When teenager says 'make me'

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 9:26 pm

How do you respond to a teenager who refuses to do anything an responds: you can't force me

Big things and small things
Clean your room
Go to school
Go to the dr
Help clear the dinner table

faigie

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 9:56 pm

Consequences which mirror the offense. You don’t clean your room, you won’t get clean clothing. You dont help clear the table, you won’t be served. You don’t want to do your hw, you lose your phone.

ellacoe

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 10:00 pm

Perhaps take a minute, and instead of reacting to what you are hearing them say, try and figure out what your teenager is trying to tell you. Because chances are the real issue isn't going to school, or helping clear the dinner table, or cleaning their room. There is something else that they are trying to say, and respond to the underlying issue instead of what is being presented.

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 10:21 pm

It's not a new issue. It comes with the territory of feeling independent and the realization that no one can make him or her do anything.

How do we raise healthy normal teens when they won't listen to a thing about what's good for them? They always think they know best even when they clearly don't. Suggesting to speak to a professional or unbiased third party, I get laughed off.

If I actually go through with a consequence, they say I'm controlling and the like.

Right now I'm working with them on their summer plans. They don't care to plan. They'd be happy in bed all day and who knows where out at night. I can't allow it to happen. But they say... "make me."

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 10:23 pm

It is time for you to step back and move onto a new stage of life. You in fact cannot make your teen do anything. You can try to influence, motivate, coach. But you cannot "make" a teen do anything. It's time to hand over the reins.
Once you've truly let go, if they are not functioning age appropriately, then it's time to seek professional help to find out why.

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 10:26 pm

amother Aubergine wrote:

Really?

So if your 13 year old decided he was no longer going to school u just hand over the reins?

What kind of parenting is this? Sometimes its not a deeper issue that needs therapy. Sometimes the kid just needs a parent with boundaries.

imasinger

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 10:32 pm

There's an old but still really useful book on parenting teens called, "Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall".

It answrrs this question, and many others.

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 10:33 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

If a 13 year old isn't going to school, I guarantee there's a deeper issue going on.

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 10:57 pm

amother Aubergine wrote:

I'm not trying to "make them" do anything except the normal things expected of everyone.

Speak nicely to younger siblings so younger siblings feel safe on your presence
Minimal table manners.
Clean up after your own mess
Choose one job to help on Friday afternoon
Go to school
You cannot stay home for the summer, there is nothing for you to do here
Dont spend hours a day on your phone
Be on time to school to the best of your ability

I overlook a lot and am very patient. But I also have standards as to what happens in my house, at my dinner table, and to my children.

Right now I am playing this obnoxious game with them, whatever I say they are sure to do the opposite. So I say nothing and hope for the best.

ellacoe

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:13 pm

Maybe the operative word is 'make", perhaps they need to be taught or explained, why these things are important for them. You don't want them to be polite only when you are around because you make them be polite. If you teach them the value of being polite, they will want to be polite.

amother

Brunette

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

Who pays for their phones?

amother

Blue

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:19 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

Well, there are natural consequences. So yeah, if he doesn't go to school, he'll fail. That's a pretty good deterrent. If he doesn't care about that, then OP has something much bigger on her hands.

When it comes to things around the house, you can't force anyone to do anything. OP can either come up with a consequence or she can take a step back and work on the relationship. It's definitely not going to help her or her child if she nags him every second.

There's a reason it has come to a point where he/she is saying, "make me"
A teen who has a good working relationship with a parent is probably not going to say such a thing. And a parent who has developed a relationship with their child outside of nagging will probably not hear that from a child.

These things don't develop overnight.

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:49 pm

amother Brunette wrote:

Who pays for their phones?

Me of course. I buy, I pay, I filter. That's the agreement we have. No second phones.

I really don't like to use their phones as a consequence. I tell them to control themselves so I don't have to. If they are extremely chutzpahdik they know I will lock their phone in an instant for a few days. We never get to that point. This is for the younger teenagers. My older teenagers are too old for this.

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:53 pm

amother Blue wrote:

Teenagers say "make me" even if they have a good relationship because they like to test boundaries.
I do not nag them, I overlook a lot. Except when it comes to a younger child's safety.
Teenagers copy their friends to see how it feels, how we'll react.
We can work on relationships, as long as the teenager has one ear without an earpiece. Rarely.

notshanarishona

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:53 pm

I would involve a therapist/ rebbe/ mentor. It sounds like said child needs more clearly defined rules and limits. He has to know talking like that is inappropriate and have consequences when they don’t listen. Being a teen doesn’t mean kids can do whatsoever they want, they still have to listen and respect you and if they don’t then maybe their is no $ for them to buy new clothes, phone bill, snacks they want, etc

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:55 pm

ellacoe wrote:

This is true. I am no-nonsense so I get frustrated more easily. DH knows how to tell them in a way they'll understand. Mainly with humor.

amother

Blue

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

What do you mean younger child's safety? What's going on exactly?

amother

Strawberry

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:01 am

I think it's a lot in the delivery. If a child says "makes me" and you say "I can't make you. I want to work this through with you because this decision will affect us both badly" will they be willing to listen?

Recently I am finding with my teen is that staying calm and non controlling, while still not giving up, although terribly difficult in the face of their attitudes is very potent.

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:01 am

notshanarishona wrote:

I have a few teenagers. If I would stop giving them money for basics they'd feel they must quit school and get a cashier job to earn for their necessities. Our unspoken deal is that they are in school and I provide for them. That doesn't mean anything they want but I'm not going to stop paying for their phones or clothing.