Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach
If youre being supported finacially by one side
  Previous  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 7:38 am
amother Charcoal wrote:
Obviously that's ideal but not everyone feels that way. And we are talking about fully supporting them for years and flying them in 1-2x a year. If all they ask in return is to go to them for the seder then op has a pretty good deal going. Not sure what the big deal is.


Yes, my sister fully supports her daughter and SIL in EY, and yet she does not make their plans for them when they fly them in for Pesach. It's understood that they will sometimes want to see the Seder at the other side. It's a normal part of life and chinuch. And it IS a big deal when a couple, year after year, only gets to see the Seder at one side of the family and never the other, all over money.
Back to top

amother
Charcoal


 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 7:40 am
Chayalle wrote:
Yes, my sister fully supports her daughter and SIL in EY, and yet she does not make their plans for them when they fly them in for Pesach. It's understood that they will sometimes want to see the Seder at the other side. It's a normal part of life and chinuch. And it IS a big deal when a couple, year after year, only gets to see the Seder at one side of the family and never the other, all over money.


Kudos to your sister. Not everyone is on that madreiga. And that doesn't make ops in laws bad people or negate all the good they do for her. Nobody is perfect (well maybe your sister is).
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 7:42 am
amother Charcoal wrote:
Kudos to your sister. Not everyone is on that madreiga. And that doesn't make ops in laws bad people or negate all the good they do for her. Nobody is perfect (well maybe your sister is).


I guess I was raised in a family where we give our children without dictating how they use it.
My sister agreed to support the couple. It didn't include any ownership. And she gets that her SIL will want to be by his parents' Seder sometimes.
Back to top

amother
Charcoal


 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 7:45 am
Chayalle wrote:
I guess I was raised in a family where we give our children without dictating how they use it.
My sister agreed to support the couple. It didn't include any ownership. And she gets that her SIL will want to be by his parents' Seder sometimes.


OP said this is all they ask of her...to come for the seder. I think that's the least they can do to show their parents they appreciate all the money they give them. It's not dictating their life or how they use their money. It's one small ask.
Back to top

lamplighter




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 7:46 am
Throw the tomatoes but a son being at his father's seder is different to a girl being at her father's seder.

Bottom line is that her in laws get preference for when they come. Are there people who say it's ok you can go to either parents, sure, but that doesn't make her in laws wrong. The one who is wrong is her mother interfering and creating issues.
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 7:51 am
lamplighter wrote:
Throw the tomatoes but a son being at his father's seder is different to a girl being at her father's seder.

Bottom line is that her in laws get preference for when they come. Are there people who say it's ok you can go to either parents, sure, but that doesn't make her in laws wrong. The one who is wrong is her mother interfering and creating issues.


DUCK! There are tomatoes coming your way.
(mother of only girls)
I would never interfere in my daughter's relationship with her in-laws. I'm just saying my view toward the in-laws themselves. If you are the in-laws and truly love your kids, think about how it feels to them. Think of the benefits of giving without causing them any niggling bad feelings because they can't go to the other side's seder ever.
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 7:52 am
amother Charcoal wrote:
OP said this is all they ask of her...to come for the seder. I think that's the least they can do to show their parents they appreciate all the money they give them. It's not dictating their life or how they use their money. It's one small ask.


I disagree. If it's every single year, every single seder, it's not a small ask.
Back to top

amother
Charcoal


 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 7:52 am
Chayalle wrote:
DUCK! There are tomatoes coming your way.
(mother of only girls)
I would never interfere in my daughter's relationship with her in-laws. I'm just saying my view toward the in-laws themselves. If you are the in-laws and truly love your kids, think about how it feels to them. Think of the benefits of giving without causing them any niggling bad feelings because they can't go to the other side's seder ever.


Think of the in laws who give and give and all they ask is one thing. Ops parents should be calling the in laws to thank them for supporting their daughter for years and for flying them in so they could spend the second days with them. If not for the in laws ops parents would never spend yom tov with them.
Back to top

amother
Chambray


 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 7:55 am
amother Charcoal wrote:
Think of the in laws who give and give and all they ask is one thing. Ops parents should be calling the in laws to thank them for supporting their daughter for years and for flying them in so they could spend the second days with them. If not for the in laws ops parents would never spend yom tov with them.


If not for OP's in laws, they probably wouldn't not be living in Israel for years on end.....just saying....
Back to top

amother
Sunflower


 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 7:59 am
Wadr Chayalle, you’re not supporting your dd are you? It’s very easy to tell other people how to spend their money. Her ils are flying them in to have their company at the seder. OP can decline, stay in EY. Or she can fly herself in and go to her parents. If someone is paying for something, which is a very reasonable request, you as an outsider don’t really get an opinion on what they “should” be doing
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 8:01 am
amother Charcoal wrote:
Think of the in laws who give and give and all they ask is one thing. Ops parents should be calling the in laws to thank them for supporting their daughter for years and for flying them in so they could spend the second days with them. If not for the in laws ops parents would never spend yom tov with them.


Or think of Hashem, who has provided you with the ability to help out your kids. Think of this other couple who may not have the means, but they put their Kochos into raising a beautiful daughter who makes your son happy. Thank Hashem you have the means, and thank Him that he sent your son a wonderful life's partner and grandchildren who give you Nachas.

