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-> Household Management
-> Finances
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amother
OP
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 Thu, Mar 21 2024, 3:57 pm
DH did a double major. One major is the type that he can get a job with (meaning, you don't need a masters to get a decent job) and the other is practically useless without higher degrees.
Guess which major DH likes better? Of course, the one that needs more degrees. He regrets his other major.
So now he's debating if he should start a Master's in the major that he loves and then turn it into a PHD or if he should go work.
If he gets a degree, he'd be getting a stipend or would have a PT job on the side. But he will earn less then he's currently earning at his current not amazing paying job.
For some more background, he has high functioning autism and pretty severe ADHD. If he doesn't love what he is doing, it often doesn't go well. He is extremely prone to depression. He also works very slowly so he can't work in a high-pressure environment. He is a genius and I really think he would be more of an asset to academia than to a regular job. Interviewing is also really not his strength. I told him to go get help in that but not sure he agrees. He will honestly answer any question you ask him. He won't beat around the bush.
The next problem is me. I work very PT due to also having severe ADHD and due to the fact that he's rarely home since he works FT and commutes. If he goes back to school, he will also be commuting daily. I hired some help for the days that I do work and it makes my life MUCH easier. We also upped our standard of living a little bit and now we have to pay off what we bought. (We got some desperately needed furniture plus a dishwasher)
So IDK what he should do. Part of me feels like he's just getting older and older and he needs to get further along in academia. Another part of me just wants to be financially secure. Although, al derech hateva, if he gets depressed we won't be financially secure either...
He keeps asking me what he should do... Based on what I wrote, how would you answer?
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amother
NeonPink
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 4:07 pm
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What’s the difference in earning potential for each of them? It might not be worth the extra schooling.
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amother
Azure
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 4:10 pm
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He should do what he loves, because he has a better chance of seeing it through successfully. Doing what’s practical has a higher risk of backfiring and leaving you way worse off.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 4:27 pm
| amother NeonPink wrote: | | What’s the difference in earning potential for each of them? It might not be worth the extra schooling. |
I don't have hard numbers, but the major he doesn't like is generally a pretty high earning field and the field major he loves is mostly useful for academia. Companies do need this position, but not so many of them.
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amother
NeonPink
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 4:49 pm
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Academia isn’t known to pay well
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amother
OP
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 4:50 pm
| amother Azure wrote: | | He should do what he loves, because he has a better chance of seeing it through successfully. Doing what’s practical has a higher risk of backfiring and leaving you way worse off. |
This is what my gut is telling me. If he was neurotypical, I might think just work in the field that pays nicely and zehu. But I already saw what that was like because he worked in it as a student. He often wasn't happy and then didn't show up for work. He also didn't finish things as quickly as they would like. He did give help them though quite a bit.
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amother
Brunette
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 5:05 pm
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Absolutely he should get the PhD. Will be a disaster to force him to do something he doesn't like. Will majorly backfire.
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amother
NeonGreen
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 5:08 pm
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Your dh sounds like a person who will not do well in regular business and will do well doing what he’s passionate about. Doesn’t look like you really have a choice. Iyh he should be matzliach doing what he loves.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Mar 21 2024, 5:31 pm
I was not expecting these reactions! I really agree. I told him we can go a little into debt for this and it will be worth it. He still feels responsible though and wants to bring home more money. He is really not interested in us changing our (not extremely fancy by any stretch of the imagination) lifestyle. I'm proud of him that he cares. But I really think the right thing is to continue in academia.
His current job is actually in research and he loves it. He still does struggle a bit because ADHD doesn't go away (stimulants don't help him either), but he is sooooo much happier than he was in his student job which was a regular company. I have to admit to missing the perks, but a happy husband is worth a ton! He gets to travel occasionally too to meet professors and researchers which he loves.
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essie14
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Fri, Mar 22 2024, 12:35 am
| amother Azure wrote: | | He should do what he loves, because he has a better chance of seeing it through successfully. Doing what’s practical has a higher risk of backfiring and leaving you way worse off. |
I agree with this 100%
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amother
Yellow
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Fri, Mar 22 2024, 12:50 am
My ASD dh is also probably getting a second degree which is 4 ore years of full time school (not time for PT job) and a few years of lower pay shadowing and learning on the job.
It's hard but if this is what he loves how can I stop him?
