Is this considered giving in to a tantrum??

ceetee

Fri, Aug 29 2008, 10:08 am

My 2.5 year old
likes to do everything herself
if I dear put on her shirt for her she frieks and makes me take it off
or if I put her in the bath she'll friek and scream till I take her out so she can do it alone
or if I change her diaper on my bed and she wants it to be on my husbands bed again she will scream till she gets her way
This morning I gave her a regular spoon she wanted a plastic spoon so of course she started screaming...

Usually what I do is I tell her " no reason to scream , stop crying and ....."

is it bad to give in to these thing
when I remember I try to give her choices. Ex . who should put on the shirt me or you?
which spoon?.........

chavs

Fri, Aug 29 2008, 10:33 am

I dont think thats giving in as much as taking her feelings into consideration. Try to remember to give her choices and when you forget do it her way. There will be plenty of times when you cant do it her way b/c it might be dangerous or other reasons, and there is no reason to have a battle all day and no reason to have to say no all day as well, as they say pick your battles.

montrealmommy

Fri, Aug 29 2008, 2:22 pm

my 2 yr old is very much like that - and I give you credit - I am not as nice with her (in this respect) - what I have begun doing is acknowledging her independence that made her calmer, ex. before getting her dressed I would give her her clothes and show her all the things she can do herself (put it over her head, etc...). when I stopped fighting her it becvame easier. Also, when I have to get things done that involve her in a timely manner, I tell her "ok, you can do it yourself, mommy is going to make breakfast" and then ,eave the room and call her when it is ready. Or "ok, and remember that we have to leave when the timer beeps - so if you are not ready, mommy will be leaving anyway. If you want my help to be ready let me know" - I've only put my shoes on 'to leave' once - ever since she either does it promptly or asks for help - but either way, it is her choice how she wants to proceed and I find that really helps calm the situation.

ShakleeMom

Fri, Aug 29 2008, 2:53 pm

when mine does this shtick, I stay calm. that's one. Then, I calmly say, "in our house we speak with a word, not with screaming. Mommy doesn't know what you are saying. tell me slowly what you want."

but if the problem is that she always wants something else, then make rules. tell her the rule sin advance and stick to it for two days. Then she'll get it.

Example: At breakfast we have the blue sippy cup and a plastic spoon. For supper with the chicken we have the green cup with a real spoon. Stick to it. You can do it. Just repeat yourself. For supper it is a green cup with a real spoon.

PinkandYellow

Sat, Aug 30 2008, 1:15 pm

I think most important is that even if you 'give in' you shouldn't allow her to get away with tantrum. so for ex, when she starts to kick and scream, if its not an issue that you mind giving in, tell her 'if you want something you need to say it with words not screaming' and when she says it you give it to her, and if you don't want to you say 'you asked that now so nicely but now we are changing your diaper on mommy's bed'. with my son, if I give him a plastic spponand he wants real I tell him he needs to stop crying (he doesn't really scream he just gets hysterical crying) and when he does I tell him do you want a real spoon, ok, here it is.

chavs

Sat, Aug 30 2008, 1:50 pm

clearly when she screams, tell her to use words, or ask her if you can help her, or ask her why she is screaming. Let her know that you dont understand her when she screams. It will take a long time andis very two year old behaviour, but when she manages to let you know that she wanted to get into the car by herself/move her own cup/pick her own spoon etc etc, praise her for using words and let her do it her way unless as I said if its dangerous, and you can say "I know you really want to hold the knife, but its dangerous, would you like a spoon instead?" if she doesnt, empathise with her.
As I said I think that if its a task that she can do by herself I dont see a reason to not let her do it.
"Giving in" in my book means if you have said, "no more candy" and she tantrums and you give her more or something similar to that.

happymom

Sat, Aug 30 2008, 9:30 pm

of course theres nothing wrong. the only thing is as a parent we teach our kids how to speak when they want something. so for example you can say, "ok, so say Mommy can I please have the other spoon..." we dont need to yell....

what is wrong with what you did? its like if you ask your husband for jelly bean and he gives you a red one, and you say, thanks but Id like the yellos....

kids are allowed to have feelings, and preferences. we just need to teach them how to say things in a repectful way even when things dont go their way, because they arent born knowing.

