Aufruf or Shabbos Kallah

amother

Wed, May 22 2024, 9:25 am

Which one do you go to?

For a married couple from the Kallahs side.

The Aufruf and Shabbos Kallah are in different cities. All the men are invited to the aufruf (alone). For single men, ok, moving away for Shabbos is not a big deal. But the future BILs who have a wife and families?? They are given an option to let their husbands go away for Shabbos or go along...which means missing the Shabbos Kallah because Shabbos Kallah is "1 hour" and the aufruf would be a "whole shabbos" so since it's more time, they should go to the aufruf.

Not sure what is expected but this seems bizarre to me?? It's the Kallahs sisters, even if it's 1 hour, it's their time to show up for their sister! Why do they have to choose to be alone for Shabbos or bail on the Shabbos Kallah.

Also note. The couple will be moving to the boys city when they get married. So for some of the Kallahs sisters, this is the last shabbos they will reasonably be spending time together without lots of coordination or hosting (can't expect the new couple to host families/couples though...).

What is the mehalech?? Is it wrong for me to say absolutely skip the aufruf (it's the future BIL, not a brother!!) so all the wives/sisters from the Kallahs side can be at the Shabbos Kallah?

amother

Grape

Wed, May 22 2024, 9:35 am

why can't your husband go to the aufruf without you? I know it isn't comfortable to stay home alone for shabbos but why does he need to miss out on his future bil's aufruf? It's actually very common in my chassidish circles just to invite married men without their families if the aufruf is out of town. it's not like you belong there anyway, your mom and sisters are all staying home, why don't you stay with the kallah who's your sister?
Let him go and you stay here.
Just saying, when my sister got married, my husband, father and brothers went to the aufruf out of town and we girls moved into my mothers house for one last hurrah with the kallah.

amother

Grape

Wed, May 22 2024, 9:38 am

patzer wrote:

I know I'm in the minority here, so feel free to disagree. But....it seems really rude to invite a married person to a simcha and not invite their wife (or husband) as well. And this is doubly true when it's a Shabbos Simcha!

Some do invite couples on the kallah's side and some invite just the men. T
Why would the women on the kalla's side go OOT if the kallah and her mom stay home? No one says it's comfortable but that makes the most sense.

amother

Charcoal

Wed, May 22 2024, 9:49 am

amother OP wrote:

The sibling goes to their siblings event. Certainly a girl does not skip your sisters shobbos kallah to go to future bil aifruf.

For your dh, you and he need to decide what hes going to do. No obligation to go to chosson.

However, you may want to consider what the shobbos kallah is going to be like.

If 6 of the kallahs besties are coming for shobbos dh may not feel comfortable. I think thats why they bail and go to the aufruf. Or he just stays with you and leaves for the afyernoon and whenever theres singing.

If its a family shobbos, then more reason to stay and keep you company. Though if muchatonim are making a big bash you dh may not be wanting to miss!

amother

Wed, May 22 2024, 9:49 am

patzer wrote:

I don't think you're in the minority...or at least I agree with you! I didn't realize until today that the invite was husbands only unless the wife was being a "baby" and didn't want to give up her husband for a whole shabbos.

Like when has it become accepted for an AUFRUF to take this precedence??

amother

Ginger

Wed, May 22 2024, 10:10 am

Men go to afruf and women go to shabbos kallah. You can spend one shabbos apart, and in my circles shabbos kallahs are whole shabbos affairs where the girls sit around hanging out. Like one big sleepover. My DH wouldn’t go to that anyways

Also it’s really nice for the future BIL to feel like he’s accepted into the family and has supportive BILs who show up (and yes, an ufruf is a “bigger” event than shabbos kallah)

amother

Grape

Wed, May 22 2024, 10:12 am

amother OP wrote:

Seriously? You need to understand, just like shabbos kallah is the girl's last hurrah, aufruf is the chosson's last single (hopefully) shabbos. it's a big deal and I get why your DH wants to be there.
Whether he goes or not is between you and him, but the aufruf has always been an important part of the simcha.

amother

Charcoal

Wed, May 22 2024, 10:23 am

amother OP wrote:

Soooo most aufrufs Im familiar with are celebrated at a similar level or even higher as a shobbos bat mitzvah (as in families celebrate an aufruf with similar level events - if they cater bar mitzcah shobbos in a hall, they do the same for aufruf, similar "level" kiddush).

Thats a pretty big deal!!!

And not clear invite was to exclude the wife, but they probably assumed that the kallahs sister is not going to come to the aufruf!

ETA want to be clear, big or not, you certainly dont go and dh has no obligation.

gdgirl

Wed, May 22 2024, 10:23 am

I definitely understand the sisters wanting to be there for sister but the benefit of being at a future brother in law or son in laws aufruf is hearing all the wonderful things spoken about him which creates positive feeling as he enters the family--a benefit to the kallah as well so if even some brothers in law can go, it would be a positive thing for everyone.

mizle10

Wed, May 22 2024, 10:28 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m not understanding what you want? The husband should stay home so she can be by the shabbos kallah and they’re still together for Shabbos? Why can the go to the aufruf?

amother

Wed, May 22 2024, 10:40 am

amother Grape wrote:

My husband would if it is the thing to do and it would make a difference. He wouldn't be comfortable at all (the chosson is not his crowd at all). I hadn't heard of this and if it's fine either way, would prefer he stay home (it's terrible timing for us. We just moved and are going through some other chaotic medical things so we're looking forward to a grounding Shabbos, but again. He'd go if it was normal. Hence the question).

My sisters on the other hand...just trying to figure out what the actual mehalech is so we can all make decisions.

Also. Not a chassidish crowd. It's a Yeshivish one.

amother

Wed, May 22 2024, 10:42 am

mizle10 wrote:

I’m not understanding what you want? The husband should stay home so she can be by the shabbos kallah and they’re still together for Shabbos? Why can the go to the aufruf?

I don't understand your question. But I was just agreeing with the side-comment that it's kind of rude to invite a husband for a simcha without extending the invite to his wife especially when it's a full Shabbos (to not even offer it).

amother

Grape

Wed, May 22 2024, 10:45 am

amother OP wrote:

Anything makes sense. It's really what you're most comfortable doing, which based on the context provided I'm guessing you'll be most comfortable with both of you at home.
It's a personal decision, do what works best for you. But you can't really blame the other side for only inviting your DH

amother

Wed, May 22 2024, 10:48 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

DH and BILs all have family in local walking distance to the Shabbos Kallah. They will all be happy to visit their family or go learn when Kallahs friends are there.

Bailing and going to the aufruf when it's in the same town makes sense. This is for the aufruf being father away so the men would have to go for the whole shabbos.

amother

Wed, May 22 2024, 10:53 am

amother Grape wrote:

DH does NOT want to be there. He will go for kibud av since my father asked him if he wants to go. Asked my father if it's accepted or he's asking out of courtesy and he doesn't know.

I am mature enough to allow either way and just want more info to make the decisions. But it's also not a big deal from the other side. DH and most of my BILs don't know him at all. The aufruf is more for the chosson, his family, and his friends. I could be wrong but that's how it's been to my understanding.

I am asking more for my sisters who are being encouraged to skip the Shabbos Kallah and be set up farther away so their DHs can go to the aufruf. They are younger, in Shana Rishona, and pregnant so not as inclined to let their DHs just go away for the whole Shabbos if it can be avoided.

They are being told it's better they skip the Shabbos Kallah since it's "1 hr" (for sure underestimate).