I’m that broke…

amother

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 11:07 am

Hi,

This is really just a vent. If theres any NICE advice, I’ll take it. ANY criticism, please move on. I beg you. I cant take it right now.

My husband and I live in Israel on a kollel budget, some help from parents, and a paycheck from my job.
We are learning how to budget, and have been having a hard time figuring it out. We earn/get enough money that we should be fine monthly, but for some reason can’t figure it out. We have been spending on credit cards, but decided to stop using them, as we can’t keep within our budget.

We started using only debit and cash a few weeks ago.

After seder today, I was with my husband and I wanted to buy some lettuce for the house. We stopped off at the makolet. I remembered that our debit card bounced back and we have no money left in the account. I asked my husband if he had cash on him. Nope. He ran out. Me too. So we have nothing right now.

We have a total of $7,000 in savings that he said he’ll transfer to our account to use now. But I refuse.

I couldn’t afford lettuce. I need a grocery shopping soon, but I don’t have the money for it until next week when my bimonthly salary comes I (but honestly won’t really help much because it’ll all go to the past credit card payments that are long overdue).

Also, I booked a babysitter for tonight to go for dinner for rosh chodesh (especially at the end of a long winter zman).
My husband thinks we should keep the babysitter and go out for dinner, because all rosh chodesh expenses are paid. He wants to transfer money from the savings for this.
I cannot do that. I cancelled the babysitter an hour ago, I cannot take money out of savings to pay a babysitter to go out to eat.

I’ve been crying all day. I can’t believe we are here.

Also, I am friends with a wealthy crowd, come from a wealthy neighborhood, a wealthy family, and have only had wealthy circles. I get that’s why I am probably spending more than I should be, because I’m used to high standards. But its so hard to see other kollel couples all around me (my relatives and friends) who are living the high life, with lots of cleaning help, cars, expensive clothes, buying houses etc. when I really am not doing any of those things, and still can’t make it work.

Really just a vent, and I need help or kind advice Sad

amother

Lemonlime

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 11:19 am

It might be what you are used to. Going out to eat is so far from being a necessity. Maybe start talking to/hanging around people who grew up with less so you can understand where to budget?

If you want to enjoy yourselves after a long zman, a budget friendly idea would be to take the kids and go for a nice long stroll/shmooze in a beautiful park or other walking area. Buy a Danish, a coffee or even just a small juice, and just relax and enjoy.

Is there a way you can raise your income? What do you do for a living?

I'm sorry for the sad feelings. It's truly hard when you miss out. Chin up, and try to adjust. You have the opportunity now to make a slight but valuable mental shift.

Adding that it's truly a crime for young kollel couples to be living the "high life". It causes so many problems. Stay away from those people, and find better, more real friends.

amother

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 11:27 am

amother Peru wrote:

Kollel friends in israel with lots of cleaning help, cars and buying houses?!
I thought kollel couples live more simply there!
Aslo, hugs! Can you get ice cream as Rosh Chodesh treat instead of whole dinner out?

I can’t get a thing. No, not ice cream either. I have no money in the account. Not for an ice cream cone and definitely not a babysitter.

Also, yes many kollel couples live simply, but many are given their parents credit cards with no budgets at all.

amother

Marigold

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 11:27 am

amother OP wrote:

[quote="As an aside where are rosh chodesh expenses paid from??

Meaning they are free, Hashem takes care of them. Like Shabbos expenses. They fall under the same category. Whatever you spend to make it special is free according to many opinions. But ai just can’t have that bitachon right now, when we have no money.[/quote]

Truthfully I think that people sometimes use this as an excuse to spend excessively.

giftedmom

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 11:29 am

This might sound counterintuitive but:
I just want to say, props to your parents. Clearly they are giving you some money to live in but an amount that’s small enough for you to figure out what real life is before you get into a way, way bigger mess.
You’re young, your budget is comparatively small, you have time to figure this out. This is your rock bottom and your wake up call to start living within your means regardless of what others are doing.
And props to you. Clearly they raised you well if you stopped putting on credit cards and are keeping your savings where they belong.
They believe in you. They know you can do this, and you can.
Your friends that are living the high life? One day all of that money will dry up and they will find themselves with way bigger expenses and no idea how to cover them all.
Hatzlacha!

