So disappointed with dd today

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 5:04 pm

She told me (not asked) that she plans on delivering MM with her friend who is a new drivers. I said ok bc I felt she is a safe driver and I also remember what it was like being a teen on purim.

However- I saw them speeding like crazy up and down streets, music blasting, many more girls stuffed in than seats, girls hanging out the windows (including my daughter), screaming, yelling, honking, etc. I was quite horrified but I filed it away to discuss at a different point after Purim.

If that was all I might have been ok overlooking other things. but the rest of the day, she was running aorund with her friends, barely said two words to us, and TWICE, when I asked her to please take a MM to a neighbor and to take her principal a MM since they were going to a party right next door, she IGNORED me and ran towards friends car screaming and waving.

I am so disappointed in her. I really am. I give and give and give so much to her and she is NOT an easy teen in general. But this was too much. I wasn't even relying on her help at all this Purim, although it would've been nice for her to notice the family and offer to help here and there on this hectic day, but when I asked her something specific and to be ignored like that? it was such a slap in the face. such a self absorbed and rude attitude 😒

amother

Glitter

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 5:13 pm

Join the club. You have my sympathy. Lots of kids, including mine, look at Purim as a chance to let loose and unfortunately they don’t know where to draw the line. I’m sorry you feel used; we give and give and make the mistake of expecting something in return from teens that can’t see past their own noses. Never mind being a responsible driver on a regular day, Purim is completely the opposite. As an aside, I allowed DD to use the car for her and her friends and she promised to be careful and treat the car well. I saw a video of her friends on someone’s status acting like drunken teens, dancing on the seats sticking out of the sunroof of a moving car while dancing to crazy loud music. I instantly recognized that as my car and since then installed a camera which I check regularly.

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 5:23 pm

Ugh. so horrible.

But is it really expecting too much to ask not to be outright ignored when being spoken to? I really feel like that's next level. Like, If she would have told me "no I cant deliver it" I wouldn't have been thrilled but at least tits an answer. to ignore like that I think is chutzpah beyond. I think it's objectively wrong but feels even worse because of the giving that comes right before that

amother

Jasmine

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 7:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

She was trying to pretend she didn't hear. To say no would be more chutzpah

Also if you're feeling resentful then stop giving so much. Maybe it's time for boundaries

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 7:47 pm

Speak to your husband. Tell him to just keep an eye on things. To keep an eye on how she speaks to you, and to intervene to teach lessons. Manners. Not to promote you at her expense. No. But to inform her that there are manners. And men notice. HIS noticing will convey that.

He should spend more time with her, take her for walks.

For now, she thinks she is in a female-only universe, and it's all about girlish giggles, but that's not reality. Reality is, if she becomes impossible, the world will teach her, and indulgence won't be there, out of her parents' house.

Maybe, get a one-session therapy thing, for yourself, for learning more assertion.

I trust your judgment that this went beyond normal Purim stuff.

amother

Daphne

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 8:04 pm

You should share the title of this thread with your dd after the holiday is over. You and the father need to talk to your daughter about how she violated your trust by speeding and acting dangerously in a moving vehicle

The masloach manot is really secondary in this story .

Is your dd close to driving age? She needs to show a whole lot more responsibility and respect before taking any drivers ed . No more joy rides with friends until further notice. She’ll be upset but too bad.

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:29 pm

She didn't pretend not to hear. She looked right at me and then ran in the other direction.

we had some more major lack of responsibility and chutzpah later as well...she left the seuda to go for a walk with a friend for a few minutes. I told her to come right back. Hours later...no sign of her. We went around town looking for her and found her at a shul party and she tried telling us that she is going home with a friend after we waited and looked for her. I was fuming.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 8:28 am

