Playdate for girls with brothers babysitting (short time)

amother

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 3:42 pm

Something happened recently that surprised me, and I'm wondering whether other people would have felt the same way.

It was a day that all of the kids were home but dh wasn't. My preschooler needed to be dropped off and picked up from an activity and I didn't want to shlep all the kids along. So I asked my teenagers if they could "babysit" for the ten minutes it would take for me to drive a couple of minutes to the activity, pick my preschooler up, and drive back. They said sure.

Then my eight year old gets a phone call from a friend who she's gotten together with several times recently, sometimes at our house and sometimes at her house. I tell her I'm fine with the friend coming over, but I just want to talk to her mother first to let her know about that "ten minute babysitting" that my boys will be doing. When I told her, she thanked me for letting her know and said that maybe we'd take a rain check.

My daughter ended up going over there instead, which was fine, but it got me thinking. Would other moms feel uncomfortable with an older brother babysitting for a short amount of time during a playdate? My oldest is almost 16. If he was a girl, it would definitely not be a problem. I also mentioned that he would probably be in his room with the door closed, maybe even resting, but my younger teen would know to get him if there was an emergency.

Is she nervous about her child being abused by my son in that span of time? Or that boys in general aren't responsible? Or that it's not safe for the older teen to be resting in his room while babysitting, even if there's another semi-old sibling who knows to wake him if he's needed?

Would any of you have responded the same way? And if so, why? Would it matter if you knew the family and the boy?

amother

Pearl

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 3:48 pm

If I knew the family well I would be fine

I wouldn't leave my 13 year old with my 8 year old daughter and her friend. I doing trust him.

amother

Babyblue

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 3:49 pm

She was probably concerned about her daughter being watched by a teenage boy because of molestation reasons.

I’m not saying wether that’s fair or not but everyone’s guard is super high these days.

amother

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 4:01 pm

amother Babyblue wrote:

Even for less than 10 minutes?

amother

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 4:02 pm

amother Pearl wrote:

If I knew the family well I would be fine

I wouldn't leave my 13 year old with my 8 year old daughter and her friend. I doing trust him.

Don't trust him in what way? Would you trust him to watch just your 8 year old while you ran out for a few minutes?

amother

Mistyrose

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 4:06 pm

I think I’d be uncomfortable too. Unless there were a lot of girls home. How many other kids besides the 2 8 year olds and the 16 year old boy?

amother

Yarrow

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 4:10 pm

Are the other younger teens girls or are they all boys.

amother

Pearl

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 5:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

Don't trust him in what way? Would you trust him to watch just your 8 year old while you ran out for a few minutes?

I would trust him with my own kid but I would also assume they might fight and that's what family is all about. But I can't trust that he won't annoy my daughters friend. He isn't responsible in that way. 16 is better than 13 but teen boys tend to be not that responsible.

Obviously I wouldn't think he would do anything inappropriate but that is because I know him well.

amother

Dandelion

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 6:02 pm

I wouldn't have had a problem with it unless I was weary about the family in general from beforehand.

amother

Rose

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 6:17 pm

Were there other kids home as well? Otherwise it is a yichud issue. Maybe that was her concern? My husband is super machmir when it comes to yichud. One time my daughter, who was 4 1/2 at the time, was invited to a friend's house. The mom told me her husband would be home with the kids (they had this child and 1 other infant). I don't even remember exactly in what context I mentioned that part of it to my husband, but he said we couldn't send her because it was a problem of yichud. I know many aren't makpid when the kids are that young but halachically yichud is a problem beginning when a girl is 3 with a boy over the age of 9.

amother

Bone

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 6:36 pm

I would be fine with it from a safety perspective, but it would be a yichud problem unless you had a certain number of kids above a certain age there.

shabbatiscoming

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 3:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

Even for less than 10 minutes?

While I have no issue at all with your scenario op, molestation can happen in way less than 10 minutes. Just wanted to point that out.

amother

Steelblue

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 7:03 pm

I would be nervous.

I may be over cautious, I know that and its not that I would think your son would molest. Just that with no adult supervision if there was a chance an older brother was disturbed, or had been abused himself, had a temptation to experiment or any other situation. A scenario like this would be the ideal setting for him.

amother

Honey

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 9:30 pm

I wouldn’t have a problem with such a situation but sometimes a person’s instinctive answer is no even if they wouldn’t actually mind if they thought it over. It also could be that she was more concerned by the fact that he’d be in his room (aka they were just being supervised by the younger teen) rather than the fact that he was home at all. Or she’s of the mindset that teenage boys should never babysit girls because some people make personal rules in black and white.

It’s hard to know with these things…

effess

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 10:23 pm

I wouldn’t do it.
Not because I’m afraid your son will do anything.
I don’t allow my girls to go anywhere if their big brother is in charge.
They know it’s a rule I have and once I break my own rule, they can also. Even if I have the best reason in the world.

amother

Celeste

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 11:18 pm

Maybe she wanted an adult around at all
Times- even if you would have said 16 yrs old daughter. But honestly I would also feel
Uncomfortable in this situation.