I don't mean you here....I'm talking to couples in this situation.
Back to top

amother
Caramel


 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 8:02 am
amother OP wrote:
yes but I would rather have a dh who learns in kollel and deal with this 1 or 2x a year then have my dh go work


I’m sure you do, since as a major perk you get a fully expenses paid life in EY. Sounds pretty nice!
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 8:03 am
amother Sunflower wrote:
Wadr Chayalle, you’re not supporting your dd are you? It’s very easy to tell other people how to spend their money. Her ils are flying them in to have their company at the seder. OP can decline, stay in EY. Or she can fly herself in and go to her parents. If someone is paying for something, which is a very reasonable request, you as an outsider don’t really get an opinion on what they “should” be doing


We actually give quite a lot, wherever we can. I'll leave it at that.
Back to top

amother
Charcoal


 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 8:08 am
Chayalle wrote:
Or think of Hashem, who has provided you with the ability to help out your kids. Think of this other couple who may not have the means, but they put their Kochos into raising a beautiful daughter who makes your son happy. Thank Hashem you have the means, and thank Him that he sent your son a wonderful life's partner and grandchildren who give you Nachas.

I don't mean you here....I'm talking to couples in this situation.


You sound very generous and kind. But it doesn't mean ops in laws aren't. They don't ask her anything else. And I also think we need to teach our children gratitude to those that support you. And to sacrifice for torah. Couples are being supported for years in style and they should know this is a privilege that yes, may come along with a few strings they don't love. That's life. If they don't like the arrangement they can support themselves. I bh never was supported and therefore did whatever I wanted to do. However, if my in laws supported me and all they asked was to be at their seder I would consider that pretty generous, no matter how much I wanted to be by my father. It's how I would show my appreciation and gratitude for all they do for me.
Back to top

B'Syata D'Shmya




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 8:43 am
doodlesmom wrote:
As for the couple I’d say start saving up now and next year say we’d rather pay our own way and make our own plans….


Why?
You do you and OP will do whats good for her.
Back to top

B'Syata D'Shmya




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 8:46 am
Chayalle wrote:
I disagree. If it's every single year, every single seder, it's not a small ask.


For Chayalle its not a small ask, for OP it is..let us each respect that different people have different set of values and choices. Why push our agenda on OP?
Back to top

amother
Iris


 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 9:00 am
lamplighter wrote:
Throw the tomatoes but a son being at his father's seder is different to a girl being at her father's seder.


Why? Can you explain this?
Back to top

B'Syata D'Shmya




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 9:56 am
Chayalle wrote:
DUCK! There are tomatoes coming your way.
(mother of only girls)
I would never interfere in my daughter's relationship with her in-laws. I'm just saying my view toward the in-laws themselves. If you are the in-laws and truly love your kids, think about how it feels to them. Think of the benefits of giving without causing them any niggling bad feelings because they can't go to the other side's seder ever.


There is a special place in heaven for Tzadikos like you. Now please dont interfere in OPs SB with her ILs. Your implication that OPs ILs dont truly love their kids cause they..... and your insistence that everyone has to do like you, because that is the standard you have set - doesnt shtim with Yiddishkeit as I learned it.
Wishing you all a Chag Kasher VeSameach.
Back to top

chestnut




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 10:33 am
I don't understand how anyone can say anything bad about OP's in-laws when not only do they support them year around, but also bring them home for Pesach. If they wouldn't, OP and her parents wouldn't be seeing each other every year at all!!
There should be nothing but appreciation to her in-laws.
Back to top

B'Syata D'Shmya




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 02 2024, 10:35 am
amother Hydrangea wrote:
I didn't CHOOSE to be selfless. Its something that was ingrained in me by my parents all through the years. They were mechanech me/us that we have to treat the other side equally even if my parents were the ones supporting us and helping us out on a disproportionate level. It was my father who drilled in to me over and over again that money comes from Hashem and is not his. I thought this was something basic, like breathing, but apparently not.

Right, OP's parents are unhappy, which is very normal in a situation like this. It's very hard to be pushed to the side just because you don't have money. It's a horrible feeling, I hope you never know from it.

OP still has a kibbud av veim obligation to BOTH sets of parents. And her children deserve a relationship with both sets of parents. I would have suggested that OP ask a Rav what to do, but nobody is asking me.


Still a choice.
You dont know my life, so you dont know what I have "known from".
I would never impose my feelings on my children or make them feel guilty for spending ( more ) time by "the other side".
I dont believe in cheshbonos. I am happy for whatever time my marrieds can give me. If it isnt "fair", I dont say a word, I smile and give bigger hugs.
I would never demand and say "You owe me, I raised you, You owe me Kibbud Horim
For the record, the chiyuv on Kibbud Horim is greater for husband parents than wifes...Ask your Rav.
Back to top
Page 7 of 8   Previous  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach

Related Topics Replies Last Post
How did I become public enemy number one 😞
by amother
50 Fri, Apr 19 2024, 7:18 am View last post
Side steak? 0 Thu, Apr 18 2024, 6:59 pm View last post
Whats the one thing u use the most of over pesach?
by amother
26 Thu, Apr 18 2024, 4:05 pm View last post
“Urgent” one day/night trip
by amother
7 Wed, Apr 17 2024, 11:17 am View last post
Pick One (all natural, no obvious chemicals) Pesach Recipe
by amother
0 Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:47 pm View last post