A bit sad... | Imamother

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 8:59 pm

I guess I did not give enough detail- I did host the Purim Seudah- for over 30 years- for my BH large family and grandchildren. We moved recently, downsizing--- an d now go to our kids for Yomim Tovim, Shabbosim ,Seuda on Purim- not just "sitting home" - and BH it is not about difficult relationships with DIL etc- we are a very close family. That is why I was so surprised by yesterday...

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:45 pm

amother Scarlet wrote:

OP I’ll share what happens in my house. I have numerous children of all ages.
Even if we keep it to one stop per child, with Purim traffic we’re talking easily 3-4 hours.
That’s after first my husband and then I go to megillah and deal with costumes and last minute mm prep.
Then there’s the seuda to prepare/ get to.
One of the MANY reasons all my siblings are so close to my parents is because no matter what we know they care. And always are understanding of how not easy having a houseful of children is.
And they understand that none of this is personal.
The last few years Purim my mother has called us each up before to find out when is best for us that my parents come over. And says “don’t come to me, it’s such a hard day. How can I help make it easier for you?”
Yes, not every kid is always home when my parents come.
But you know what? We feel the love and are so grateful to have parents who truly put our well being first, and to whom nothing is personal (or at least never let on- bc really it isn’t!!), understanding that we’re just sometimes overwhelmed with our stages in life.
I give you a Bracha that you share this amazing relationship as well.

The message to your kids should be that grandparents are the most important stop.

If your parents tell you specifically that they don't mind coming to you, fine. But that's not the case for OP, maybe she finds fighting the traffic to be harder than your parents.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

Next year, I would tell them a few days beforehand that you really enjoy seeing the kids in their costumes on Purim, and you hope they'll be able to make it this year.

amother

White

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:54 pm

OP, this is just conjecture, and may not make anything better... You said you live in an apartment. Is it hard to find parking by you? Maybe particularly on a Sunday?

If that's the case, I would let them know, closer to Purim next year, that it's ok if someone drops the kids off at the curb and circles for a few minutes or goes to deliver something and comes back, and it may not be long but will still be nice.

amother

Lilac

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:03 pm

I find peoples comments so surprising. I’m not close with my parents. At all. I actually have very little to do with them. And yet I would never think of not stopping by on Purim. They’re one of the only people we go to. My attitude in general on Purim is if we both don’t go to each other, none of us can get insulted. So whoever comes to me gets one back. But not bringing the kids to see their grandparents? Sorry that’s unacceptable.

giftedmom

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:20 pm

I’m confused as well. If you’re not hosting and the norm is you going to them how would they know that you’re sitting at home waiting for them? And also if you’re not hosting what are they coming into? Did you prepare food? Is it meant to just be a five minute visit to see costumes?

amother

Lemonlime

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:44 pm

Each one probably thought they were the only ones who didn’t make it to you and that everyone else had gone over.
Is this the first Purim you’re in your current location? Can it be that it could really take close to an hour to get to you on Purim?
I’m sure no one imagined that all the siblings didn’t show up.
It would bother me too. Maybe next year you can send out a message that Bubby and zeidy are happy to see everyone between 11-1:30….

amother

Crimson

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 4:24 am

Well', my grandad was insulted that he didn't see us last year (I was highly pregnant plus 2 little kids) - we came to their house and only my grandma was home. But he was still upset.
This year we asked him to give us a time when he'd be home, which he did. He still wasn't home then Banging head

We hung around a little bit and actually did get to see him, but boy was I annoyed!

renslet

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:33 am

I hear you, it's so painful to feel forgotten an don't so important.
We love around 1/2 hour (more on Purim) way from my in laws and we prioritize going there every year.
This year was just too much, being Sunday etc. shul started later than usual (my husband is a Rav ) and so we went the night before after Megillah. It was so nice, my kids showed their costumes, até spent time with my in laws etc.
May be a solution for next year.

amother

Mimosa

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:47 am

They should have come to you. If they weren’t able to for actual valid reasons, they should have apologized profusely and felt bad.

