what are mothers supposed to do on Yom Kippur??

gigi

Tue, Oct 07 2008, 12:54 pm

what is really our avoda on this day?
I have 2 small children and will be home with them all day. I will also be fasting, and it is likely I will be weak, tired, and have a headache.
so what am I supposed to do on YK? am I supposed to daven? or not?

I don't know what parts of the davening can be interrupted, so I feel like it's better not to daven at all, rather than interrupt talking to hashem in order to take care of my kids.
in my mind I feel like Yom kippur is a day where you are in the king's chamber talking directly to him.
but if you have the choice between going to the king, with your rowdy kids...( "excuse me, your Majesty one sec, NO you may not play with the gaurd's sword, Get of the table!!..)

I think it would be more appropriate not going to the king at all, rather than disrespect him like that.
and I kind of equate davening to an audience with the king.

so what is appropriate for this day?
how can I prevent from feeling guilty for not davening?
or should I really make every effort to daven no matter what the cost?
what does everyone else do??

Last edited by gigi on Tue, Oct 07 2008, 1:05 pm; edited 1 time in total

shalhevet

Tue, Oct 07 2008, 12:59 pm

It is very important to daven the vidui at least once, because this is part of teshuva that is the mitzva of the day. So try and daven the silent shmona esrei at least once, or ask your rav if you can't do that if it's okay just to say the vidui by itself (maybe when one child is asleep).

The regular davenning you could do with them - it only takes maybe 20 minutes for brochos, shema and between shema and shmona esrei.

You can interrupt any part. During shmona esrei you shouldn't talk, but you can move if you would be more distracted by not doing so.

gigi

Tue, Oct 07 2008, 1:02 pm

shalhevet wrote:

You can interrupt any part. During shmona esrei you shouldn't talk, but you can move if you would be more distracted by not doing so.

do you mean move, like walk around?
for example, is pausing allowed to let's say a give a child food, or take them out of bed?

Last edited by gigi on Tue, Oct 07 2008, 1:03 pm; edited 1 time in total

PinkandYellow

Tue, Oct 07 2008, 1:03 pm

just for your info: I looked this up last year cuz I had a newborn. you are allowed to nurse during any part of davening except shemone esrei. so this might help ppl out there. I know it did, me.

chavy

Tue, Oct 07 2008, 1:06 pm

u cud daven the kol nidrei part thats at night when ure kids are sleeping, so ure saying the videi part once, and then the next day try the basics, but I do find alot of ppl saying tehillim cuz its short perukim and u can jsut finish up and go to ure kids.. it isnt somehting very long to say and u can interupt...
good luck and have an easy fast

flowerpower

Tue, Oct 07 2008, 1:09 pm

I daven everything but leave out the things they say in shul of course and try to say the whole tehillim too. I am going to prepare the kids meals so they have healthy stuff in their body and bought some new playmobile so they can entertain for a little. If your kids nap you can daven then. The basics of each prayer is the most important.

shalhevet

Tue, Oct 07 2008, 1:25 pm

gigi wrote:

shalhevet wrote:

You can interrupt any part. During shmona esrei you shouldn't talk, but you can move if you would be more distracted by not doing so.

do you mean move, like walk around?
for example, is pausing allowed to let's say a give a child food, or take them out of bed?

If you really have to (like a child wakes up crying) you can, then go back to saying shmona esrei without talking. I also have moved into another room in the middle when a child 'produced' a dirty diaper. You can't hold a child while davenning shmona esrei.

mimivan

Tue, Oct 07 2008, 1:31 pm

On YK, I don't say maariv until the kids have gone to bed. I'd get up early before they do and daven...(these days, I need the sleep so I'll see how I manage). I plan to daven mincha when my 2 year old is napping. Neilah is just going to be a bit of a challenge (might be in shul depending on how I feel...there is a place to play where they won't disturb davening per the other thread)...

Gigi, I don't think Hashem, who gave us our children, is offended if we are dealing with our kids while davening (although Amidah does require you stand still...other things like tehillim etc...you can move around) I don't think one has to choose one or the other...but the kids do take priority. There is a story that the Alter Rebbe interrupted his YK davening to go help a young mother who needed help. So for sure we know what comes first, but I think it is possible, following the advice Shalhevet has given, to add the kedusha of davening to the kedusha of taking care of the kids.

gryp

Tue, Oct 07 2008, 1:42 pm

My game plan for YK is to expect nothing and be happy with what I get.
It's gonna be fun. Confused

My only idea is to let the kids make a mess and ignore it until I can do something about it.
I have little waterbottles for the kids so they can get their own drinks when they want without my help. Lunch is tuna and noodles. For dinner I'm thinking of letting them have cereal and milk, I'm sure they'll love that. When I need a short rest on the couch, I"ll let them bring their pillows and blankets to the floor of the living room and I announce rest time. When they're done resting about 10 seconds later, I tell them to bring books, toys, and games to their blanket and play quietly alone. I think I can get 15 minutes quiet time that way.

