keeping ds at home instead of nursery

chavs

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 3:28 pm

I am not sure how to start this so I guess I'll do it chronologically.
Last year ds went to nursery when he had just turned two because of personal circumstances. This was not ideal, and not how I wanted and imagined things to be when I imagined myself having children. I saw myself at home with them till they were 5.
Alas it was not to be. B-H he only expressed enthusiasm in going, although he was very quite when he was there, and they told me at the end of the year that he was "coming out of his shell" and "finding his voice" (meaning talk with them), they told me he had been very shy, even though I had asked them a few times a week if he was happy, playing, confident, and they always said yes. I didnt think he was ready to go at the time and stil dont think he was.
At home he is incredibly outgoing, funny, confident, chutzpahdik, makes jokes, when we are with other children together he is a leader.
This nursery wasnt our first choice either as it wasnt frum, the parents were not only frum but very english, well to do ppl, and the teachers weret the most caring so to speak, they were kind but it wasnt my style.

He is supposed to start in a new nursery, that both dh and I are happy in terms of everything, except I still dont think he is ready.
Here are my reasons:
A gut feeling
He told me, he likes being home with mummy and doesnt like nursery.
He is really shy when we go to play groups (which we did once a week during the summer, there is a local one). He told me last time we went: "mummy I shy" when I asked him why, he said I shy of lots of ppl"
To me it seems that if he is shy maybe he doesnt have as much confidence as he could have and being at home might then be good.

I have really enjoyed having him home, but and there is a but, here they are in a list:

I dont drive and besides seeing my friend about once a week who has a two year old
and going toa local playgroup where the oldest child besides him is 2 he wouldnt see any other children. I thought of child minding, but all and I mean all children start nursery when they trun two, and the kids I could childmind would then be oldest two.

The second but is that we have a tv and I am not very disciplined when it comes to not letting him watch all day. The programmes are all geared towards his age and are about the world and generally nice things and nothing I am against, but I still know it isnt great.
He started watching tv when I was depressed and wehn he was in nursery in the mornings and he woke up after his nap, I figured that he had had an active day and a little downtime would be ok. When he finished nursery and the holidays began I figured that it was holiday time and on days when we didnt go out because of yukky weather it was fine, so he is still used to it, I sit with my arm around him, while I go online filling my head so as not to have my brain melt from boredom,while I hold dd, or I cook, clean or whateever. I do have him help me bake and we also do arts and crafts together I clearly also play with him, and he also plays by himself but the majority of time he watches tv.

As I said when its nice weather we go out, we have gone shopping, to the park, to a friend, or just walking.

I know myself and I dont have the self discipline to not put the tv on when he wants it on, cuz he still only plays by himself a small amouint of time and relys on me to play with him or the tv to entertain him the mahority of the time.
I have no issue to do a fe warts and crafts with him, have him help me in the house go out to the park on nice days, and play with him, but the tv will be on for a good few hours.

Anothe rthing is that he is outgrowing his nap and I am relying on it still for a bit of me time, I suppose I could get around that somehow though.

With all of this in mind do you think keeping him at home would be bad?

tia

please dont be to harsh on me, I know tv is bad but until now I have had to survive any way I could, I feel horrible abpout it, and if he starts nursery I think I would eliminate it, but if he would nbe at home all day, I dont know howI would entertain him on days when we cant go out without it (also for me)

btw an afterthought

It feels right

I think that I might be able to substitute tv with jewish dvd's

I myself always wished that I was homeschooled and I always imagined doing this even with older kids.

I think that in England ding it longer would be detrimental to my childrens sociqallife as tother parents and thus their children would think that we would not only be odd but also crazy, anyways, Iam not sure why adding this is important but there you go.

As I am thinking more about it the idea of having him home is nice.

At the end of his school year I was scared of how I would cope but I have really had a nice time with him.