happymom

Sat, Aug 30 2008, 9:34 pm

Usually what I do is I tell her " no reason to scream , stop crying and ....."

telling a child not to cry actually makes them cry more. its like if you were really really upset and your husband told you, "please, its not a big deal, stop crying now!"

to kids, little things bother them because they are little people, but they are just as big problems to them as our problems are to us. and in 20 years from now, they things that bother us now will be nothing, because we (hopefully) will have grown....

so I think its important we dont make them feel like thier feelings dont count.

chavs

Sun, Aug 31 2008, 7:53 am

I find that its not neccesarily a matter of teaching a child (at least my ds) how to ask as opposed to helping him learn that he can tell us in words, or use his voice, I find that a lot of tantrums are b/c he couldnt express his wants, after that the way we taught him to be polite is by always being polte ourselfes both to eachother and him, and telling him that when he asks in a nice voice and say please we are happy and want to say yes, we also rolled played and when he said please we said wow you are asking very nicely! yes you may have x, thank you for asking or something similarly. We did the role playing etc when he was in a good mood.

ceetee

Mon, Sep 01 2008, 6:40 pm

CHANY115

Mon, Sep 01 2008, 6:46 pm

my 21 month old doesnt want to go back into the carriage in the streets and im forced to hold her while pushing her empty carriage. I leave her and go and she comes along and holds me on by my feet and doesnt let me walk so I have to give in to her tantrums.

chavs

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 12:53 am

chany115

the way I see it you can do one of two things

1) you can get a baby carrier that that you can use on your back so you'll have your handsfree and you'll save your back

check these out: http://www.peppermint.com/

or

2) or you can bend down to her and say, mummy cant carry you b/c I need to push the buggy, but I can give you a big hug (then hug her) and if possible her the choice to walk or sit in the buggy

happymom

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 4:44 am

the only problem it happens very often she likes to have everything a certain way
todays ex. - I put on one shoe and she got all upset she wanted the other shoe on first
or we were cleaning up her toys and I put something away so she started screaming she wanted to put it away.........
I have plenty of more examples

there are ways to help her not get so heated up about it by validating her feelings and making her feel she can feel the way she does, at the same time not alywas possible for her to have her way.

for examole "oh you wanted to put away that toy?" ok, what other toy do you see that we can put away... lets have a race and see who can put away another toy.....

or u can tickle her for a sec and say whos my big helper... to change the sunject... or talk about something fun you are soon gonna do.. like guess where we are going soon!

if its for the shoe.. u can say, "oh you like when I put on the other shoe first? would you like mommy to put on the other shoe first next time etc...

unless u have time and u dont mind switching shoes (once of course if its over again then its not a choice but there are ways to change the subject.... usually I find kids do this when they are upset or tired ....

ceetee

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 12:15 pm

Happy mom - I m enjoying ur advice

True a lot of times it happens when she is tired and when she's tired its definitely worse
but it also happens plenty when she is not tired
I was making her pizza and cheeze she wanted to put on the ketchup I tell her to say it calmly and then she can do it .that usually works, but the question is its litterally all day with everything it seems that she davka does the opposite of what I want,
today I took out a plate she started screaming she wanted to take it out so I told her "calm down.... say it nicely " and she does but its just crazy she likes to do everything

Another thing im dealing with rite now she has to decide what to wear what shoes what socks what shirt and what pajamas.....

happymom

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 6:30 pm

they dont say things in a screaming voice on purpose. its very very hard to say things calmly when you are upset, tired, or misunderstood. it takes alot of time, patience and pracitice on both sides for them to get there.

I remember days where the whole day everything my daughter said we went over it the right way. for example "give me orange Jews" and Id day "please can I have some oj mommy" and shed right away say that... now it comes naturally bh......

they arent born knowing the right thing. also, they learn most from us so the way we react when upset and talk to them when we dont like something is most important here bec thats what they learn from, what they see us do and say.

challi

Mon, Sep 08 2008, 6:41 am

Ifi know my 2.5 yr old is tired, hungry, wet, dirty, or anything else tha could cause her to be out of character I try not to argue because I know its already a lost battle, there no rationalizing with her. Otherwise I DO frequently ask her to calm down and ask in a nice way for what she wants, and then mommy can accomidate her. It usually works pretty well.