He gets a disability stipend and other benefits together with my PT job we are bringing in enough to be a little comfortable right now. But as for kids coke I know it will be tight....
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amother
OP
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Fri, Mar 22 2024, 5:43 am
| amother Yellow wrote: | My ASD dh is also probably getting a second degree which is 4 ore years of full time school (not time for PT job) and a few years of lower pay shadowing and learning on the job.
It's hard but if this is what he loves how can I stop him?
He gets a disability stipend and other benefits together with my PT job we are bringing in enough to be a little comfortable right now. But as for kids coke I know it will be tight.... |
My DH is super opposed to getting a disability stipend, even though I'm pretty sure he has qualified from his mental health. (He wasn't diagnosed with ASD as a child. But it's very obvious that he has it) He is even opposed to ME getting a stipend. He thinks it means he has to work harder if we are desperate enough to take money for the government.
I think he's silly and he should be applying to BL... I have nothing against taking money that we are eligible for. But I'm not him.
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amother
NeonOrange
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Fri, Mar 22 2024, 6:46 am
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So impressed with how respectful u both are!!! U will be fine with both options but agree if u can swing it let him get the education. Lucky kids ( or future kids) to have such a loving caring home.
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teachkids
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Fri, Mar 22 2024, 6:57 am
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Don't know if this is possible for you, but my husband is working on his PhD very slowly while still keeping his original job.
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LovesHashem
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Fri, Mar 22 2024, 11:40 am
| amother OP wrote: | My DH is super opposed to getting a disability stipend, even though I'm pretty sure he has qualified from his mental health. (He wasn't diagnosed with ASD as a child. But it's very obvious that he has it) He is even opposed to ME getting a stipend. He thinks it means he has to work harder if we are desperate enough to take money for the government.
I think he's silly and he should be applying to BL... I have nothing against taking money that we are eligible for. But I'm not him. |
Just as an FYI it's very hard as an adult to get BL for ASD if you weren't diagnosed as a child, it's virtually impossible if that helps you come to terms with it. Feel free to pm me if you'd like.
Why do you think you could receive a stipend? If you have kids on the spectrum it's best to apply now for them.
And yes the money is there to help, because statistically most people on the spectrum cannot hold down a job or struggle immensely with one.
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amother
cornflower
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Fri, Mar 22 2024, 11:43 am
What’s this stipend?
OP I’m so impressed with your marriage getting such good vibes
My husband has ADHD and I don’t feel at all the way you do
Kol hakavod it will get the two of you very far
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amother
Cobalt
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Fri, Mar 22 2024, 12:26 pm
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Based on firsthand experience, I think you should expect that jobs are always going to be hard for your dh. Jobs mean dealing with coworkers and bosses who are likely less competent than your dh, and this will aggravate him tremendously. Whatever field he can go into that allows him to minimize the interpersonal aspects of a job, go for that, but expect that he may still bounce from job to job due to not tolerating incompetence well.
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amother
Dustypink
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Fri, Mar 22 2024, 3:41 pm
Much of my family works in academia.
The pay can actually be OK--also, most universities have excellent benefits, including healthcare and retirement. However, getting a tenure-track job is very, very difficult, depending on the field, and there are many PhDs in the world who are adjuncting at multiple schools earning very little money, without much prospect of better employment. It is somewhat dependent on the field, but try to avoid the trap of "with a PhD, there will be tons of opportunities to be a professor at a university in a city I can/will live in." A lot of PhDs end up having to go into industry.
However...it's always better to not resign yourself to a lifetime of doing work you won't like!
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LovesHashem
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Sat, Mar 23 2024, 1:29 pm
| amother cornflower wrote: | What’s this stipend?
OP I’m so impressed with your marriage getting such good vibes
My husband has ADHD and I don’t feel at all the way you do
Kol hakavod it will get the two of you very far |
BL stands for Bituach Leumi, the national Insurance Institute which is the government body in charge of a lot of stuff like maternity leave, paid leave when someone is sick, disability, work accidents, amongst many other things.
People with autism (and sometimes ADHD) can apply for a disability stipend if they meet the terms and conditions. They will have to sned a boatload of paperwork plus have a meeting with doctors at Bituach Leumi to verify that they meet the criteria.
This is something I try to help people out with, along with other benefits autistics and other disabled people are entitled to. After going through the system for myself and other family members I do my best to help others.
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