To all the english ppl, I do not wish to cause offence with all the above statements about english ppl, but I am not english and its very different to the culture I am moe familiar with, if I have offended anyone I am truly sorry.

cubbie

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 4:06 pm

I'm very confused by your post, one the one hand you're thinking about keeping him home and homeschooling and on the otherhand you say that if he is home all day you can't not let him watch tv the majority of the day because you can't say no and you would go crazy. Keeping a kid home to watch tv all day is not anywhere close to homeschooling.

chavs

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 4:15 pm

sorry

in points

during the holidays he has been watching a lot of tv when the weather was yukky and we couldnt go out and when we were arts and crafted out

ds is not ready for nursery that is at least my gut feeling

I wouldnt go crazy I am pretty sure I didnt say that. I was wondering how hard it would be when he doesnt nap anymore.

I feel right about keeping him at home but I am unsure if the -'s would outweight the +'s what other ppls opinions or more specific other ppl's advice would be.

Ds turned 3 about 2 weeks ago and I wouldnt call keeping him at home homeschooling at this age

GetReal

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 4:21 pm

From reading what you write, it sounds like the best thing would be to send him to nursery.

mamacita

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 4:37 pm

I'd say go with your gut because as a loving, caring mommy, you generally know best! I know it's complicated, maybe you could find a group/gan that doesn't meet everyday or is less hours? Then you could minimize the downsides and keep the pluses.

Motek

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 4:50 pm

chavs wrote:

ds is not ready for nursery that is at least my gut feeling

Then don't send him.

And think about ways to get around the few problems you mentioned. If you really want to make it optimal, you will!

Raisin

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 4:55 pm

When does he start school? I think its good for a kid to get used to a school setting, but if he is not starting for another 2 years, you can send him next year to nursery.

chavs

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 4:57 pm

mamacita
thank you. I have been thinking about it all day (and the day before etc lol), on Wednesday there is a local rhyme time we can go to and thursday there is a local play group both I should be able to go to.
I also thought that maybe I should childmind, then I wouldnt put the tv on, ds would have a play mate (although he isnt great at sharing I hope he would get used to it), and I might make some money which we could use.

I have also ordered some more jewish dvds so if he will stay at home he will have to get used to them and because he wouldnt have as many hopefully he'll play more. I've loads of arts and crafts materials and I've got lots of experience teaching pre-K.

so tv would actually be less of an issue.

I feel like I need to defend myself, ds watched a lot of tv because I was severly depressed and I couldnt cope, dh was home a lot a friend helped a lot but when they couldnt the tv helped. I am b-h not depressed anymore but breaking the habit is hard and one I am trying to break so I'd appreciate if this wont turn into a "oh my g-dness, tv is bad" I know that already and believ me with depression comes a fair share of guilt and I frankly dont need more of it.

All I am asking for is your opinions on the question:- Which is better - sending a 3 year old to nursery when I don't think he's ready (based primarily on my gut feeling) although he went last year; or keeping him at home with his mother and probably one or more playmates when there is a chance that he'll spend some of the day in front of the tv watching a dvd or two?

ora_43

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 5:06 pm

chavs wrote:

All I am asking for is your opinions on the question:- Which is better - sending a 3 year old to nursery when I don't think he's ready (based primarily on my gut feeling) although he went last year; or keeping him at home with his mother and probably one or more playmates when there is a chance that he'll spend some of the day in front of the tv watching a dvd or two?

If he'd only be spending a small part of the day watching a couple of dvds I would say definitely keep him home if you think he's not ready for daycare.

If it's most of the day that he'd be watching tv it's a harder decision. It sounds like you had excellent reasons for letting him watch, and did the best you could, but if there is no way to have him home without letting him watch tv for several hours each day it might be good to have him in daycare at least part time. Is there any way you could keep him home with you and, if you realized he was watching too much tv, find him a part-time daycare setting or a babysitter for just a couple hours a day?

