Question about mother's helper!

amother

Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:14 am

So, I hired a really sweet girld to help me out in the afternoons 2-3 times a week for a few hours. She's great with the kids, plays with the little ones and helps the older kids with their homework.

The problem is when it comes to snacks and dinner. Don't get me wrong, I have NO PROBLEM feeding her, I'm just not sure what is appropriate.

Snacks: I only allow my kids certain snacks after school. Things that I feel will compliment their dinner, not ruin it. Cheese, fruit, veggies, milk. I don't allow juice after school because of the sugar. However, my mother's helper goes through the pantry and helps herself to whatever she wants (and things I don't want my kids having.) If she brought her own snack, fine. However, when the kids see her eating things I won't let them have, they become very whiny, and of course want it too.

Dinner: My mother's helper stays anywhere from the beginning of the kids' dinner through when they are finished. This all depends on how fast the routine is going on a particular evening. Regardless, it's always before 6 pm. She always asks if she can have dinner, too. I can't really say no, but it is starting to bother me. I don't eat with the kids, and the other day when I went in to get some, there was nothing of one thing left. I know how much my kids eat, and there was no way they ate it all! Yes, this could be solved by making more, but I'm not sure if I really HAVE to feed her dinner, too. If she were staying all evening that would be one thing, but she goes home right after or even during the kids' dinner. She even asks, "So, what's for dinner tonight?"

Please let me know what is appropriate in this situation! I'm not really sure.

bandcm

Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:19 am

How old is she?

Tamiri

Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:21 am

Could this be a nice person who really NEEDS your meal? You can negotiate with her regarding the dinner.

amother

Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:25 am

bandcm wrote:

How old is she?

Emee

Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:26 am

I think it depends on the situation. If this is a frum girl from the neighborhood coming over after school it's different than if you hired a non-jewish person. If it's a frum teenager she probably sees herself as part of the family.

Personally I have a girl who comes to help soemtimes and I don't really offer her dinner, usually she lives when the kids sit down to dinner.

I also have paid non-jewish help. She has the saychel to sneak cookies or whatever she wants to eat that she knows the kids are not allowed to have. She never eats in front of them.

Maybe you can tell this girl to either eat her snack before she comes or at some point in the evening when the kids are playing or otherwise occupied.

Aidelmom

Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:28 am

I think you should send her home before dinner if you don't want her to have any. After working hard all afternoon shes probably starving and its hard fo her to watch the kids eating while shes there. (especially if she's quite young)
About the snacks I would mention something to her in a tactful way (not when shes taking the snack)
Does she get lunch in school? or does she have enogh time to eat before she gets to you?

Emee

Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:29 am

we posted at the same time. A 14 yr old girl will see herslef more as part of the family and your kids will also see her in a more big sister role hence the "if she's having, I want too"

I think you shoudl speak to her and lay down soem rules
I also wouldn't allow her to help hersef to whatver is int he cupboard! Perhaps you can serve anck to everyoen and give her the same as the kids. I mean she is a kid herself!!

Raisin

Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:31 am

at that age as well she probably has no idea of the effort and cost of feeding her.

amother

Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:34 am

Aidelmom wrote:

I)
Does she get lunch in school? or does she have enogh time to eat before she gets to you?

OP here: She does have lunch in school She also stops at home between school and coming to my house

Tamiri

Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:37 am

With regards to the snacks, I think you should tell her: this is what you can have. Please don't take anything that I don't permit. Regarding dinner: have her leave before you serve. Say: it's time for you go now. A 14 yo may be clueless when it comes to social cues. You have to spell it out for her.

Aidelmom

Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:39 am

I wonder what kind of suppers her mother serves.

I feel guilty because I take food when I babysit (steady) She said it was ok .. but. Then I figured I'm getting paid so low and if I eat something I'll be in a better mood.

bandcm

Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:47 am

She is a kid herself.
You absolutely cannot serve supper without giving her any, so if you don't want to give her, send her home before supper. "Thanks so much, Rochel. You can go home now. I'll see you tomorrow."
About the snacks, your kids are probably really little, so you see her as a semi-adult, but she really is a child. Just tell her - no need for embarassment. "Rochel, you can't take cookies because my kids will get jealous and I don't want them having any. Have some crackers instead."

