A bit sad... | Imamother

amother

Lightcoral

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:41 am

OP - I only have 1 baby granddaughter and they live in Israel while we are in the U.S., but I would also be hurt if my marrieds didn't make an effort to see us for 5 minutes on Purim, even though I still have kids at home and know very well what a hectic and hard day Purim is with getting to all the Rebbeim, teachers, kids' friends, etc. (forget about our friends - we gave up on making time to see them years ago!).

My in-laws are a 10 minute drive away, which can be longer on Purim, so they have for years come to megilla Purim morning at our shul, even though that is not where they normally daven. We are the only married kids of theirs nearby. After megilla they stop by our house (very close to the shul) and see all the kids, take some pictures, and we give them mishloach manos. It takes a little bit of effort on everyone's part becuase they are going to a different shul and we need to make sure to all be costumed right away after megilla and come straight back home so they are not waiting for us, but we spend those few minutes with them first thing before we head out anywhere becuase we know that otherwise it won't happen. I think everyone needs to make some effort to work out an arrangement ahead of time as this should be a priority.

amother

Bellflower

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:57 am

amother Lightcoral wrote:

Your saying that you’d be hurt if your married kids didn’t make an effort to come visit you, but at the same time if your in-laws didn’t come to your house every year you wouldn’t see them (ie- you wouldn’t be going over to visit them)

amother

Lightcoral

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 11:12 am

amother Bellflower wrote:

Because that's what my in-laws wanted! They didn't want to be stuck at home waiting for us all day and take a chance they woudl miss us. This arrangement was their suggestion and the point is to work something out ahead of time. We do go visit my parents at their house, because they are home all day.

amother

Maroon

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 11:25 am

amother Saddlebrown wrote:

If you're just sitting at home waiting then why can't you go to visit them?

Op should go to her kids who are running around and try to catch them?

Also, as said in op, they are not fighting the purim traffic. Which is harder to cope w as you age.

amother

Pink

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 11:27 am

In one of the frum neighborhoods that's very crowded/busy/trafficky on purim, my grandparents live the furthest away from us of all the people on our list. We go through the neighborhood in order, stopping at places along the way, and see how far we get before we run out of time/energy/kids need a nap. I'm not running to them first for the 2 minutes we'll get to see each other, and then not get to give to 10 friends or rosh yeshiva or rav, who live within a few blocks of us, because of that. Rather give the non-family recipients their 2 minutes each and visit grandparents a different day, when we can actually spend time together. (and this is only if we actually don't end up getting to them-usually we do)
You said yourself that you don't go out because it's hard to get around. Makes sense that it's hard for them too.

amother

Bellflower

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 11:27 am

amother Maroon wrote:

Op should go to her kids who are running around and try to catch them?

Also, as said in op, they are not fighting the purim traffic. Which is harder to cope w as you age.

They can ask when is a time they will be home and arrange to visit then

The driving around is harder to cope with little kids. The same way OP wants to be home and not deal, possibly they didn’t want to either

amother

Tiffanyblue

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 11:27 am

You have a right to be hurt. Grandparents should be priority. For next year invite them all for the same time and host something. Either at night or a brunch... When it's official it's automatically in the schedule. If they keep saying they're going soon they just never get there because purim is so hectic and crazy.

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:36 pm

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

Thank you all! However- we currently live in a very small apt and cannot host BH 15 plus ppl. This is what it is. Both kids wanted to come today with shaloch manos....maybe .... I just feel the messaging to the kiddos (and they are not all toddlers by any means) was not a good one. No way my husband and I can stop by on Purim- their houses are flying--- and we would never catch e o at home. Here is hoping next year (hello- I think Purim is on Erev Shabbos IYH) is better.

amother

Lavender

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 1:58 pm

So they want to come over today but you don’t want them to? Why not? Don’t hold your resentment against the kids, you’re older and wiser.

Also, as far is it not being a good message for the kids-I agree, but let’s face it, that’s not the real reason you’re upset. The way they raise their kids is their problem, it’s not your place. You’re upset they didn’t make time for you and make you a priority. Totally valid.

amother

Lemonlime

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 2:18 pm

They were wrong but it definitely can be justified. It still hurts though.

My mother in law is in her 80’s(!) and that was the most important stop of the day that we made sure to go there first so it gets done.

I think that next year you should tell them that you made something for their kids (make small pekelach or something) and you really want to see them in their costumes on Purim. I’m sure you’ll get a few visits. Have some hot Kugels and cake so the adults can sit down and eat something for a few minutes. The next year they’ll remember how enjoyable it was by you and how much you appreciated the visit that they will hopefully continue to come.
I’m sorry that you are sad about Purim this year…

amother

Maroon

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 2:24 pm

amother Bellflower wrote:

From Ops post it sounded like they were running around to "more important " stops.
Different story if the kids spent the day at home.