Also, could you do playdates in the afternoon or at night, when other kids are home from daycare? That might take the pressure off on having to find enough activities to fill an entire day. Maybe you could offer post-daycare babysitting in the afternoon or evening?

mamacita

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 6:02 pm

My SIL might have more ideas as she lives in your area and has a dd your ds's age. I can ask for activities if you'd like! Smile

zigi

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 6:05 pm

with ds we also watched a lot of tv. I wasn't able to able to deal with ds right away. he watched a lot of tv. I had to drag him away from it. he would sit there glued. with a dvd you knew it lasted 40 min or so and then you had to switch it or do something else.

the shows that ds watched were educational and he did learn a lot. but he was addicted and I had to force him away from the tv to play and do something else.
with my other kids they watch for a little and then run off and play on there own.

if your son is only watching and hour or 2 of tv then do what you feel is best, if he has an addiction, gets really grouchy and doesn't want to go and play then its better to do part time preschool.

chavs

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 6:56 pm

we dont really have the option of part time preschool, they dont have that and he has recently become very clingy and insecure in social situations with a lot of ppl, which is why I think he is better of at the moment being low key with me.

He only ever watched educational programmes, but he did used to get majorly grumpy if I turned of the tv and didnt provide a acceptable alternative. Sometimes the acceptable alternative for him would be baking, sometimes going to the park sometimes playing with him. Now he is very happy not to watch tv, if and its and if I entertain him by taking him to someone to play, paint go outside, play with him etc but he doesnt really ever play by himself. He needs someone to play with him. Every now and then he plays by himself but its rare. The thing is I cant play with him 24/7 I also have to put dd down for a nap, make supper or something else and then I usually put on the tv.
Do kids at his age generally know how to play by themselves? How does one go about teachim a child to do this? or helping him rather?

chavs

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 6:59 pm

Mamacita thank you! Your sil is actually quite far away from where I live, it would be great if you could ask her for ideas though.

zigi

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 7:06 pm

leave out some special toys that he can play with himself. give starting pointers like can you build a town? or a house start helping and then go do something else. encourage creative use of things and free thinking.

chavs

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 7:20 pm

I have done that, I start him of and then say I am gonna go to the kitchen (or whatever it is) he, then proceeds to follow me, saying mummy pay me (mummy play with me), or mummy I need you pay me!!! if I say I'll come when xyz is done, he says I need tv! or proceeds to the living room where there will be silence and then I notice he is destroying something or has worked out how to reach the remote (which is always moved out of his reach), and he managed to turn on the tv and get whatever he wants to see on. There is also the third option of getting me to turn on the tv or paly with him so he wont wake up dd or hit her or in an attempt to be loving smother her.
I am trying to basically say, I have done and still try to start him of and its great when I am there but he will not play when I am not there.
thank you though

Helani

Sun, Sep 07 2008, 7:22 pm

I would also say keep him at home if you feel that is what he needs. and how about using TV/DVD ONLY when you need a break (like a nap or to give some attention to your dd)? Also, keep on working on letting him entertain himself-he should be able to learn how to keep himself busy for a while. If you can, try to let him socialize at least a time or two each week, just so he can keep working on his social skills with kids his age. and enjoy him, time flies fast.

chavs

Mon, Sep 08 2008, 11:53 am

Ok, here is a small update

Today we went out in the morning. We took the bus to a train that took us
to a soft play place for kids. We were home around 1:30 when ds had a nap to around 3:30. He watched a dvd an hour and has now been painting and playing since then.

I could definitly cut out tv and sustitute to limited dvd watching.

Now dh's concern is that he wouldnt see that many other kids his own age, at least not as often as if he was in nursery. He would propably meet kids around the age of 2 a few times a week for a few hours.
How does that sound? How important is it for a kid his age to see other kids his age reguarly if at all?

We asked the nursery and they were fine with him being picked up around lunch time though.

shayna82

Mon, Sep 08 2008, 11:59 am

my oldest was home until he was 3, then started nursery till 12:00

my second just started now in september, and he turned three in may. but he also was in camp as a transition.

invite kids over to play with him, once a week, and take him to the park to see other kids and thats all the "kid" enviornment he needs. dont worry about his social skills and all that. as long as he sees kids on a weekly basis, hes fine.