My teenage daughter pulled some attitude with me yesterday. I shut that down FAST. Chutzpah is unacceptable, full stop. In our house, I put up with plenty but children being disrespectful is not one of them. If I saw my daughter behaving dangerously, I would have stopped that immediately and quite publicly. Behave like a child, get treated like a child. Waiting to step in could, cv, have life changing consequences. Anything dangerous gets an immediate response. If my daughter went for a walk and didn't come home for HOURS - I would have called the police, thinking something dangerous happened to her. She knows this and would never violate my trust like that. My daughter is driving already, and she knows it's a HUGE privilege that needs to continually be earned. We bought her the car, but she works so hard in school as a tradeoff and is, generally, a wonderful girl. We reward good behavior and punish bad habits/ midos. It's not an overly complicated concept and this is simply how our kids are raised. Work hard in school and contribute at home, then you get stuff. I give allowance, gas money, shopping money, bought her a new car... She has a lot to lose if she misbehaves and she knows it. We do NOT believe in physical punishment, but I will happily pause her cell phone and take her car keys away. Her credit card can also be paused and after two or three days of that... she course corrects. I fully admit I do not have healthy role models for parents or any idea how to parent myself, but I do my best and expect certain basics from my kids. I agree with the poster above that it sounds like a talk about serious boundaries is in order. Good luck, OP!

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 8:32 am

I have not reacted yet but we do plan to talk with her and explain why we will be holding off on letting her drive with friends for a little while and giving her a stricter curfew with check ins until we feel that trust is built back up enough.

In general, she is a challenging teen. She has anxiety that displays as anger and irritability and defiance. She has a therapist and medication and we are doing the best we can to have a loving relationship with boundaries. She generally responds decently to boundaries and keeps tonthem even if she is unhappy with them. But she can act quite nasty to us and her siblings when she is upset.

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:06 am

amother Firebrick wrote:

My parenting style is similar to this and BH has yielded good results most of the time. This level of irresponsibility and chutzpah is something I have never seen before and it totally caught me unprepared. The only reason why I didn't call the police when she didn't come back is because we live in a tiny quiet neighborhood and after her actions earlier that day, I figured she probably went to the shul party. still totally not ok.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:42 am

amother OP wrote:

It sounds like you know what you have to do. It's tough as a parent but correcting behavior like this early, when it suddenly manifests, is better than waiting. There's never a good time to tell a teen that she's wrong or her behavior is unacceptable. In my experience, that rarely goes well but I try to be firm and stick to realistic expectations so she doesn't feel set up to fail. Not going places for longer than 20 mins without texting me is one of them. Expressing her anger on her family is another no-go for us. If my daughter wakes up in a mood or is anxious about tests, she doesn't get to take it out on her siblings or her parents. If she crosses that line, there are immediate consequences. I keep cool, count to her (and myself) and by three, things happen. Car, gone. Credit card, gone. She keeps going? Cell-phone, gone. Keeps being chutzpadik? That's two days. Then three. Then four. She eventually stops and gets quiet. Later that night, she comes and apologies to everyone but the consequences stick. She learned quickly that it's not worth it and we let her earn her things back but only according to her punishment. If she wants them back earlier, she needs to go above and beyond. One time, she folded 6 loads of laundry and cleaned the entire first floor of the house ALL ON HER OWN, and then politely asked if she earned her phone back early. Maybe try introducing some mutual consequences that will induce better behavior?

ValleyMom

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:55 am

Teenage girls are generally rude, surly, obnoxious, self-centered and sometimes just plain mean.

IF you have a pleasant teenage daughter who is kind, respectful, gets up on time, davens etc. you may be raising a unicorn.

All kidding aside:

The teenage years are difficult.
Raging hormones, body changes, brain is still developing...

According to the American Medical Association there is a lot of death, illness and injury during these years. "During this phase of development adolescents establish patterns of behavior (related to diet, physical activity substance abuse and relations)."

As parents it is our job to help our teenagers develop healthy patterns of behavior. That being said, it is within the realm of "typical/normal" behavior for teens to push the limits but it is our duty as parents to set healthy boundaries and help our kids establish healthy behavior patterns so they can grow into healthy, responsible, joyful adults.