Is there a cut off?

amother

Tue, May 21 2024, 2:07 pm

My kids are now getting older and they stay up later. I'm an early bird and I go to sleep earlier or at least I like to.
I feel like I need a cut off time from parenting. I know I know I'm a horrible person but Im so drained from the constant neediness of my kids. I go into bed, I'm unwinding and my kids are knocking at my door for this or that.
Is it reasonable to have a time that I'm just no longer available at night? What's the earliest that can be?
I feel like a horrible mother but it's really too much for me. Some nights I'm getting out of bed 3 times to deal with kids, and I'm not discussing crying toddler.

imasinger

Tue, May 21 2024, 2:11 pm

What do you think is a reasonable time to let them know you are not to be disturbed?

Would it give them enough access to you earlier in the evening? Would you be comfortable giving them a half hour warning before you retire for the night, and after that, emergency only access?

mha3484

Tue, May 21 2024, 2:15 pm

I have a cut off time for sure. My mother did too I think its very important. It teaches my oldest to respect me. My oldest comes home from learning around 8:30-9 and on a normal night my youngers are asleep at that point. I chat with him for a little while he gets his computer time etc but I am basically off duty. The computer is in my room so depending on my need for actual space sometimes Ill be in the living room etc other times I will be in my room but doing my own thing but he knows not to ask for anything.

amother

Babypink

Tue, May 21 2024, 2:19 pm

It depends on so many things. For example I have a teen with mental health issues and I need to actually still put him to bed so I stay up until he is ready to go to bed.

But it needs to be clear to them.

amother

Tulip

Tue, May 21 2024, 2:20 pm

You can go to bed before your kids, but it needs to be at a reasonable hour. You need to be available to your older kids. My mom was in bed by 9 every night, she was never available for the older kids. When bed time was done with the younger kids, she'd clean the kitchen & go to bed. She was never around to chat with the older kids or help us when needed.
It is sometimes really hard for me to stay up late, but it's something we need to do as a parent. We need to give our undivided attention to the older kids. My kids love that time when I'm not busy with the younger kids & fully available for them.
I'm out till at least 10:00, usually 10:30.

amother

Ecru

Tue, May 21 2024, 2:44 pm

As people have said it depends on girl v boy (boys r home often later) and that U've given ample time for time together and also for chats and personal time should they need.
I'm in my room by 8.30 with door open and by about 9/ 9:30 my door is shut and I'm done. But I'm around full on from when they get home from school.

My kids know if there's big things to talk about don't bring it up after 8.30, then again they are home by 5 latest and are teens, so I find it reasonable
note they also go to sleep about 10 latest so it's not like they are hanging out alone for hrs etc.
My older post school kids stay up all hours but know I'm done by 9 (if urgent they will msg me to see if I'm up)
look at your kids ages and stages and see what works

amother

Ultramarine

Tue, May 21 2024, 2:51 pm

I have a cut off time and a quiet time. My kids have to be in their rooms at 9:45. They can do what they want and they can come out to get drinks or whatever they need, but then it’s back to their room. I need a quiet house for my sanity. It’s been working nicely for us.

amother

Tulip

Tue, May 21 2024, 2:57 pm

amother Ultramarine wrote:

Do you have teens? Young adults?

amother

Bellflower

Tue, May 21 2024, 3:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

I go to sleep before my teens sometimes, and also sometimes before my 12 year old (he likes to read forever) My kids don’t generally come to me once I’ve gone into my room, but if it was a constant thing I would for sure put a stop to it. Once I go up for the night, I’m done.
I think it depends what you’re dealing with. I’m not dealing with kids getting out of bed generally, but after 9:30/10:00 I’m really done.

amother

Tue, May 21 2024, 3:03 pm

I go into my room by 9 but I'd like to say cut off is at 10:00.
My oldest is 15 year old girl.
I'm around all evening but by 9 my kids are all upstairs, there's no being around upstairs. Should I be hanging around in the hallway?
My husband goes to sleep really early so I also struggle to give everyone their time.
My kids ask me what they should do about all kinds of random things, remember that they need things, ask me to remind them things.
They aren't really knocking on my door to chat. Probably because I've kept those visits pretty action based ("what do you need"?)

amother

Burlywood

Tue, May 21 2024, 3:47 pm

Yes. Mom goes off shift at 7. Dad's on deck till bedtime and after bedtime, may the odds be ever in your favor. I do homework and dinner when everyone comes in and once that is over, I'm available until 7 and then I retreat to take some me time (or finish working but ideally, not.) I fall asleep whenever and if someone needs something after I'm off shift, we'll decide together if this is a now issue or a tomorrow problem. If any of the kids want to hang with me, watch a movie together, play a video game, I'm into it. Otherwise, good luck. You've been fed, we've talked about your day in detail, we studied together and now I quit. Exceptions are obviously if anyone is sick or needs mom time (as opposed to dad time). I'm up for the family at 5.30am and my days are grueling. I can barely think by 7pm so that's my cutoff.

imasinger

Tue, May 21 2024, 6:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

Back in the dark ages, before everyone had cellphones, people in dorms used to have whiteboards on their doors for others to leave them messages. Would something like that help you?

Or a general alert -- "it's 9:00, so anyone who needs anything better talk to me in the next half hour, while I'm still available!"

salt

Wed, May 22 2024, 7:02 am

If my kids remember something they want to tell me after I've gone to sleep they leave me a note for the morning.
I always get up before them.
They always leave the notes hanging in a fixed place, so I know to look there.

eg.
please can you leave me an extra sandwich tomorrow as I finish late.
please can you sign the paper that I left you on the table.
please can you leave me out 25 shekels for a trip next week.
Mrs X called for you after you went to sleep.

salt

Wed, May 22 2024, 7:04 am

I would say the cut-off time is 1 hr after the last one comes home.
But I mean comes home for the first time.

eg. my DS comes home every evening at 9:30pm. So I wouldn't go to bed before 10:30pm. I would hang out with him till then. I would still shower and get ready for bed in that hour, but not disappear for the night.

But say my DD was home from school at 4pm, and then went out again from 8-10pm, I wouldn't stay up for an hour after her second home-coming.

amother

Wed, May 22 2024, 8:52 am

salt wrote:

How do you hang out and get ready for bed at the same time? My getting ready for bed is in my room.

amother

Tulip

Wed, May 22 2024, 8:59 am

amother Ultramarine wrote:

Teens

So teens aren't allowed out of their rooms after 9:45? And they're okay with that?
Why do you have such a rule?
My in laws didn't allow their kids out of their rooms after 9:30. This was a constant fight with the teens & it definitely put a strain in their relationship. I think it's pretty controlling. I think thwt teens should be allowed to sit on the couch or in the kitchen if they want to. Especially if they're older (16,17,18+), I don't think it's reasonable to banish them to their rooms.

salt

Wed, May 22 2024, 10:23 am

amother OP wrote:

How do you hang out and get ready for bed at the same time? My getting ready for bed is in my room.

Taking a shower and putting on pijamas takes me 10 mins. The rest of the time I'm in the lounge/kitchen, etc with whoever is awake.
I will come back out to the lounge with my pijamas on.