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How will baby come out - what to answer
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amother






Post  Tue, Dec 27 2005, 2:43 pm
I'm currently pregnant, B"H, and my boys (ages 14 to 8) have been asking how the baby will come out. I've heard it's good to say that Hashem made a special opening, but it certainly doesn't satisfy them, it's too vague. How should I answer them (especially the 14 year old)?
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DefyGravity




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Dec 27 2005, 2:46 pm
I think at 14 you can explain female and male reproductive systems to them. At that age they're old enough to understand, and I think it's good for them to be informed.

Question:
What would be negative about them having this knowledge?
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goldrose




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Dec 27 2005, 2:52 pm
well, I don't know the right answer. my mother always used to say 'the same way hashem puts it in, he takes it out' which doesnt answer how, and is only useful for little kids.

a friend's mother has twin boys ages 15, one of whom for years had been asking her the secret to this miracle. she always said "I dont know, the doctor does it" well, when her daughter (my friend) had a baby, he said to her "ok, now you were there when she had the baby, so tell me how it gets out" - the boy was at least 13 at this time. The answer she gave? "I dont know, the doctor made me leave the room!"

Well, if anyone comes up with a brilliant response, I'd be happy to hear it!
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DefyGravity




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Dec 27 2005, 2:59 pm
Just be straight with the teenager and tell him exactly how everything happens, or give him a book to read that deals with that subject.
I read a book on reproduction when I was around 7 years old. The book was published in the 50's, but was excellent because it was straightforward and extremely easy to understand. After reading that book, I was totally clear about the human body and how babies were made.
That specific book's probably out of print now, but I think that it might be a good idea to research different books and then give your son whatever book you feel comfortable with and then let him come to you if he has questions.
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SMG




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Dec 27 2005, 3:52 pm
I think a teenager can be told very clinically if that is how you prefer, but they need a straight answer at that age. If you don't give them the proper info at 14/15, they will get it from somewhere else and then you have no way of knowing how and what they're learning which can lead to all sorts of trouble. Perhaps the boy's rebbe can answer the question of you're not comfortable or can assist you in giving over the right information.
You don't want your teenagers thinking like my 2 1/2 yr old who is positive that Hashem is going to take the baby out of my belly button.
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raizy




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Dec 28 2005, 5:28 pm
or worse my kids think the operation has to take place through my I.v. line .. since I always have a I.v. for a few days after . bc of complication in all.. LOL

so when I went to my doc the other day my daghter came with and asked the doc if the operation is today.. I told her not today.....
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Motek




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Dec 28 2005, 5:51 pm
Quote:
I've heard it's good to say that Hashem made a special opening, but it certainly doesn't satisfy them, it's too vague.


I think it's a fine answer and you can add that getting into more detail about it is not tzniusdik.

you're NOT saying they're asking about the "facts of life" but how the baby comes out!

I definitely do not like the silly answers like the dr. knows but she doesn't Rolling Eyes
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amother






Post  Wed, Dec 28 2005, 9:01 pm
im b'h expecting my second baby now, and my 3 year old keeps on asking me how, the baby came in and how its gonna come out, he even told asks me if next time he could put it in, so I asked him how would he do that he said oh I would just put it in to your shirt.

what am I supposed to tell him then?

how do I explain this to him?
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SMG




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Dec 28 2005, 11:39 pm
amother, kids can seem very perceptive, but if he thinks that's how things work and he is okay with it, why not go with it for now? My almost 3 year old is the one who thinks the baby is going to come out of my belly button. He uses my belly button like a microphone to the baby and has tried to "change the baby's diaper" thru it. He also insists that he has a baby in his belly too. Of course, none of this is true, but at his age, he is comfortable with his ideas so I see no reason to get into it with him beyond what he's ready for. My 4 year old daughter is more perceptive and I am getting concerned about what will come next with her. We went to a close friend's chasunah last week, and on the way there she asked me what happens when the chasunah is over. I told her that everyone bentches and goes home to sleep. Next she asked me "Then does the baby start to grow?" Well, um, sort of... what do you tell a kid then? I just said it starts to grow when Hashem decides the mommy and totty are ready.
I panicked at first, but that seemed to work.
Maybe your 3 year old will do well if you put it all to Hashem. After all, it is a tznius and truthful answer.
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middy




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Dec 29 2005, 10:27 am
chilren whose parents lie to them, learn not to trust them. Also if they ask and are not given a satisfactory answer, they will try to find out elsewhere. My kids are k"ah 6 , 8, and 10, and for this reason we told them the truth when they asked. they got their answer and it never came up again.
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Mandy




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Dec 29 2005, 10:35 am
middy, I agree with you. I think it is appalling that parents are lying to their fifteen year old children. Most probably the teenage boy knows all about this already and is just wondering when his parents will get a clue and talk to him about this. When my four year old asked me where the baby comes out from, I told her from the v-agina. Apparently, the checker sensors v-agina also, so I have to use a hyphen other wise it gets changed to "private part". Anyway so what ? Motek, now that she knows that the special place has a special name, what will happen now ? Nothing. Nothing happened. She said : oh, okay.