The funny thing is that now that my oldest is already five, I think YK will be much easier. He makes up pretend games and the others join in. I remember it used to be much harder to entertain him. So maybe it won't be so hard after all this year.

Whether or not I get to daven though, is another story. Last year I made sure to daven until Boruch She'amar before my husband left for shul and that really made a difference.

yersp

Tue, Oct 07 2008, 2:00 pm

I'm just going to let the day play itself out. As soon as my kids go to sleep YK at night, I'll be davening then. The shachris I might be able to also but more than that I dont think so. On RH I explained to my kids that I need to daven to Hashem to ask him to give us a good year so I may not be disturbed. As soon as they saw me finishing shemonie esra they already needed me. The rest of the day I spent saying tehillim. Thats probably what will end up happening on YK.
Gigi, thats a cute way to put the davening and I totally agree that that's how it feels like!!

octopus

Tue, Oct 07 2008, 5:37 pm

I understand this thread was about yom kippur in terms of davening, but I will add that I once listened to an aishaudio on this and part of a mother's avoda on y'k is to be calm and patient with her kids. And that is your avoda, too. And to do it happily.

gigi

Tue, Oct 07 2008, 5:40 pm

octopus wrote:

thanks I like that. Smile

ABC

Sat, Sep 26 2009, 2:59 pm

octopus wrote:

on the one hand I like that, as it relieves any pressure one might feel to get through the davening.

but in the other hand I don't like it, as it's very easy for YK to just feel like any other day in the year. I desperately want to connect to the day, and I really miss davening in shul the whole day with the kehilla. instead I'll be at home with the kids, doing more or less what iu do every other day, hungry. Sad

Inspired

Sat, Sep 26 2009, 3:26 pm

shalhevet wrote:

You can't hold a child while davenning shmona esrei.

Does that include wearing a baby? I never knew that. uh oh.

Ruchel

Sat, Sep 26 2009, 3:44 pm

Good question. For me it's so tiring and painful (nauseas, migraine and I don't mean head ache but MIGRAINE, etc) it's more of a physical thing than a spiritual one, and I feel like "who needs repenting when you're already in so much pain, it's a kappara". Sad, huh? Well for many women, especially mothers, it is that way. But it's better to stay in bed than to not fast, so it's like this. I'm going to shul Sunday night and I hope I'll be able to get up for neila/shofar.

Isramom8

Sat, Sep 26 2009, 3:50 pm

You can say certain tefilos, such as Shema, without saying the brachos before and after, so that you can interrupt between prayers. Sometimes we have to interrupt in the middle of a tefilah, to take care of children, who by some Frum Murphy's Law always need their Mommy's attention, like, as soon as she steps into Shemona Esrei. Even so, I heard that a mother should try to daven on Yom Kippur at least a little.

I will try to find and post an article I translated from the Hebrew, about a mother who can't get to shul on the High Holidays.

Raisin

Sat, Sep 26 2009, 3:53 pm

Ruchel wrote:

you think it is bad having migraines and having to look after a baby all day? How about having to run a shul, including giving 3 drashos, all while suffering migraines?

Isramom8

Sat, Sep 26 2009, 3:54 pm

Here it is. I translated this from the Hebrew. If anyone knows who wrote the original in Hebrew, please let me know!

A Jewish Mother's Prayer

(English translation by Elana Horwitz - lightly edited)

Once again, he has arrived.

The streets don their holiday best; in the atmosphere clean air blows. Prayer books in hand, people hurry to shul. Today the nation of Israel proclaims the Creator of the world King.

Rosh Hashanah has arrived.

And she…

She has also arrived. That is, she has arrived on her balcony…one hand clutching a baby bottle of thin cereal, and in the other hand, her older child's favorite book Moishele Helps Neighbor Mrs. Nechama…

She sits on the balcony with her two little ones. The baby cries, she picks him up and hands him the bottle with cereal. Her three year old daughter waits impatiently for the story she was promised…

She opens the storybook and begins to read…

And suddenly finds herself far, far from Neighbor Mrs. Nechama and Moishele her little helper…

She sails back to Rosh Hashanah of…how many years ago was it?

Back then… those were awe-inspiring days …

Her Rosh Hashanah was a Rosh Hashanah: shul, prayers, pleas and heartfelt cries.

Rosh Hashanah of Back Then was a day of holiness felt in the air, in the atmosphere. A day of pampering from above, feeling so close to Hakadosh Baruch Hu…

Simply(?) Rosh Hashanah!