Pickle Lady

Thu, Mar 05 2009, 4:45 pm

Feed her dinner. whats the big deal?

shlomitsmum

Fri, Mar 06 2009, 7:09 pm

Feed her dinner ....but I would be embarrased If that was my DD who is 12!!....At 14 she should know you do not eat stuff unless the mum gives it to you,helping yourself to peoples pantry?? embarrassed

,just tell her to wait for dinner as the little ones are not allowd to snack ahead of time , or ask her mum if feeding her dinner is ok as her snacking alone conflicts with the little ones schedule ,that way you look respectful not stingy .... keep your snacks out of reach helps too!
maybe she will teach her the derech of snacking then ....LOL

Shopmiami49

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 6:02 am

I want to make a very important point here: It is HALACHA that you have to feed your babysitters. I myself was not aware of this halacha until I got married and began babysitting for a family with 5 kids while I was 7 months pregnant. The situation I was in was not very comfortable, as the mother took advantage of me. I ended up staying past when I was meant to, did more housework than the job description entailed, and did a lot of cooking...which is pretty hard to do while you're pregnant and not be able to eat! I had to make dinner for the kids and feed them. I was there all afternoon until about 7 pm. I would bring my own snacks, but it wasn't like having a meal. now, obviously, I was mature enough not to assume that I could eat their food along with the kids, but it still bothered me that the mother never offered my anything - especially after giving me extra strenuous work, etc. When I mentioned it to my dh, he told me that its a halacha that the employer has to provide food and drink for the worker.

Now, in your situation, you're dealing with merely a child who most probably does not have the maturity to understand that its not ok to invite herself for supper and eat your food. She probably has no idea what it means to live on a budget, nor what it means to make just enough food for family when you know the exact rations they eat. As other posters wrote, its not fair to feed your kids in front of her after she's been working hard the whole afternoon and then expect her not to eat. As far as the snacks go, in order not to embarress her or make her feel bad, maybe you can designate one shelf for her to help herself from. You can put all the snacks that you don't mind her taking on that one shelf, and if she questions this new practice, you can tell her kindly that you've been noticing that the kids get jealous since they are not allowed to have certain snacks at this time of day. For dinner, that's a decision that you will have to make: If you want her there during supper time to help out with your kids, then you should probably prepare some extra for her to have as well. It that doesn't sit well with you, for many reasons that it might not, then you should probably send her home before you feed your kids.

As a side point, I would like to add that there are MANY people out there who are completely clueless when it comes to babysitting and social ettiquite. I had seminary age girls babysitting at my house in Israel one night, and I came home to find my ENTIRE stash of granola bars from America totally finished. Not only that, but some bread that I had freshly baked and already divided up in Ziplocs for various people and occasions, was half gone. I was appalled, but I realized in retrospect that I had offered to them to feel comfortable helping themselves. If someone had offered that to me, I would've had a little more seichal and not done what they did. However, that's me and this was then. I learned my lesson and next time I had girls babysitting, I spelled out the rules. ("Here's the water and juice, here's some cookies and chips to nosh on if you want, you can use the American phone with the unlimited plan, but not the Israeli one.etc....)

Good luck!!

newatthis

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 6:28 am

I agree with everyone that you should a)tell her what is an acceptable snack for her (I.e. whatever the kids are having and b)to send her home before dinner but I think its a MUST to discuss this at a seperate time I.e. not when she is taking the snack and not to just say okay you can leave now. Sit down with her and discuss it and tell her you don't need her help during dinner anymore so she only has to stay until 5:30 but you think she is great with the kids

Seraph

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 6:36 am

Shopmiami, notice that this thread is more than a year old.
What you mentioned about needing to feed your worker- that is not 100% true. However, you're correct about needing to feed you. The halacha is that if you're working with food, your boss must allow you to eat that food. If you're working in a bagel place, you're halachically supposed to be allowed to eat as many bagels as you want- while on the job. This doesn't mean though being allowed to help yourself to any packaged items on the shelf.
This halacha is a derivative of the original halacha of allowing orchard workers to eat the fruit they're picking, while they're picking it.

Isramom8

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 7:28 am

I think that with a mother's helper, you can set the rules however you want, but you should be very clear about what they are.

If she stays when a meal is served, she should also be served. I've had to send food to my babysitting daughter because none was offered to her even though she was there before and after suppertime.

Frumom

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 9:55 am

I think if she is there during dinner time, especially if she is feeding the kids you should make enough to include her as well. Why not? If she takes too much then maybe give out portions on individual plates?

As far as her taking snacks in front of the kids that they can't have, that is wrong and you need to tell her that she should only take snacks that your kids can have too.

chocolate moose

Mon, Mar 08 2010, 10:27 am

You need rules. Sit down with her and give her the options. Not what she's doing up until now, though.