Huge dilemma re: DD's school

amother

Thu, Sep 11 2008, 7:07 pm

I live out-of-town. DD was going to go to our local high school which only had about 10 local girls + a few from other cities who dormed (maybe 4 or 5). In middle of the summer, we found out that another small high school from NY was going to merge with ours since they needed facilites - which we have - and they had girls and a good principal- which we could always use. At first this sounded like good news since it seemed we were going to benefit from a larger student body and a better administration. The problem is these girls turned out to be a group that was either expelled from other schools due to improper behavior or had issues that were too major for any other high school they attended. I don't know what to do now with DD since suddenly she's being exposed to issues and problems that our sheltered community never imagined. Now I'm in a situation where I have to consider sending my DD away from her own school but a) she doesn't want to go b) I wanted her home for at least 2 more years, but how do I make sure she doesn't become influenced and consider their behavior normal. She understands it's not, but how can she not find their conversations juicy and interesting. I'm so torn and very mad!! Anyone with advice?

Tefila

Thu, Sep 11 2008, 7:12 pm

Quote:

but a) she doesn't want to go

You know if it was my daughter I would definatley push for it even if only a trial base for 6 months. From experiance I have learned friends can really influence more then you will ever imagine Exclamation

amother

Thu, Sep 11 2008, 7:23 pm

That's exactly what frightens me. Other parents' feelings so far, is to regard this situation as an opportunity of kiruv for their daughters to positively influence them but in this day and age, I think that's dangerous, especially since our girls are in the minority now and what these other girls say and do sounds tintillating.

ShakleeMom

Thu, Sep 11 2008, 8:01 pm

My heart goes out to you, sorry, I can only offer hugs. I remember when I was 14 my parents wanted to send me off for my good and I flat out refused with as much chutzpah as I could muster I ended up staying. Going away would’ve been a dream for me. my SIL was physically shoved onto a plane, and she flourished after 2 weeks of crying into the phone. She never admitted she loved it while away, but she did.

amother

Thu, Sep 11 2008, 9:43 pm

DD just thinks it's not fair that she should have to leave since this is her school since she was in nursery and I have to admit that she's got a point but her school is no longer the school she grew up in. It's not fair but I don't think I can afford to choose to bury my head in the sand and pretend everything is fine and nothing's changed.

mummiedearest

Thu, Sep 11 2008, 9:49 pm

that sounds really tough. I agree with you, being a minority is not healthy. besides, parents should not put the pressure on their daughters to be mekarev other girls who are their peers. they will either be influenced by the others or develop a superiority complex. I really think it's dangerous for parents to tell their children that they are "better" in some way than their peers.

mumoo

Thu, Sep 11 2008, 10:27 pm

Whoever made the decision to merge, what do they say? If they didn't know of the situation, they should rescind their offer. If they did know they should have come up with a plan to 'protect' the girls who were already there. Have you spoken to them?

And as much as I feel terrible for the situation you are in, I can't help but feel for these girls and their parents, as well. Oy, what a hard place to be.

someoneoutthere

Thu, Sep 11 2008, 11:09 pm

I don't know the principal personally, but she is, from all reports (people who she used to work for/with and stdents), an amazing mechaneches. Why don't the local parents ask to meet with her?
I was kinda wondering what would happen when I heard the schools merged.

amother

Fri, Sep 12 2008, 11:18 am

It's true that she is a good macheneches but she has her agenda and is not alway local (she commutes). When this decision was made, we were not consulted or even met with. It was just a good financial choice. I feel for these girls too but, I don't think any of us realized what our dd were getting into.

alpidarkomama

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 11:59 am

amother wrote:

I think kiruv towards people with bad middos is definitely best left to adults who have life experience and age under their belt. It is a burden and a danger for teenagers to be in this position. I would pull my daughter out fast and just get private tutors for her. I don't want to send my own daughters away either. Ugh.

zigi

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 12:11 pm

I left my high school when girls were talking about doing things with boys. I guess it depends what the girls are into and what they did. I asked my parents if I could a boy friend. they said no. I went to a chassidishe school instead.

greenfire

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 12:24 pm

the world is made up of bad influences ... it is up to the person to make good choices in life for themselves ... wherever they may roam ... I think kids need their parents & own home first and foremost ...

costanza

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 12:34 pm

I don't know what to tell you. But I just want to add that I wouldn't underestimate the main influence in your daughter's life - you and your husband and your family and your home. While it is a decision you need to make, sending her away will not necessarily alleviate your worries. At least now you know she comes home to you and you can guide her through what she may face. I don't like the handing over of our young teenagers to schools. No one loves a child the way a perent does. And no one understands a child better than a parent does.

amother

Sun, Sep 14 2008, 2:23 pm

I find this so interesting. I was dying to get my daughter out of Bais Rivkah into this school because I feel the principal is excellent and really deals with real issues. The tuition was too much so she is still in Bais Rivkah, but I feel it is going to be an excellent school for the girls from NY , I think this merge was great for this NY school because of the facilities. It was heart wrenching for me not to send my daughter, yes the girls have issues but at least they're brought into the open and dealt with, as far as your daughter having to deal with these new influences, that really puts a new spin on it for me,it's a tough one......

amother

Mon, Sep 15 2008, 11:02 am

Thanks to all those who have recently responded. I was beginning to think this thread died and I was still stuck with my dilemma. I don't intend on sending dd away kicking and screaming. I just want her to realize their behavior is unacceptable, without , as someone mentioned above, feeling superior. I think for the first time, DD is facing girls who are from frum homes who are rebelling as opposed to girls from less observant homes who are learning or new to frumkeit - which she has dealt with growing up. I think there is a difference since our children are raised that it's not a choice if we are shomer shabbos or kashrus, it's how we live. Yet these girls decided one day to choose not to - that's the problem.

Motek

Tue, Sep 16 2008, 12:28 pm

Are any other parents concerned?

How about making an appointment to speak with whoever is in charge and raising your concerns and asking how they are going to deal with them?

You need to be vocal about this.

What assurances will you be getting from them? What will they think if you (several of you?) pull your daughters out of the school?

What are their rules? What if the girls break the rules?

greenfire

Tue, Sep 16 2008, 12:34 pm

amother wrote:

DD is facing girls who are from frum homes who are rebelling ... since our children are raised that it's not a choice if we are shomer shabbos or kashrus, it's how we live. Yet these girls decided one day to choose not to .

this is nothing new - frum teens rebel all the time ... it's how you deal with it that makes a difference in their future ... and how other people around them deal with it as well ...

amother

Fri, Sep 26 2008, 12:46 pm

Well like a shidduch, this merger was not bashert. Our original administration realized this was way over his head and way more than he expected to deal with and so it's over. The girls are gone and I'm glad my DD gets to stay home. I still feel that she was exposed to a whole world she never knew existed but hopefully that'll strengthen her since she saw first hand how out of hand things get when 1 thinks of "experimenting" or what would be so bad if I were to _________ just once. That would be the silver lining to this whole thing.