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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Just Don't Ask
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:14 pm
There was a recent thread about a husband who was in an accident and people kept asking if she can sue. It got me thinking about all the things that bother me when people make small talk about things that are none of their business.
1. Don't ask if a new parent is making a pidyon haben - wait for them to offer the info.
2. Don't ask an 8th grader what high school she's going to unless you can help her get into one.
I could probably think of more ...
What about you.
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amother
Daphne


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:18 pm
amother OP wrote:
There was a recent thread about a husband who was in an accident and people kept asking if she can sue. It got me thinking about all the things that bother me when people make small talk about things that are none of their business.
1. Don't ask if a new parent is making a pidyon haben - wait for them to offer the info.
2. Don't ask an 8th grader what high school she's going to unless you can help her get into one.
I could probably think of more ...
What about you.

I had a thread few months back about pidyon haben because I had a miscarriage and was nervous people would ask. Turns out I had a boy but jokes on me cuz he was emergency c section so I had an answer to give. And yes people did ask

Don’t ask a 12th grader about seminary. I just saw this happen in a room of people and she had to say she didn’t get in anywhere yet
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amother
Peach


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:20 pm
I have so many differences and difficulties in my life that honestly I hate almost all questions. They make me so so uncomfortable and anxious. Because none of the answers make me look like I fit in and I so wish my life would fit in. I wish people wouldn't ask questions at all. Id feel so much safer.
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amother
Vanilla


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:21 pm
Don't ask what a 12th grader is doing next year if you don't know if she got accepted/rejected. If you yourself can't get her into seminary if the answer she gives you is negative, then don't ask.
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amother
Clematis


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:22 pm
1. College admissions, same issue as seminary
2. Exam results, especially high stakes exams like bar exam, medical boards, MCAT, LSAT.
3. Anything related to looking for a job, unless you have a concrete lead for them.
4. Potty training

I'm sure I can think of more.
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amother
Daisy


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:23 pm
Don't ask a SAHM mom why she's not working and don't ask a working mom why she's not a SAHM.
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amother
Buttercup


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:25 pm
amother Daphne wrote:
I had a thread few months back about pidyon haben because I had a miscarriage and was nervous people would ask. Turns out I had a boy but jokes on me cuz he was emergency c section so I had an answer to give. And yes people did ask

Don’t ask a 12th grader about seminary. I just saw this happen in a room of people and she had to say she didn’t get in anywhere yet

There is also the concept that not everyone goes to seminary!!! Surprised
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:26 pm
It might be easier to make a list of what's okay to ask.
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amother
Snow


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:27 pm
Basically dont talk at all.
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amother
Clematis


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:28 pm
Don't ask if someone is divorced or separated, unless you have a real reason to. Like, for example, if you are their accountant or estate attorney.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:31 pm
Where are you going for Yom tov
Then follow up with why don’t you go to family
And other random questions about how often you see your family
I actually hate being asked my maiden name but that I know I can’t except people not to ask. It’s just very unique and gives a lot away.
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amother
Buttercup


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:32 pm
Don’t ask a newlywed “How’s married life?” And don’t ask parents of newlyweds “So how’s your Couple doing?” Everyone who asks is expecting/ wants to hear wonderful news, but it just isn’t always so:(
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amother
Junglegreen


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:42 pm
When you see me in shul or at a simcha don’t ask where my husband is. Cuz I cannot tell you that he is home laying in bed depressed.
Just don’t ask. I will lie and say he had a business trip or something. And if it’s Shabbos I will just say he isn’t feeling well. And if you still see me alone next week, don’t say is he still not feeling well? Or something like again??
I stopped going to shul, which I loved to do, to avoid being seen. Let them think we’re away for Shabbos.
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:44 pm
amother Snow wrote:
Basically dont talk at all.


Hence I tend to run away from people I see...and/or I just say "bh good" and walk away, even if it's not so, I like to think that iy"h it will be ok.
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amother
Hunter


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 3:57 pm
So it’s interesting
I read Sheryl sandberg’s book about her life after the sudden death of her husband at a young age. She spoke about how people never talked about it - it was the elephant in the room but she really did want meaningful connection
Recently I asked someone who used to work full time how she was enjoying being a sahm. She shared that she has an sn child - I didn’t know. Once she shared it made sense and I expressed my care and concern for her and we had an open conversation about her dc

I think if you’re a true friend and ready to hear hard answers and be a good friend then ask. If not, maybe try to find some innocent questions and take it from there.
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amother
Clematis


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 4:10 pm
amother Hunter wrote:

I think if you’re a true friend and ready to hear hard answers and be a good friend then ask. If not, maybe try to find some innocent questions and take it from there.

If you have a close relationship with someone, it is very different. I read this OP as being more broadly aimed. I know my close friends truly care about me. But a lot of people just like to yent.

Even for close friends whom have license to ask more sensitive questions, they shouldn't do so in front of a bunch of other people ideally, like at a Shabbos kiddush.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 4:13 pm
amother Daphne wrote:
I had a thread few months back about pidyon haben because I had a miscarriage and was nervous people would ask. Turns out I had a boy but jokes on me cuz he was emergency c section so I had an answer to give. And yes people did ask

Don’t ask a 12th grader about seminary. I just saw this happen in a room of people and she had to say she didn’t get in anywhere yet


I'm a bas levi so lucky me had an excuse if I needed one. In the end that was the sole reason we didn't make one.
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amother
Buttercup


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 4:13 pm
amother Wine wrote:
Where are you going for Yom tov
Then follow up with why don’t you go to family
And other random questions about how often you see your family
I actually hate being asked my maiden name but that I know I can’t except people not to ask. It’s just very unique and gives a lot away.

And maybe don’t ask parents of married kids who’s coming to them for yom tov. If there are hard feelings involved, it’ll only make people feel worse.
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amother
Hyacinth


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 4:16 pm
Can someone give suggestions what can be asked?

Sounds like we should only give each other a passing acknowledgement and nothing more.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Fri, May 24 2024, 4:17 pm
amother Hyacinth wrote:
Can someone give suggestions what can be asked?

Sounds like we should only give each other a passing acknowledgement and nothing more.


Maybe compliment instead of asking. It’s so nice to see you. Your baby looks so cute. I love your skirt.
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