if youre being supported finacially by one side

amother

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 2:25 pm

my in laws support dh and I in kollel in EY. they pay for our tickets to america for pesach. does that mean that every single year we need to be by them for first days if they want us to be?
my parents would love to be able to support us too, they just dont have any money. My parents are also very sad bc they feel that in laws always come first and they wish we could be by them for first days.

amother

Charcoal

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 2:27 pm

If your in laws support you and pay for your tickets in then they do kind of have that right. Do you go to your parents the second days?

amother

Chambray

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 2:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

That a tough one.

I think strictly speaking the ones who pay are the ones who call the shots. However, if your in laws are nice people and sensitive to others, they would agree to switch off. Have you tried asking them if they would mind? If they agree, wonderful! But if they don't you and your husband will need to make some tough choices about how beholden to them you want to be

amother

Charcoal

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 2:36 pm

Also your parents instead of feeling sad they can't have you the first days should be grateful they have you the second days, since it sounds like if your in laws didn't pay for your ticket you wouldn't be able to afford to fly in at all. Sometimes a change of mindset is helpful.

112

lamplighter

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 3:21 pm

Yes if they pay for the tickets they get first choice on when you go to them.
Now if you said they don't let you go to your parents at all, that's a different issue. If it's just about preference, they get preference.

amother

Coffee

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 3:31 pm

Play the Game. You want to go to your parents? Pay your own way. Unless your In laws are really kind and will say ''Sure, we just spent $1800 on 1 ticket ( You are a couple pple. so more, I know the prices from Israel) go and enjoy your parents. Maybe they will. I would not have the Chutzpah to do that. You know your In Laws. What do you think?

amother

Lightpink

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 4:13 pm

If your parents paid your ticket and his his then you'd have the ability to take turns.

But I think depending on the personality of your dh and his parents, he could ask them if they would mind one year that you'd be at your father's seder once because you are missing it. But if they aren't sensitive people it probably wouldn't work. You just have to make the best of things of the time you get with them should be quality.

Its really tricky getting supported.

amother

Butterscotch

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 4:15 pm

In terms of supporting you, I wouldn’t say it’s owed though usually that’s how a lot of couples handle it out of hakaras hatov (or lack of setting boundaries)

But the separate issue is them paying for your tickets home for Pesach, in which case it’s nice that they allow you to go to your parents at all. They are paying for you to go to them, it’s something extra and unnecessary and yes, that means you go when they want you to (or you can decline the offer of paid tickets and pay for your own to therefore make your own choices)

Example- if your parents were going to Florida on vacation for a 2 weeks and invited you to go along while paying all your trip expenses, and you asked if instead of staying with them you went to stay/vacation by someone else for however long you wanted to but still on their dime, that would be totally rude and unacceptable

amother

Ballota

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 4:16 pm

amother Charcoal wrote:

This, 100%.

amother

Almond

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 4:28 pm

They may be the loveliest most unselfish people in the world who give with no strings attached.

However if someone is supporting you and also paying for your expensive air fare back then the appropriate way to respond is to visit with them as they now doubt expect - because their expectation is reasonable.

You will see your parents other days.

amother

Burntblack

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 4:52 pm

I have a sib that my parents fly home 2x per year with wife and 6 kids. They bring them all.
They fly straight to his in laws home for 2 weeks and then come to my parents for 1-2 days only. My parents are tzadikim and understand that their dil needs her parents more despite having no money.
I am not such a tzadekes.

amother

Chambray

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 4:57 pm

amother Burntblack wrote:

Your parents definitely are tzadikim. I suppose that if your sil doesn't realise on her own that the time should be divided more fairly, there really are deeper issues at play.

amother

Ballota

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 4:58 pm

amother Burntblack wrote:

Sorry your sibling has terrible middos. Your parents pay full airfare and they only come for a couple of days??

amother

Ballota

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 5:01 pm

A sibling of mine had this one sukkos and they were by his parents both first days and last days, and only visited my parents for a couple of nights over chol hamoed. NOT BECAUSE her in-laws were bad people at all, but because they were bringing them over for a reason. To spend time with them over Yom Tov.

When it's every Yom Tov it makes it much harder because of course you would love to go to your family more, but as other posters mentioned, your alternative would be not to come at all. So really it's a huge bonus for your parents that you're able to do this.

amother

Chambray

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 5:04 pm

amother Ballota wrote:

Sorry your sibling has terrible middos. Your parents pay full airfare and they only come for a couple of days??

And this is probably the exact reason why the please don't say anything thread was posted. This sib would probably pay a very heavy price if he were to insist she spend more time with his family. As I said, if she doesn't realise it on her own, there is a deeper problem. My heart actually goes out to that poster's brother.

amother

Currant

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 5:05 pm

Your inlaws are paying for you both to spend yom tov with them. It's very menshlicht of them to "share you" with your parents as well, even though they flew you in

A wife who would insist they spend much of the time with her family would be wrong, although I understand she missed and wants to see her family...she wouldn't even be back in America if her inlaws didn't bring them.

If your mother doesn't understand maybe she should pay for 1 ticket. Share the cost with the inlaws.

amother

Amaryllis

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 5:05 pm

amother Burntblack wrote:

Wow. Im not even sure how to respond to this. I guess there is more to this story than mentioned here.

amother

Tomato

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 5:11 pm

I’m rather shocked that your parents would tell you that. Your husband can certainly mention to his parents that he’d like to change things up this year if it works for them. But it’s really not right of your parents to put that kind of pressure on you.

amother

Amaryllis

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 5:11 pm

amother Chambray wrote:

Juat because someone posts a please dont say anything post doesnt make this scenario ok at all. I wonder why the parents even bother flying them in twice a year.