Do I have to invite them?

justforfun87

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 12:07 pm

For the last 3-4 years (Not Covid) we have been having a family over for Seder. We are friendly acquaintances but I wouldn't say friends. They have not invited us over for a single meal all year and TBH I would like to not invite them this year. Not anything personal but it is a BIG family and then can't have anyone else.

So, do I have to have them again?

justforfun87

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 12:10 pm

amother Begonia wrote:

No, why would you *have* to invite anyone?

I guess I don't have to... but should I assume they are waiting around for the invite?

amother

Begonia

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 12:12 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

I guess I don't have to... but should I assume they are waiting around for the invite?

Unless you usually invite them last minute, I would assume that you would be inviting them around now and if a week passes and they aren't invited they will know that this year they won't be with you.

If you feel comfortable letting them know that this year doesn't work out then that's okay but personally I would not feel comfortable doing that.

watergirl

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 12:15 pm

No way do you need to invite them. If they assume that your house is their default obvious accommodation, it’s very sad for them.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 12:19 pm

amother Begonia wrote:

I would just worry that they are assuming that they will be coming and not letting them know now will just be pushing off an awkward conversation till right before Pesach. That being said, I don't really have any advice for OP how to broach the subject tactfully.

amother

Maple

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 12:41 pm

Agree that it would be best for you to let them know it won’t work out this year so they can make other plans. Say you’ve loved having them but this year unfortunately it won’t work out.
If you don’t feel comfortable having that convo that’s OK. I don’t think you’re expected to invite them for forever. But yeah they may be assuming they’ll be invited and it may be uncomfortably close to pesach before they realize they aren’t going to be…

amother

Bone

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 12:56 pm

You don’t have to have them but you do have to let them know. If they’ve been coming for a few years there’s a good chance they think that’s what’s going to happen this year. You need to give them a fair amount of time to make other plans. You can say how your family loves having them and you all really enjoyed their company the last few years but you want to let them know you won’t be able to host them this year. There’s a nice way to say it and no one has to feel hurt but it has to be said. You’re never obligated to have guests but you’re always obligated to be considerate and behave like a mentsh.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 12:56 pm

There's a reason three times is considered a chazakah. I think it's a must to communicate with them that it doesn't work for you this year. If you feel awkward on the phone, you can send a polite message. Otherwise, you may run into her in the store or she may reach out in two weeks and say, "Wow, we've both been busy and haven't had a chance to touch base. What can I bring?"

amother

Thistle

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 12:57 pm

Of course you don't have to invite them.
But you do need to let the know already, so that can make alternatives plans.

amother

Daisy

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 1:02 pm

I had a family over for a few years. A divorced mother with kids. One year I decided that it’s too much for me plus some relatives wanted to come and I couldn’t host both. I called her and told her that I felt so bad that I couldn’t have them year.. relatives are coming… and that was that.

amother

Lime

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 10:49 pm

This is exactly why I set a policy never to invite anyone for Pesach more than two years in a row. I could skip a year and invite them again in Year 4 but never in Year 3. I didn't want anyone to believe that by inviting three years in a row I established a chazakah and would now be obligated, halachically or socially, to invite them forever, nor did I want anyone assuming they now had a standing invitation. I've known people who wouldn't go to their own children for Pesach because they had guests of long standing who "couldn't" be turned away "because they've been our seder guests for 25 years and we can't disappoint them now after all this time."

amother

Catmint

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:45 am

amother Bone wrote:

Exactly this

salt

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:47 am

You should definitely let them know. Could be a message:
"Hi, just wanted to let you know, we've loved having you for seder the last few years, but we won't be able to this year. Just wanted to let you know in advance."