S/o What makes someone parentified?

Comptroller

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 3:12 pm

I think an important aspect of "parentifiying" vs "doing normal chores" is also that the child is left alone with the chore.

If a parent makes dinner and a child should make the salad, they will likely be in the kitchen together, this will be an opportunity to chat and could be quality time. Or if a parent washes the dishes and at the same time two children dry them - that's a normal chore - family time. Or a parent and a child fold laundry together. Or even a parent sorts the laundry for the children and they are responsible for folding their own laundry - that would fall under normal chores.

But having to organize things for the whole family all on their own, taking on responsibilities for younger siblings - that's parentifying.

amother

Broom

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 3:18 pm

amother Almond wrote:

Being mandated as a child to provide meals for the household with the result that if you didn't, no one, not even your parents, ate properly- that is parentification.

Being responsible for some food items such as 'making the salad is Chani's job' is fine.

Parents, at the very basics must feed, clothe and provide shelter. Yours didn't feed you

I was a parentified child. My tasks were
- food shopping
- preparing all evening meals
- making lunches for school for the family
- bathing, dressing and putting all younger siblings to bed
- picking up younger siblings from school
- laundry
- making shabbos and yomtov meals
- cleaning up from all meals
- looking after siblings who woke up/cried overnight
- taking unwell siblings to PCP

I was given a free pass to leave school early for this and also not to do chesed visits (hugh school had weekly chesed with families) because it was recognized by the school that I was basically doing chesed at home. I did really badly at school and failed lots of exams because I had no time to study.

I was so traumatized that I decided never to get married, never to have kids and I hate cooking for shabbos- we eat simple meals. Bh I had a lot of therapy, found an amazing dh and have an amazing family but it was hard.

My parents didn't hate me or do it on purpose, they were caught up in a situation they didn't understand and we all suffered.

A hundred years back this was all normal- childhood didn't exist for our families who lived hand to mouth. Bh we don't live in that world now.

I did many of those things as well. To be fair, I did want to do grocery shopping once I had my license because it meant I got to drive but I was given way too much responsibility for a teen. My parents also emotionally parentified me. I didn't realize this until a few years ago. It was so messed up. I hope to do so much better for my own children. I had such a dysfunctional childhood.

amother

Navyblue

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 4:31 pm

So I think the most important post from OP actually got hidden by the formatting. I'll requote it here:

"Did your parents show appreciation or did it become the expectation? yes they thanked me in front of everyone, bought me presents before Yom Tov sometimes
Did you ever feel like you should skip a class activity, or play practice, or studying because you had a responsibility to cook? Not usually
Did your parents ever absolutely insist that you don't cook? No
You mentioned siblings. Did they push a rotation or insist they helped? No
We're there complaints about what was served? No
Did your friends know that cooking was your responsibility? Yes I was proud of it"

I'm a therapist. Parentification is a spectrum. Some of the posters here are describe an extreme which was clearly unhealthy and left them with lasting trauma. Based on these details, and OP's overall positive relationship with her parents, I'm not seeing that here.

Opie does not make it sound like she was actually responsible to make supper. (For example, as the mother I'm responsible to make supper for my family. If I don't make it, there are complaints. There are complaints about what I serve. If I have another obligation, I have to make sure somehow there is supper. Nobody gives me special appreciation for doing this every single night of the year. And if I didn't take care of it, there would be nothing to eat. That's what it means that it's my responsibility.)

What I'm hearing is that OPs parents took the responsibility to make supper. They filled that responsibility by making the same two things every night or frozen pizza or sandwiches. That is called supper. For Shabbos and Holidays, there was simple takeout.

As a teen, OP decided that her family should have a proper supper and Shabbos/Yom Tov and made it every night. It was not forced on her and she would not have been punished if she skipped one night. She was so appreciation for taking on something that wasn't fully expected of her.

I wouldn't expect this to be traumatic. It's more likely her anxiety stems from her parents struggle to make ends meet and her mother having to work so hard and often being unavailable, more than the supper saga.

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 5:05 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

I'm not a professional but I have years of therapy dealing with my own parentification.

I would say that you WERE parentified but you don't have trauma because you apparently had the tools to handle the parentification. They appreciated you, they gave gifts, they didn't criticize.

But I would keep an eye on the anxiety, the feeling burnt out, and your own giving your kids chores (too much or too little) as your family grows older.

Thank you. Sending hugs to you and other posters who are dealing with fallout over this.

I think this is probably a good summary of this thread.