Young people can be incredibly self-centered, that’s what I’m learning as I BH start to marry off my kids. Next year I would ask your kids, before Purim, if they can make a plan that works for them, to bring the kids to you. You shouldn’t have to be the one initiating the conversation, but clearly they’re not going to.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:55 am

giftedmom wrote:

BH, as I said- it is a large family- I was going to a seuda at one marrieds home- but not all the marrieds and grands were coming to that seuda. So I would not get to see those families- Parking is no problem at all where I live- that was not it- I always prep pekalach, and stacks of dollar bills to give to the grands- we take pics with them in costume- I have done this for years- this year- they did not show.

amother

Coral

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:20 am

This year, I went to the mikva Motzaei Shabbos, then waited up for my bochur to get home, then my baby woke me twice during the night. I got around only 3-4 hours of sleep. Purim day, I was utterly wiped out. Then my toddler seemed to have some kind if infection and we needed to fit in a pediatrician appointment with everything else. It took an hour to get there because of the Purim traffic.
That's the kind of day that's called "not having time". I feel that sometimes grandparents can forget exactly how hectic life can get for families in the thick of child raising!
It's also entirely possible that a DIL needed to go to the mikva Purim night (and fit in preparations during the day)! I've had to make many an excuse to my parents on such occasions!

amother

White

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:32 am

OP, based on your explanation, I would definitely assume that each family had a difficult day and assumed the others went. The ones hosting seudah or who would be at seudah would for sure assume they could miss because they would see you, and the others might have had individual circumstances. Having not conferred about it, when they found out later they likely felt pretty bad.

amother

Oxfordblue

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:46 am

We prioritize going to my parent. It meant we skipped a few people we would have liked to give to but this was a non negotiable. We do spend less time there as the years go on but I think my parents are ok with that. To be fair though, it’s only a few minutes drive from my house even on Purim and traffic in general isn’t crazy on Purim and everyone we need to give to is relatively close. If I lived in Lakewood or Brooklyn where getting across town could take an hour and every kids Rebbi and Morah also took an hour I could understand feeling that we see my parents so often a picture is enough.

amother

Lemonlime

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:09 am

Since traffic is so bad and you live a bit farther away probably the ones who you saw by the Seuda just figured that they’ll see you later anyway. But I totally understand that you weren’t expecting to have an empty house this year when everyone is technically in the same neighborhood.
Now I’m thinking that if where you live is really considered out of the way on Purim, maybe next year you can go to a married child who lives more central and send out a message that you’ll be at chani’s house at 2pm to be able to exchange mishloach manos with everyone.
It’s not that they didn’t want to see YOU. It’s just hard to travel chutz l’machaneh when it takes so long on Purim day.

amother

Slateblue

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:24 am

amother Daylily wrote:

Could it be because of how you treat and talk about your DIL?

It could be she didn’t want to go because of how you hurt her and she told her husband that he and kids could go but there’s a limit to how much she can take and she’s not able to go.

It could be your son made a decision that it wouldn’t be right to take the kids to visit if his parents keep hurting his wife and his parents keep asking him if they can spend time with him and the kids specifically without his wife.

That’s why my kids didn’t visit one side this year. I wish my husband would have told his parents why we actually didn’t come but it is his parents and it’s up to him.

I’m surprised no one commented on this nasty response. Why would you assume this? Even if this is the situation, your husband should have taken your kids to see his parents, even if you didn’t want to go.

OP I have never, ever, not spent time with my parents on Purim no matter how difficult or busy the day might have been for me. Its priority. It sounds like you are wonderful grandparents, how you have pekalach and $$ to give out, and enjoy taking pictures, the nachas… it really isn’t right. The ones who you weren’t spending the Seudah with, who live nearby, definitely should have came. And if they didn’t they should have called after Purim and explained and apologized, assuming there was a specific reason they didn’t make it. Such a bad example to the grandkids…

amother

Cinnamon

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:21 am

amother Pink wrote:

In one of the frum neighborhoods that's very crowded/busy/trafficky on purim, my grandparents live the furthest away from us of all the people on our list. We go through the neighborhood in order, stopping at places along the way, and see how far we get before we run out of time/energy/kids need a nap. I'm not running to them first for the 2 minutes we'll get to see each other, and then not get to give to 10 friends or rosh yeshiva or rav, who live within a few blocks of us, because of that. Rather give the non-family recipients their 2 minutes each and visit grandparents a different day, when we can actually spend time together. (and this is only if we actually don't end up getting to them-usually we do)
You said yourself that you don't go out because it's hard to get around. Makes sense that it's hard for them too.

This post sickens me

amother

Cinnamon

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:27 am

[quote="amother Bellflower"]I think it’s valid to be sad you didn’t get to see them, but it’s unfair to expect anyone to have done anything differently. Especially if they have young children, Purim can be an extremely tough and stressful day, with lots of running around involved and just not enough time in the day to make it to everyone.

I don’t think it’s wrong if someone can’t make it, just nice if they can. That should be the start and end of it. Once we get start getting upset at people for not killing themselves to make it happen, it just leads to bad feelings all around and unnecessary resentment.

"Someone"?? "People"???? These are PARENTS we are talking about! This attitude is despicable!! I really feel bad for your parents but the worst off is you. If this is the attitude you have about parents, your own children will follow suit. You may not even care, and that is the saddest of all