amother

Lemonlime

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 11:30 am

amother OP wrote:

Hugs! So grab some fruit and water from the house, and take a nice walk. When do you expect money to come in for your daily expenses, such as cooking dinner? Sounds like you need to work out a monthly budget.

amother

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 11:31 am

amother Lemonlime wrote:

I don’t have a dime to buy a danish right now. I don’t want to transfer from savings to buy anything unless we starve.
I can’t get a raise right now at my job. I have a pretty good job that is paying me nicely. Just not enough for a nearly sole breadwinner.

I happen to disagree on the bolded. It is not their responsibility to live below their means. They have the money to live a certain standard, and do not need to lower their standards so that I don’t feel bad. That’s my problem. But not trying to start an argument here.

watergirl

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 11:33 am

amother OP wrote:

I am so sorry you are in this position, so I am sending hugs and support.

Maybe it's time for you and your husband to discuss how long you are going to stay in kollel in Israel for at this point? If you are working and he is not, and you are in this place financially, is it time to come up with a more sustainable plan?

lamplighter

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 11:36 am

First of all hugs! Going to a store ad realizing that you cannot afford food is really hard. Im impressed by your fortitude around this. It is very hard to be different than your peers. I feel so sorry because it is hard to go from a wealthy lifestyle to a kollel lifestyle and that is the sacrifice. A kollel lifestyle isn't a free ride it's a sacrifice for Torah learning. Perhaps you can reframe your limitations with this zechus in mind.
Are there people who are living simply that you can spend more time with?
Stopping with the credit card is so impressive. Really wow. It's easy to just use it, same with savings. You can do this. Now what you need to do is have a very clear cut budget.
Answer honestly does your income cover your expenses? If it does not then you are going to just be running in circles again and again.
I don't think shabbos and rosh Chodesh expenses are supposed to be without any calculations, I think you reasonably spend more on those days to honor them. It's not an excuse for overspending. You can honor shabbos with a nice dessert or meat and rosh Chodesh with a coffee date.
If everything adds except shabbos and Yom tov get hadracha on what exactly is expected of you spending wise in this stage of life thats also in line with chazal.
If you are brave enough to post numbers maybe I can help?

amother

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 11:38 am

watergirl wrote:

No. We want him to be doing this forever if possible. Please don’t judge that or say harsh words. I knew that we would hit tight times at some point and have to figure out where to go from here. But we’ll get through it. Not just leave this life right when it starts to get hard.
I have enough money coming in that I should be able to cover my expenses, I just am not. The basics are EXACTLY what we get, but then there are some extras that add up.

I have to figure out how to cut back on groceries and utilities, but I’m having such a hard time knowing how to do that. I didnt know that lettuce was something people cut out! Just thinking about cutting back on food makes me cry.

Here in israel, most groceries don't have prices on all the items and I dont even know how much they cost till I'm at the counter.

watergirl

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 11:43 am

amother OP wrote:

I am in no way judging. I am not part of the yeshiva world and like I said, I was sending support. I was asking kindly if this is something to consider. You said you are both very committed, so all I can do is send my heartfelt bracha to both of you.

Chayalle is my favorite kollel life member on this forum, I hope she sees this thread. If not, consider reaching out to her via pm. She supported her husband in kollel for many years on her own and she is the first person I would ask for ideas.

Re: lettuce and other costly things, and again I do not live in Israel, but what I do to cut back is to buy the kind of lettuce and veg that I have to check myself. It saves a lot of money.

I have been there financially. We were in a place for a few years where I'd buy one drumstick per person for shabbos dinner and two slices of bologna per person for shabbos lunch. I TOTALLY understand looking for places to cut back.

amother

Dustypink

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 11:44 am

It seems hard, impossible. But you are taking the hit now, and things will get better. As opposed to your friends, who will probably need to learn these lessons later, when it’s harder to adapt.

We had a tough beginning to our marriage, financially, and even when the kids were little. We learned a lot of discipline and it got better and easier with time. We both work very hard. So you have the opportunity to think seriously about things now as well.