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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Boy Shana aleph
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racheld6




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 8:26 pm
Hello need advice little help ,
My oldest son 19 came back from yeshiva in Israel ,
Home for a few days he’s been out late so when I ask when he’s coming back he responds with ״don’t wait up״
Sleeps in , disrespecting not only me but his dad !
Am I right to ask and be concerned or just let it be ,
He’s claiming wants to go back to Israel but I know all he wants is feedom and to chill won’t work or go to school to do anything he’s relying on the little cash he makes running errands for a neighbor ,
Do I just let him be or put my foot down ! He’s not my only child I have a full house and we both work full time l feel my post is all over the place but 😤,,,,
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essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:01 pm
What does shana rishona have to do with this?
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amother
Cognac


 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:01 pm
It's not disrespectful of him to tell you not to wait up for him. He's an adult, he doesn't need to tell you exactly where he is at all times.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:06 pm
You can try to put your foot down but he's 19...by now chinuch is over!
He knows what he's supposed to be doing and what and your husband think is right.
You can certainly have a conversation, coach him, try to encourage him to do the right thing.
But what would be the consequences if "you put your foot down" and he doesn't listen?
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:06 pm
essie14 wrote:
What does shana rishona have to do with this?


Im guessing OP means first year after high school.
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BaltoMom65




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:10 pm
He's under your roof, not paying any bills- op has every right to have expectations of her son. Least of all, that he treats his parents with respect.
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:14 pm
racheld6 wrote:
Hello need advice little help ,
My oldest son 19 came back from yeshiva in Israel ,
Home for a few days he’s been out late so when I ask when he’s coming back he responds with ״don’t wait up״
Sleeps in , disrespecting not only me but his dad !
Am I right to ask and be concerned or just let it be ,
He’s claiming wants to go back to Israel but I know all he wants is feedom and to chill won’t work or go to school to do anything he’s relying on the little cash he makes running errands for a neighbor ,
Do I just let him be or put my foot down ! He’s not my only child I have a full house and we both work full time l feel my post is all over the place but 😤,,,,


OP, if this is his first year after high school

1) He is too old for you to be keeping tabs on. At this age, the tighter you hold on, the more forcefully they try to break away.

The goal is a balanced, I as your parent have your back and hold the safety net for you to spread your wings and explore.

For some kids, spreading their wings means being lazy. Most of these quickly learn that is not a successful mehalach, but they need to experience that for themselves. Like if he just came home for pesach, I dont think you need to freak out.

How is he being disrespectful?
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:26 pm
amother Cognac wrote:
It's not disrespectful of him to tell you not to wait up for him. He's an adult, he doesn't need to tell you exactly where he is at all times.

I don’t even wait for my 14 or 17 year olds….can’t imagine waiting for my adult children.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:40 pm
racheld6 wrote:

He’s claiming wants to go back to Israel but I know all he wants is feedom and to chill won’t work or go to school to do anything he’s relying on the little cash he makes running errands for a neighbor ,
Do I just let him be or put my foot down ! He’s not my only child I have a full house and we both work full time l feel my post is all over the place but 😤,,,,

So let him move to Israel. Or does he expect for you pay for him to return? It's not clear to me from your post what he wants.
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joonabug




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 10:04 pm
let him be. hes a big boy. if you fight with him you might win the battle, but you will lose the war.
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amother
Butterscotch


 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 10:16 pm
essie14 wrote:
What does shana rishona have to do with this?


Probably means Shana Aleph
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racheld6




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 10:30 pm
amother Emerald wrote:
OP, if this is his first year after high school

1) He is too old for you to be keeping tabs on. At this age, the tighter you hold on, the more forcefully they try to break away.

The goal is a balanced, I as your parent have your back and hold the safety net for you to spread your wings and explore.

For some kids, spreading their wings means being lazy. Most of these quickly learn that is not a successful mehalach, but they need to experience that for themselves. Like if he just came home for pesach, I dont think you need to freak out.

How is he being disrespectful?


Yes first year after high school ,
I guess what I’m trying to ask is
Do I let him be ?
Or do I say sorry no can do you want chill go work and pay for it ?,
Bh big family with baby expenses he’s the oldest everyone else still in yeshiva’s ,
I’m one for let them spread their wings and fly as they say I’m just worried he’ll go or end with wrong ppl going down the wrong path .,,
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racheld6




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 10:34 pm
DrMom wrote:
So let him move to Israel. Or does he expect for you pay for him to return? It's not clear to me from your post what he wants.


He says he wants to go back I have no problem with that but he’s expecting us to support maybe ?,
I told him figure out what is it you want to do and by all means go live enjoy but there is a way to do things I guess I’m old school just asking how to do and what to do in todays day and age as they say ,
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racheld6




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 10:36 pm
amother Emerald wrote:
OP, if this is his first year after high school

1) He is too old for you to be keeping tabs on. At this age, the tighter you hold on, the more forcefully they try to break away.

The goal is a balanced, I as your parent have your back and hold the safety net for you to spread your wings and explore.

I guess this is what I’m trying to figure out as well how to balance ?
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racheld6




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 10:37 pm
amother Cognac wrote:
It's not disrespectful of him to tell you not to wait up for him. He's an adult, he doesn't need to tell you exactly where he is at all times.

I agree but staying out till 2,3 and then sleeping in till 12 should I be ok with that ?
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 10:40 pm
racheld6 wrote:
I agree but staying out till 2,3 and then sleeping in till 12 should I be ok with that ?


Should I be okay with the fact my grandparents don't keep shabbos? It's not okay but it's not my life and I have no control.

He knows you aren't happy, I mean you can't really do anything else.
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essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 10:40 pm
racheld6 wrote:
He says he wants to go back I have no problem with that but he’s expecting us to support maybe ?,
I told him figure out what is it you want to do and by all means go live enjoy but there is a way to do things I guess I’m old school just asking how to do and what to do in todays day and age as they say ,

They key word is maybe. You have no idea what he's thinking and he has no idea what you're thinking.
You need to have a discussion with him.
If you're not willing to financially support him you need to tell him that. In clear English. If you never told him what your expectations are of him how is he supposed to know?
Once he knows he has to support himself then he can live wherever he wants and do whatever he wants.
I don't understand how you never had this conversation.
I have 4 children over the age of 18. We had continuous discussions with them beginning when they were teens about what expectations we have of them and what they can expect from us.
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 07 2024, 10:52 pm
Maybe take DS out to eat and have a non confrontational encouraging conversation on what his future goals are and what's his plan to get there.

Be complimentary about DS strengths and express confidence.

Hatzlocha
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amother
Trillium


 

Post Mon, Apr 08 2024, 12:21 am
He's an adult. Keep the relationship, do what you can to make it positive and upbeat and supportive but don't let him walk all over you. Try to find a way to enjoy your time together, its a long term investment.
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amother
Quince


 

Post Mon, Apr 08 2024, 3:42 am
racheld6 wrote:
I agree but staying out till 2,3 and then sleeping in till 12 should I be ok with that ?

yes. just give him lots of love and support, hes obviosuly not doing so well emotionally. a happy person wouldnt do that.
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