GO 'WAY! | Imamother

NotInNJMommy

Tue, Dec 30 2008, 8:24 am

My 19 m.o. dd has in the past 2 weeks started saying "GO 'WAY!" (go away)

sometimes it makes sense, like I'll say, it's time for shluffy, etc. and she's say "GO 'WAY!" and run away.

But even the first time she said it, I just said, ok, byebye, and put her down (I was holding her, not putting her down for nap...I think she just got frustrated about something?). Of course, then she flipped. I tried telling her "GO 'WAY" means byebye and showing her, bc then I figured if she doesn't really want me to put her down and walk away, etc. then she'll stop saying it at least for that more common use she has found.

So on top of being just dreadfully annoying to hear her shrill voice saying "GO 'WAY!" to me, her mother.

I a)don't know where she got it to stop it
b)don't understand what she thinks it means (bc she obviously doesn't really get it)
c)didn' thave this problem with ds
d)am trying to demonstrate a consequence of it (ie. I put her down and walk away) and don't seem to be getting very far...

any ideas? I come home from work and want to hide from her.

zaq

Tue, Dec 30 2008, 9:14 am

NotInNJMommy wrote:

a)don't know where she got it to stop it
b)don't understand what she thinks it means (bc she obviously doesn't really get it)
c)didn' thave this problem with ds
d)am trying to demonstrate a consequence of it (ie. I put her down and walk away) and don't seem to be getting very far...

.

I could go into a pop-psych routine about how dd is angry at you for abandoning her every day when you go to work, and the transition when you come home is upsetting to her so she doesn't want to associate with you. But that would be of little value and is probably untrue, since dd isn't avoiding you, just using an expression you find distasteful. She's a year and a half, for goodness' sake. At that age, they're learning, exploring, discovering, experimenting. They go thru phases. They fall in and out of love with things, people--even the sounds of things.

a. knowing where she got it won't help you to stop it and therefore doesn't matter. kids always seem to tune in and pick up exactly what you'd rather they didn't. Maybe someone saw a bug and shooed it away with a muttered "Go away!" Maybe A was trying to entertain B while B was trying to accomplish some task, and the party of the second part pleaded, oh, go away, go away, if I don't stop laughing I'll never get this paperwork done. Or maybe B was telling A some preposterous story and an incredulous A responded "Oh, go away, that story's ridiculous." Haven't you ever heard anyone say "getouttahere" "get OUT!" "get out of town" as an expression of disbelief?

b. what she thinks it means is a mystery you may never solve. by the time she's old enough to explain, she will have forgotten. and anyway, she may just like the way it sounds and not be thinking about the meaning at all. It doesn't matter, anyway--before long she will have latched onto another pet phrase.

c. ds is not dd. each child is an individual; don't expect any child to be a duplicate or even a reasonable facsimile of an older sib. and why do you consider this a "problem"? you're insulted because as an adult you know this is an unfriendly expression, but you said yourself that apparently dd doesn't truly know what it means.

d. you seem to be doing exactly right, demo-ing that this expression causes you to depart. you may want to add a disapproving facial expression and tell her "it's not nice to tell Mommy to go away. That hurts my feelings." what's unrealistic is your expectation that dd will absorb the lesson in a heartbeat. you're expecting her to instantly self-cure a habit that she's developed. Give her time.

zaq

Tue, Dec 30 2008, 10:40 am

It wasn't mean--this is the sort of thing that pop-psych "experts" will tell you. Read carefully--I said it was probably untrue. I also didn't accuse you of abandoning your child--that's just how your dd could be interpreting it. She is, after all, a baby. But you also have to face the possibility that it could be true that that's how she feels. Sorry, honey, the truth is sometimes painful, but anger at and rejection of a parent is a very common and normal reaction to separation, and it's something every parent has to learn to cope with till their child gets used to the routine. If you didn't work, then you might not have this issue till you sent dd to preschool. But have it you would.

She'll survive, and so will you.

NotInNJMommy

Tue, Dec 30 2008, 10:48 am

She isn't rejecting me. She just says "Go 'WAY" and it doesn't mean go away.

I've been working since she was a baby, she has had a stable loving atmosphere and no life changes, dh and I are even around mroe than in the past few mos bc of some schedule changes.

Furthermore, I don't think she should be like ds, I was saying that since I never had this situation I had no experience to drawn on, to clarify.

I spend loads of time with her, there isn't more time, and she isn't feeling abandoned, she isn't rejecting me, just saying this really annoying rude statement when she is frustrated abotu something it seems, and it's my job as a mother to frame her middos and teach her derech eretz among other things.

I know I'll survive. I'm not about to cv"s do otherwise. I'm trying to find people who understand, and it doesn't erally seem that you do.

zaq

Tue, Dec 30 2008, 11:17 am

NotInNJMommy wrote:

saying this really annoying rude statement when she is frustrated abotu something it seems, .

well, there's your answer. She's telling the frustration or annoyance to go away. perfectly rational. it's only rude and annoying to you because you're an adult and associate it with rudeness.

I see a certain disturbing pattern that has emerged recently on this board:

First, an op introduces a problem/question
Next, she gets a response or responses based on the limited or not well articulated information she provided.
Then, she gets insulted and accuses responders of being mean, harsh, insensitive, unsympathetic, cruel and a host of other equally winsome adjectives.
Finally, she elaborates upon or clarifies her original post, which clarification puts the entire question into a different perspective and which would have elicited substantially different responses had it been posted in the first place.

Maybe posters with issues or questions would do well to not only spellcheck but also review their posts for accuracy and clarity before sending. Maybe compose first in word processing, let rest a while, then reread and make sure that not only are all the necessary facts being presented, but that the question that is being presented is in fact what the poster wants to know. If one wants only to vent frustration and one or two people to say "I hear you" let her say so. If she wants sympathy and love, not recommendations for action, let her say so. If she wants detailed instructions of the 'fold on the dotted line' type, let her say so, and if she wants only people who have had and licked the identical problem to tell her what worked for them, let her say so, too.

NotInNJMommy

Tue, Dec 30 2008, 11:31 am

I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as others. I will run this by my publisher's next time.

Please stop telling me how I feel. I'm not angry. I thought something you wrote was categorically mean. I saw something was misinterpreted and re-explained.

I think telling a working mother that she's abandoning her daugther is mean and doesn't help in most cases bc most working full time mothers can't just quit or change their schedules.

I think I had valid questions, like finding a source, trying to draw on experience, etc.

And I dont have a solution, like you think.

And, I shouldn't have to say this IMHO, but calling someone "honey" is condescending in this context.

"But even the first time she said it, I just said, ok, byebye, and put her down (I was holding her, not putting her down for nap...I think she just got frustrated about something?). Of course, then she flipped. I tried telling her "GO 'WAY" means byebye and showing her, bc then I figured if she doesn't really want me to put her down and walk away, etc. then she'll stop saying it at least for that more common use she has found. "

My quote above shows all the information zaq claimed I didn't give her re: frustration.

I see she is frustrated and I'm trying to guide her to use the right words (bc she's learning to speak) but I can't bc I don't know what she is trying to say.

You claimed I assumed many things I never assumed or implied. (Who thinks their children are the same anyways?)