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 5:06 pm

amother DarkCyan wrote:

I would say yes, you were parentified.

All the better if it had no negative consequences.

I think there a factors that make it better or worse.

What makes it worse is
- when it starts very early in life
- when one child has to do the lion's share of housework rather than everyone chipping in evenly
- when parents do not give the child love and emotional stability
- when parents get angry when the work is not done or when something happens
- when the task is impossible for the child (educating siblings who will not listen, doing work too hard for the age)
- when parents are unwell, especially psychologically

Thank you. Bh most of these do not apply, I did help more than other siblings

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 5:09 pm

amother Hunter wrote:

did you have siblings? did any of them cook also? who cleaned the house and went shopping etc? were you a child that liked to stay home and cook and still had friends and were happy? dd has a friend who likes to stay home and cook and bake and still has friends but she might be parentified also because she gets up early and make lunches for school also. I am not sure if this girl is different and likes staying home and cook or it is because her mother is very demanding. this girl also doesn't like to go to sleep away camp or any sleepover unless really necessary.

Some of my siblings and I split shopping, we had some cleaning help. I didn't really clean much (some of my other siblings did pitch in more there though) My father also did some of the cleaning

I did enjoy cooking and liked being at home. I had plenty of friends though I've always been more of a quiet person

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 5:10 pm

amother Almond wrote:

Wow. It sounds like you had the full parental load. Sending love

amother

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 5:11 pm

amother Navyblue wrote:

Yes I think you have a good read on the situation.

I'm finding what you're saying about my anxiety interesting since it often is work related

amother

Broom

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 6:33 pm

amother Hunter wrote:

In the olden days when girls didn’t go to school this is what they used to do. They were more mature and took responsibilities. I think you were a team the whole household and you took care of cooking. Some teens stay up going to parties playing video games or studying to honor exams in order to get into good universities. It is all about how you and the people around you perceived your chores. It looks like it was healthy

It wasn't healthy. She just had excellent coping skills. It's never healthy to make a child provide meals for her entire family. A healthy approach would be "in our house everyone chips in for dinner! And either parent is in charge and participating while delegating tasks but they are doing it all together. There's nothing wrong with giving the child skills and for them to contribute. It's wrong to give them adult responsibilities such as making dinner every night and every shabbos/yt, getting up with the baby, giving children baths and putting them to sleep and so on....obviously it's different if it's on occasion or if they are particularly excited about it but overall there has to be limits. Or they basically don't have a childhood. They are a quasi parent.

Mommyg8

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 6:40 pm

amother Broom wrote:

Why not? Who gets to decide what is "healthy" and what is not?

The other examples you gave are different. She wasn't responsible for the baby, and they could have bought take out or eaten sandwiches if she hadn't cooked. What in the world is the problem here?

Mommyg8

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 6:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

It doesn't sound as if you were parentified if the tasks were split up.

IF you were responsible for the shopping, and the cleaning, and taking care of younger siblings, and it was only on you and you didn't have much of a choice as to whether you could do it or not, it would be a different story.

You helped out an overburdened mother - you get so much schar for this!!!! And you should know, there is a concept that you can have charatah on a mitzvah and lose the schar for it - don't let imamother cause you to lose your schar for this amazing mitzvah.

flowerpower

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 7:29 pm

amother Navyblue wrote:

This this this. Many mothers on Ima say that they work full time and are overwhelmed and admit that supper is frozen junk and pasta on a good day. Op says her mom would buy or heat up frozen stuff. She cooked on her own free will. All of you justifying kids being serve easy dinners every night and telling them it’s should see the other side. A busy overwhelmed mom here would serve the same. Her dd willingly comes to the rescue and gets praised and appreciated for it. Sounds like op had a normal childhood and no need for additional unnecessary drama now because some anonymous posters decided so.

amother

Fern

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 8:09 pm

Someone is parentified when the child takes care of the parent instead of the parent taking care of the child. It’s not the same as helping out with siblings. An example is a parent crying to a child or dumping emotional stuff on a child and the child taking on that burden and trying to make the parent feel better. A parent asking a child to make an important decision instead of the parent doing it. There is a role reversal and also an unhealthy emotional component. A child who makes dinner, does chores , or takes care of siblings is not necessarily considered parentified.

amother

Whitesmoke

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 9:37 pm

amother Fern wrote:

I don't know where the line is, but there is a difference between helping taking care of siblings, and actually carrying the burden of making sure they are ok. At a certain point it is role reversal and parentification.