If you’re having guests, watch over your children

amother

↑ Poppy

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:51 pm

Of course teaching personal safety is vital, but it’s only one component, the other components are, being vigilant, know where your kids are, don’t leave them to their own devices without supervision etc

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:55 pm

amother Peachpuff wrote:

You said it happened after every seuda right? So my guess is if you would have felt safe to tell it would not have been a recurring thing.
And of course even once is too much, but maybe after telling someone they would have helped you deal with it then instead of you keeping it to yourself and letting it eat at you for years.

I’m pretty sure if after every seudah there would have been an adult present in the main areas of house he wouldnt have felt comfortable enough to tell me to go behind the shed with him

amother

Begonia

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

No I was never taught body safety, and I didn’t tell my mother because I was scared and embarrassed and my mother wasn’t the kind of person who encouraged open conversations but that’s besides the point

Thank you OP for the reminder! It's so so important! I'm sorry for your horrible experience.
I think the post above is the key to the solution.
An adult could have been up in the dining room and thinking kids are playing nicely in the shed. It wouldn't have prevented your awful experience. It's really hard to watch kids 100% of the time.

The PSA should be: reminder before you go away or have guests for pesach to speak to your children about body safety and open communication!!
Have a safe pesach!!

amother

Ultramarine

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 1:03 pm

OP I’m so sorry. And I think you’re right about not going to sleep for hours.
I’m told that the response by the authority figures (parents etc) to the molestation makes a bigger difference to whether there is lasting trauma than the incident itself.

↑ giftedmom ↓

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 1:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

Ok, so what if I was taught body safety and I did feel comfortable going to my mother after and telling her what happened, how does that help? He forced his hands onto me and touched me all over. I couldn’t stop him. So then I would go tell my mother after but the damage was already done

What the others said
It’s possible you wouldn’t have followed him to the shed. If you had it’s possible you would have protested and started screaming and telling him you’re going to tell your parents. Even if that wouldn’t have stopped him you would’ve told your parents right away, they would have comforted you and assured you that it wasn’t your fault. Ofcourse they wouldn’t addressed the situation and made sure it doesn’t happen again.

amother

Daisy

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 1:46 pm

Thank you for this important reminder, op. Never trust people fully. A rabbi in my community is serving a prison sentence for molesting the children of family friends who would come stay by him for YT. Everyone was shocked because he was so well liked and trusted. People need to remain vigilant no matter how well they think they know a family. Most molesters are not stereotypical creeps.

Rappel

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 1:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

Of course they need independence, but if you have guests at least the adults should take turns napping so someone is supervising the kids. Someone should be in charge of knowing where the kids are at all times

Agreed, and not just because of molestation. It's in order to be parents.

Thank you for this important PSA.

amother

Sunflower

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 3:12 pm

I'll be dlkz because the comments that a survivor is getting here are horrible. OP, thanks for the psa. And to all those saying that talking about body safety would have prevented it, that may be true (stats are varied based on a lot of factors, long story for another time, and google is free) And sure, an ounce of prevention is a pound of cure but the psa stands nevertheless. You really need both, body safety awareness AND a competent adult presence. May all our kids be safe.

amother

Brown

Mon, Apr 22 2024, 12:11 am

amother OP wrote:

I think this is more crucial than watching kids. Teach body safety, teach them they can tell you anything, and teach them what to do if someone is making them do something they don’t want to do.

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Apr 22 2024, 5:22 am

I wouldn't leave my 8 year old dd alone with a 12 year old male cousin, let alone a non-family member.

I imagine most people would agree.

amother

DarkCyan ↓

Mon, Apr 22 2024, 6:44 am

Another thing to pay attention to is the ages of children playing together. A 12 year old boy who plays with an 8 year old girl should raise a big red flag for anyone. Unfortunately I was also molested by a neighbor, and we had a similar age gap. Until today I'm flabbergasted that anyone thought it was normal for him to regularly show up at our house to play with me. In my case one of my parents did come check on us here and there but no way did that stop him.

↑ DrMom

Mon, Apr 22 2024, 6:51 am

amother OP wrote:

I didn’t mean parents should hover. I’m just saying you should know where your kids are at all times and check up on them. Going for an afternoon nap for hours with guests roaming your house is a bad idea

Yes, I agree that having loads of small kids roaming around a house with no adults awake is a bad idea.

Kinor Dovid

Mon, Apr 22 2024, 7:25 am

amother Sunflower wrote:

This is the smartest post I’ve read so far.
And this is what Magen Yeladim went around telling all the parents and kids in the schools of my community.
1. Educate your kids about body safety.
2. Every twenty minutes an adult should leave the table and check on all the kids. Even if they’re all cousins.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Apr 22 2024, 11:43 am

amother Cyclamen wrote:

Exactly. I feel like people think because it’s cousins or friends what can go wrong. It’s not only strangers that do bad things ..

amother

Hunter

Mon, Apr 22 2024, 3:55 pm

amother DarkCyan wrote:

That’s awful.
Why do you think it didn’t stop him? Do you think if there was more supervision it would have prevented him? (Like what if it’s two kids more similar ages so that’s not the red flag)
I’m sorry for what you and the others went through. ❤️

↑ giftedmom

Mon, Apr 22 2024, 4:42 pm

amother DarkCyan wrote:

100%
Even with same gender, and especially with boys. Ds made a new friend at some point who was 3 years older than him and we put a stop to it real fast.

amother

↑ DarkCyan

Wed, Apr 24 2024, 6:38 pm

amother Hunter wrote:

I mean, it stopped him for that moment, but then he went back to it. Because he was so much older he was very calculated and sneaky. There was always a real game set up that we were actually playing while he did his disgusting acts. So I guess nothing looked amiss to my parent. I think if my parents had been open about this topic I would have felt safe going to them the first time instead of letting it go on and on for months. But this wasn't something we discussed, so I never did. Also, the door to my room was usually mostly closed when he was there .If there was a rule about keeping the door open it would have been a deterrent too.