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 3:37 pm

OP I’ll share what happens in my house. I have numerous children of all ages.
Even if we keep it to one stop per child, with Purim traffic we’re talking easily 3-4 hours.
That’s after first my husband and then I go to megillah and deal with costumes and last minute mm prep.
Then there’s the seuda to prepare/ get to.
One of the MANY reasons all my siblings are so close to my parents is because no matter what we know they care. And always are understanding of how not easy having a houseful of children is.
And they understand that none of this is personal.
The last few years Purim my mother has called us each up before to find out when is best for us that my parents come over. And says “don’t come to me, it’s such a hard day. How can I help make it easier for you?”
Yes, not every kid is always home when my parents come.
But you know what? We feel the love and are so grateful to have parents who truly put our well being first, and to whom nothing is personal (or at least never let on- bc really it isn’t!!), understanding that we’re just sometimes overwhelmed with our stages in life.
I give you a Bracha that you share this amazing relationship as well.

Cheiny

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

Purim is always a very hectic day. I do, as a grandparent, remember it well! We always plan to go lots of places, but often miss out on a few stops- just too much traffic, too many kvetchy kids, too much to accomplish.... and still make it to a seudah.
All understood.
But this year- a few families ( a few of my married kids, who live under 15 min away) never made it to Bubby and Zaidy for shaloch manos. We did not share a seuda , so we simply did not have the distinct pleasure of sharing any part of Purim with those grandkids/families.
I gently noted their absence and was summarily told" sorry- we were just too busy..."
Call me crazy- but is that ok? This was one of those years that we did not get many shaloch manos visitors and we just sat here, waiting for the kids to come- and no, we do not ride around town, fighting traffic going to ppl- is it wrong to expect grandchildren to stop by on Purim???
Understand- my husband and I both work full time and we do spend Shabbosim with our kids- but this was painful...

I totally validate your pain. Your kids should prioritize you over some others if they have to make a choice. The “we were just too busy” should be for the others… it’s a long day and surely they can find some time for their parents if they’ve managed to do so in past years.

Cheiny

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:16 pm

amother Maroon wrote:

Op should go to her kids who are running around and try to catch them?

Also, as said in op, they are not fighting the purim traffic. Which is harder to cope w as you age.

Indeed the kids will be watching how their parents treat their own parents, and will learn what their priorities are.

amother

Cadetblue

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:27 pm

OP, do you live 15 min away regularly, or on purim?
I live in monsey.
My inlaws are about a 10 minute drive from us on a regular day.
I kid you not, on purim it can EASILY take an hour to get to them. One way. They live in the heart of main monsey, (and I live in a completely different neighborhood on the outskirt) with half the streets made into one way streets to accomodate the influx and many many roads coming to a complete standstill. To the point where you just put your car in park and watch all the pedestrians rushing last you.

We used to be the good kids, who made sure no matter what to get to Bubby and Zaidy's house. And then one year it was just too much! The constant jerking of the car in traffic, the child who threw up everywhere, the insane amount of time (close to 2 hours) that going to Bubby and Zaidy entailed, combined with all the other hubbub of the day...it was not okay.

The following year we told my inlaws it was just too hard for us to get there on purim day, but we could come the night before, or they could come to our side of town and we'd be in touch and meet up somewhere. Purim got much easier that year. I hope deep down theyre ok with it. They certainly seem to be...

amother

Oldlace

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 7:39 pm

OP I really feel for you as my DH and myself are aging. We live about an hour from our children so it's not like next door or 20 minute ride. Just so you can understand what happens (I am starting to see after many years). We live on a '' cul de sac''. My DH only stays on our block and brings to about 6 Rabbi's on the road. OP this takes up from about 10.30am till 3.00pm. That's including Mincha, Being the gabbai in Shul and collecting the $ for the organizations that asked. We also gave together about another 6 families. (My DH drinks very little but enjoys the Divrei Torah). we didn't leave the Block. No driving. My Sibling who I love so much asked us to join them in another town about an Hour away. I said we won't leave till 3.30pm, by bus and traffic we would get there 5.30-6.00pm. (because of traffic) We stay home. What I am saying is I am sure the children and Grands want to come. Purim is extremely hectic in certain areas. If it's something you really need, tell your children a month before Purim next year. maybe they can come over before Traffic gets hard. Most times it's not about us.

giftedmom

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 7:48 pm

So you don’t officially invite them for a meal you just sit at home and wait for them to maybe come?
One thing I learned about Purim is if it doesn’t work we revamp.
We had too much pressure running out to Megillah on time and everyone was hungry so now I go myself and then we make a meal at home. We don’t go to Rebbe’s anymore.
At night we had nowhere to go so now we make our own party for friends.
Op for next year plan ahead and see how you can make Purim enjoyable.
Maybe that means inviting married kids for a meal or maybe it means going to one of them. Maybe it means getting together with friends. It can also mean thinking about needy people who can use some Purim joy.