Do people really mean it when they say

amother

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 1:51 pm

"Anything you or your husband like to eat on shabbos"
I recently got married and have been invited for shabbos to extended family on both sides.
The mother always says anything in particular you guys like to eat.
Should I feel silly saying "yes, my husband likes techina/matbucha and I like specific ice cream/fruit.
And no, it is not the type for me to offer to bring whatever food we do like, doesn't make sense with a 2 hour car ride shlepping dips.
You guys can tell me just be polite and say no anything is good, and that's fine, But when any of you do invite guests do you really mean it when you say what do you like and they say they like ice cream would you go and buy it for them?

singleagain

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 2:00 pm

My mother really does mean it. She wants her guests to be happy and if they have a specific want and it's easy enough to cater to, she wants to do it.

She noticed a few times ppl leaving bits of salad on the side bc they didn't like that vegetable, so next time she made the salad without that vegetable

ittsamother

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 2:02 pm

I definitely mean it when I ask. I ask before I go shopping and if it's something reasonably priced and the type to actually get eaten, yeah, I'll definitely buy it! I'm going to have to get dips, drinks, desserts etc anyway, might as well be ones my guests will enjoy.

amother

NeonOrange

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 2:03 pm

I think they really mean it, but more in terms of the actual shabbos food. They don’t want to waste time making something you don’t like when they can just as easily make something you do. Extras like ice cream I probably wouldn’t mention, unless they specifically said something about dessert.

amother

NeonYellow

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 2:04 pm

I don't they mean it for highly specific things, like saying "yes, Bob's coconutmilk strawberry flavored ice cream" would be annoying, but good responses would be general things like:

"We love ice cream!"

"We both have sweet tooths!"

"We're trying to eat healthy, so salads are always good"

"Joe is doing Keto"

"A few vegetarian options would be great!"

"Nothing too spicy"

"Joe doesn't like fish"

Etc

#Happymom

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 2:05 pm

Yes. If I'm anyways buying dips, I'm so happy to buy the specific ones you like.
And if you prefer lokshen to potato kugel, well maybe I'll make it if I've got the time - because as a host, I WANT my guests to enjoy themselves and have food that they like to eat

amother

Tealblue

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 2:05 pm

Yes, sure I mean it when I ask. I want to have the foods our guests and their kids like.
I generally send a text "I'm going to the grocery store later, is there anything specific I should get for you?"
I appreciate when people tell me that they want a specific yogurt, snack or foods their kids eat.
(Though one sister in law requests expensive things like baby formula....)

Last edited by amother on Sun, Mar 17 2024, 2:05 pm; edited 1 time in total

theoneandonly

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 2:05 pm

If a guest asks for a specific dessert I would find it a bit strange (unless it's like, "I've been by you before and I loved the xxx pie, any chance you can make it again?")
If someone asks they generally mean, are you allergic to anything, do you have kids who have very strong food aversions, etc.

amother

Amaryllis

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 2:05 pm

I think it's an odd thing to say because I wouldn't really know how to respond. How do I know what they like to cook and do well.

If it was a mother or close relative asking and I knew what she cooked and had some kind of favorite then I might suggest that. For example, I would give a lot to eat my Bubbe's kreplach one more time but that is impossible.

I think the opposite might also be true as a family or good friends might ask me to bring something specific they have eaten but otherwise, a specific dish would seem weird. At a potluck one might be asked to bring a kind of dish or even a chicken dish.

I think a good host should ask if there are any allergies or foods they really don't like and go from there.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 2:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

Depends. I’d say yes to the techina/matbucha bec they’re easy items and I always make dips and would prefer to make dips that my guests will enjoy. It also helps me plan a menu.

Not so much with the fruit or ice cream because that might mean me going to a store I don’t usually go to or sometimes the store won’t have the fruit and then I’d feel bad.

It also depends who’s coming. For my parents/siblings who are staying for shabbos, I really do want them to be honest, even if I can’t fully accommodate. For acquaintances who are coming for lunch, sometimes I’m just being polite. And anytime there are kids involved, I REALLY want them to tell me preferences because most kids won’t just eat anything.

amother

Lightyellow

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 2:14 pm

I think it's okay to request something you know they've had before
Like "can you make apple kugel again? It was sooo delicious"
Or "that chicken last time was delicious"

Or general request
Like "we love cake for dessert"
Or "we love salad" or "we aren't into liver but we love gefilte fish"

I wouldn't give very specific requests
Like "we would love a double layer chocolate cake, you can find it in x cookbook"
Or requests that are expensive
"We love gourmet popcorn" (which is $18 a bag)

amother

Teal

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 2:38 pm

I only ask people for whom I am thrilled to make the effort.

Typically I ask any food allergies or strong dislikes.
But to my DD and her chassan I am thrilled to go to 10 stores and get what they want. After she tells me nothing,I will often say to her, I am making a piece of meat. Do you guys want corn beef, pastrami, brisket, or Silvertip ? Or I might ask what tips or vegetables were kind of Koegel should I make this week?
For her or my other kids when they come home, or my parents, in-laws or sister even (I only have 1), I am happy to take requests. I have one niece on the other side, who I will take any request from as well. But typically, I am happy to find out if there’s anything they don’t eat, or give them a choice of I’m going to go pick up some dips, any that you or your family particularly like. I am making cookies/buying ice cream……

amother

Celeste

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 3:14 pm

I assume people mean it if they ask. My husband once asked a guest if there's anything they like. I was annoyed when I found out because it was enough that we were hosting. I wasn't really prepared to change my menu around to add extra things.

I usually ask guests if there's anything they don't eat.

That being said, if I know a guest likes something specific, I'll try to accommodate if I can. I do like to make guests happy.

lamplighter

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 3:15 pm

I've more often heard the opposite question: any allergies or aversions?
When someone with kids comes, I do ask anything your kids like to eat because I know kids are picky. I guess I expect adults to just enjoy what I'm making.
I've never had anyone specify they actually want but rather the opposite, we're not so into dips so no pressure to have lots of those or we eat healthy so well probably just eat salads and whatever protein you have.

amother

Hyssop

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 7:38 pm

theoneandonly wrote:

THIS in bold above.
Not so much what you will eat, but what you wont/cant eat.
If my guests dont like vegetables - I'm not going to make 3 vege sides. Or if they are on specific diet, I will try to accommodate.
If guests are coming to stay for shabbos, I'd also like them to feel at home - do they like chocolates / ices/ snacks / cake for dessert / treats.