to. It seems like she cares more about looking good than about halacha. I feel so sad for her. It must be so painful to feel that insecure. I keep going back in time and wishing I had raised her differently so she had more self confidence. But I don’t know what I could have done differently. I raised her like all my other kids and they don’t have that insecure personality. I was warm and loving and gave them lots of attention. She just always worried about her looks and what people thought of her, way more than my other kids. I wish there was something I could do. I’ll keep davening of course.


Sorry this is really extreme. She’s an adult making her own choices, they’re not always going to be the exact same choices as you.

She must have been really perfect growing up if this is throwing you so much.
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amother
Hawthorn


 

Post Wed, Mar 13 2024, 5:05 am
Can you please explain what you mean by partially uncovered?
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Wed, Mar 13 2024, 5:21 am
amother Hawthorn wrote:
Can you please explain what you mean by partially uncovered?


It doesn’t matter. Whatever she says someone else will say that it’s fine.
Maybe she’s walking around with her snood pushed back and lots of hair showing? Who knows? Whatever it is, it’s not something her mother would do and seems to be compromising on Halacha.
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amother
Grape


 

Post Wed, Mar 13 2024, 5:24 am
If she is just showing a little more hair in the front than you prefer or taking some hair out calm down it could be she is just adjusting to covering her hair.
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