If my parents gave me that baby talk about a special place or the idiocy that the doctor made me leave the room, I WOULD NEVER BELIEVE THEM ABOUT ANYTHING AGAIN.
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amother






Post  Thu, Dec 29 2005, 11:04 am
Original amother here, Thanks for all your answers. Motek, I most closely agree with your answer. You're right, they're not asking about how the baby came to be, only how it will come out. The problem with being explicitly clear with the 14 year old, is that he is at a very vulnerable stage, his hormones are seriously raging, he's discovering his own maturation. I think a clear explanation of the female anatomy will lead to no good at this point.
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Milk Munch




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Dec 29 2005, 11:09 am
I told my 4 yr. old son (when he asked) that a baby starts to grow when Hashem gives a brocho and that when the baby is ready to come out, there is a special hole in a private part of a mommys body that Hashem opens up for the baby to come out.
(Before I told him its in a private part, he thought a baby pops out of the mothers mouth LOL)
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Milk Munch




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Dec 29 2005, 11:10 am
I told my 4 yr. old son (when he asked) that a baby starts to grow when Hashem gives a brocho and that when the baby is ready to come out, there is a special hole in a private part of a mommys body that Hashem opens up for the baby to come out. That was a good answer and he's never asked again.
(Before I told him its in a private part, he thought a baby pops out of the mothers mouth LOL).
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amother






Post  Thu, Dec 29 2005, 11:24 am
I think it is extremely important for parents to be honest- but tznius with thier children. Children need to feel that they can go to their parents with ALL of their questions- and it is a parents job to create that atmosphere where the child is comfortable and knows that their parents are the best place to go and not the library, internet, and who knows where else. When parents don't answer, children not only get misinformation, but they also get the message from you that you are embarrased because it is something disgusting to talk about. If a child is asking about something it ussually means that they are ready to hear the answer, maybe they even heard something and want your opinion about it because they don't know how to deal with it- it is uncomfortable to have to talk about these things- but I think that it is just part of being the adult- it is you're job to guide your children.

It is very important to measure your words so that they are tznius but not to show any type of attitude that these topics are disgusting- that can send a very confusing message that will affect children. There is no need to go into further detail then they actually ask you about- for example, if they ask where the baby comes out, you can say- a private place- and don't go any further unless asked. If they push further- they need to know- or even already know but need guidance on how to veiw it. Children have a natural sense of tznius and curiousity at the same time- whey make them feel squirmy about natural things that Hashem created? You can tell them the answers to their questions and them just say these things are very private so it is not tznius to talk about them a lot. They understand a lot more than you think.
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ChavieK




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Dec 29 2005, 1:01 pm
I agree with amother, when a child asks they are ready for the answer.Mine (ages 21yrs to 8months) all asked at different ages(but all well before 15yrs ) the oldest asked at 3yrs old. Very direct questions deserve very direct answers.Special place didn't satisfy that child.It was said as simple fact and she was quite clear that this was "private" conversation.Only give the information that they are asking for. If they know they can always ask they will come back when they are ready.
Also about going to Rebbe. It is wonderful to have such a relationship with a Rebbe, but you are still the parent.
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DefyGravity




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Dec 29 2005, 1:09 pm
ChavieK, I completely agree with you, and am totally appalled at this statement:
Quote:
The problem with being explicitly clear with the 14 year old, is that he is at a very vulnerable stage, his hormones are seriously raging, he's discovering his own maturation. I think a clear explanation of the female anatomy will lead to no good at this point.


How is knowing how his system and a females system work going to affect "raging hormones"? If anything, he'll find the whole lesson completely disgusting. Hearing about a uteris and overies isn't exactly the hottest thing, and isn't going to make your son drool. It's not like your showing him pictures out of an explicite magazine. All you're showing him is a diagram of the female reproductive system, and explaining how it works.

As I said before, what harm can come from these adolescents knowing how their bodies work? Please tell me.
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amother






Post  Thu, Dec 29 2005, 2:16 pm
It's not a matter of explaining ovaries and uterus, but rather the v-gina. I would think that would be a very intriguing thought for this type of 14 year old.
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Motek




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Dec 29 2005, 9:57 pm
DefyGravity wrote:
All you're showing him is a diagram of the female reproductive system, and explaining how it works.


but why? he asked where the baby comes out, not how it is made
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stem




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Dec 29 2005, 10:11 pm
my BIL who was 9 at the time wouldn't stop asking me how the baby would come out. He thought the stomach explodes or something. If it were my child I would say the truth in tznius terms, but I had a feeling my MIL wouldn't appreciate it if she found out. In the end, I kept saying "ask mommy" and when he did, she said "oh, what are you thinking of such things... when your wife has a baby, you'll find out everything."
I don't doubt that he'll look for answers elsewhere after hearing that, but I didn't say anything Wink
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