And now…

Now Rosh Hashanah had become a day of storybooks and stories, neighborhood walks and playgrounds, and anything that could possibly occupy cute, bored little children…

Now, instead of opening a machzor, she opens storybooks, and instead of going to shul, she goes to the park to push kids on swings – adorable kids that Hashem blessed her to raise.

She comforts a crying child, and cries inside, together with him…

No - chas veshalom, she is not complaining. She thanks Hashem for each and every child, and for the amazing zechus Hashem gave her, but-

She knows this is her place, this is the task the Creator gave her, and it is what Hashem expects of her.

She knows, but finds it difficult to internalize…

She davens to be able to "snatch" some davening time, before the baby wakes up, and in these few moments also manages to focus, at least minimally…

She imitates the baal tefilah's voice that she merited listening to for so many years.

She muses over the past, which seems very far away. She longs inside, "If I could hear only one passage of davening, feel perfumed by the scent, breathe the pure air, go to a place soaked with prayers…everything would look different", she is sure.

In the meantime, everything sure looks different. Comes Rosh Hashanah morning – the Day of Judgment!!! – and the scene in her mind replays itself.

She cries…today every one will pass like sheep before Hashem, and what about me??! Where am I?!

And suddenly…suddenly she hears a voice inside her.

Who is Rosh Hashanah for? Only people who sit in shuls and crowded yeshiva halls? Only for those who daven in organized minyanim? That can't be.

Rosh Hashanah is also for her. Hashem put her here, and here she is meant to be.

To be the best mother, to listen to her three year old's sweet story about…the new balls the teacher bought for the gan, and her birthday that's coming up soon (in just another six months), to read her stories from her favorite storybooks, and to hand her a Rosh Hashanah treat.

Maybe also to tell her about our Father in Heaven who is deciding everything today. Which new balls the gan will get, and what will happen at her birthday party in another six months…

Our children are pure, she thinks, and understand everything on their own level. Their wide eyes demand to know about it all.

And you – here – home – this is also a Heavenly decree. This is the most perfect task for you, Righteous Jewish Mother.

Without lambs, there can be no sheep. And these lambs need a shepherd. You – you! – were given this important job of bringing up the next generation.

Here and now.

The prayers of a Jewish mother may be small in quantity, but their value is great – who can measure?

Others are in shul, pleading and shouting, declaring holy and proclaiming Kingship, and their cries ascend to the heavens.

And here you are, sitting quietly, without noise, without fiery angels and holy heavenly beings.

"Only a still small voice is heard…"

And during this moment of prayer that you managed (through Hashem's great kindness) to find, you cry out and plead and proclaim Kingship.

And accept your role with love and joy. Yes! You will fulfill it with devotion, feeling that it is a holy mission. Here - specifically here.

They, in their great halls, plead and shout, and their cry ascends heavenward…but the gates are locked.

How can they be opened?

Your private prayer, accompanied by heartfelt tears, rises to heaven.

It rises as far as your dreams…

Your lonely prayer (between the bissli and the cereal) arrives, and all heavenly gates open before it.

The gates of tears are never locked, and your tears, Jewish Mother, open gates. And then…all the tefilos of Am Yisrael stream in like a never ending river and reach the kisei hakavod.

They reach the King of all kings.

On Yom Kippur too, when in shul people, like angels, are dressed in white, and the whole world is pure…

You continue to care faithfully for your children with compassion and love, to feed and build block towers, tell stories and listen patiently…and from time to time, daven…

Your task is like the task of the kohen gadol on Yom Kippur. Your prayer is like his prayer – short.

Your role in your home is truly a holy mission.

The nation of Israel depends on you. Its future is in your hands.

Continue raising the next generation,

Daven, hope, beg. For yourself, for your home, for the entire nation of Israel.

For yours is the power of prayer.

A Jewish mother's prayer -

She prays…to pray.

grin

Sat, Sep 26 2009, 3:57 pm

Isramom8 - Salut

Ruchel

Sat, Sep 26 2009, 4:02 pm

Raisin wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

you think it is bad having migraines and having to look after a baby all day? How about having to run a shul, including giving 3 drashos, all while suffering migraines?

First, not all people have migraines (bh). Second, not all get migraines from fasting - I get migraines even from not eating enough starch but it has no effect on my mom unless it's a real fast. Third, not everyone needs to run to bed because they cannot walk straight when they have a migraine, some are "just" in much pain.

If someone has what I have or worse, there is no way they would run or give anything.

I am not taking into account the daily meds someone with migraines takes (the preventive/long term treatment) and their effects on tiredness (depends on the meds again). But if your meds make you run around at 85 bp and you're a 5'10 and non skinny person, as my neurologist told me "you have all the right in the world to feel bad and say so".