S/o What makes someone parentified?

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:37 pm

As a teen, I cooked supper for my family every night as well as Shabbos and Yom Tov (I used to stay up the night before Yom Tov to get it all done.) I do not feel resentful, and feel that it taught me skills for life.

Was I parentified?

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:41 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

To me, yes.

Would you, the you you are now, ask your daughter to do the same ?

Probably not.

I guess I'm asking is parentifying always a bad thing? I have no negative feelings associated with what I did

singleagain

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:42 pm

I think most of the time when it's made the child responsibility and that if they don't do it no one else will and the child is not interested in doing it and doesn't feel good or wants to stop and the parents don't let that's when it becomes an issue.

Isn't always an issue of doing the thing. It's an issue of resentment. I think mostly I don't know I could be wrong.

amother

Grape

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:42 pm

I guess if it’s a chores like cleaning up helping around the house if it’s generally a mother’s responsibility it’s parentifing and there are kids who are so burnt out by the time they’re actually moms it’s really hard.

Teens need responsibilities but within reason and I think taking care of a sibling within reason everything with seichel!

amother

Dimgray

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

Probably not.

I guess I'm asking is parentifying always a bad thing? I have no negative feelings associated with what I did

Please don't let people on here convince you actually do have negative feelings.
Sometimes a different person can be wrong in their expectations or actions towards you, but you can still be fine with your end of it.

amother

Forsythia

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

Did you work along with your mother/siblings or was it all on you? What would’ve happened if you didn’t do it one week? Would your family have gone hungry or would someone else have taken over? And of course, how much did you enjoy it?

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:44 pm

amother Forsythia wrote:

It was all on me. If I didn't make supper we probably would have had frozen pizza or sandwiches every night. And Shabbos I'm guessing simple takeout. No one would have starved but we wouldn't have homemade food

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:45 pm

amother Dimgray wrote:

I like this line. Thank you.

Peersupport

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:45 pm

How did you do in school, and what was your social life like?

Some people just enjoy cooking and baking as a hobby, but how did it effect the rest of your childhood?

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:48 pm

Peersupport wrote:

How did you do in school, and what was your social life like?

Some people just enjoy cooking and baking as a hobby, but how did it effect the rest of your childhood?

I don't think it affected my academics or social life. I did well in school easily and am basically a homebody anyways.

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:50 pm

browser wrote:

Can I ask why
Like was your mother very busy during that time?

Yes she worked very full time (much more than that actually) and was out of the house until 9 or 10 most nights, sometimes later

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:50 pm

amother Dimgray wrote:

Just because she doesn't have negative feelings, it doesn't mean that she wasn't parentified. She was parentified, but it bh didn't effect her negatively.
It's not a teens responsibility to officially do all the cooking in the house.

Goody2shoes

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

There's a difference in expecting a child to help around the house then putting responsibility that's not theirs squarely on their shoulders.
It's fair of a mother to ask a child to cut a salad for dinner, it's not fair to expect them to cook dinner nightly. it isn't the child's responsibility to worry about their meals.
It's fine to ask your child to help with a newborn from time to time so that mom can get some rest, it's horrible to put the baby into the child's room permanently. The baby isn't the child's responsibility.
If a mom works long hours it's her responsibility to make sure someone will be around to take care of the family's needs, not put the running of her home squarely on her children.

amother

Midnight

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

did your parents asked you to step in? or did you do it in your own? what factors were in play that they didn’t participate in these tasks?

flowerpower

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:51 pm

No. You weren’t parentified and you don’t need therapy. Please don’t let the posters take negative space in your brain. You’re fine. You seem ok. You seem stable and happy. All is good. Move on.

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes she worked very full time (much more than that actually) and was out of the house until 9 or 10 most nights, sometimes later

And what happened if you didn't want to cook, you wanted a break?

amother

Mauve

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:52 pm

If you don’t feel like it negatively impacted you, it could still be parentification, but it just means you were fortunate enough to be able to cope with it.

I was parentified as a teen. Some of it affected me. Some didn’t. When my father was sick, my parents had to travel out of the country every few days for treatment. We couldn’t afford any help. I cooked dinners every night and did the household chores. But I viewed it as stepping up to the plate. I only resented when my father found it inexcusable that my grades dipped as a result and couldn’t understand why.

My mother used to use me as her therapist. That did and still does affect me. I know her “cue the tears” tone and I will immediately hang up on her the second I hear that. I can’t handle any conversation that isn’t light with her as a result