3 year old touching himself

hadasa

Fri, Apr 24 2009, 1:37 am

I agree with much of what she said, but not all. I agree that a parent should not freak out and yell "How can you do that! It's disgusting!" It is normal for a child to touch there, just as it's normal for a child to scribble on the walls, to tear books apart, to think it's funny to use bathroom words, and many other things that are inappropriate. And part of Chinuch is to train children not to do these things.

It's the modern Western mindset that seems to think that there's no middle road between giving "weird vibes" and "messing up s-xually" and saying that "everything's allowed in private, etc.". I believe there is a middle road. It's called Tznius, and some things are not Tzanua even in private. Why would you teach a 4-year-old that it's OK, only to have to go into whole explanations why it's no longer so at 12? Of course kids will need more detailed explanations about Shmiras Habris at a later age, but telling them it's OK when they're little can, IMO, cause more problems than calmly teaching them that it's not.

mimivan

Fri, Apr 24 2009, 2:30 am

hadasa wrote:

Hadasa....Great answer!!
why can't we instruct children about tznius....this is not giving them a hangup..
it has to be done though without judgmental attitudes or nervous reactions...the parent has to make sure she is calm and just give the instruction.

Potty training time is a time when this becomes an opportunity to educate about tznius..
and (I'm making a public service announcement) an ideal time to educate children never to let anyone touch them in certain places (while on the subject!)

It is important all children are taught to protect themselves against s8xual abuse...and what better time than when this subject comes up (potty training time, curiosity...about 3 years old)

mama-star

Fri, Apr 24 2009, 6:35 am

well said, hadasa. I was actually going to follow up my original post and say "that doesn't mean the behavior should be encouraged," etc etc.

what I meant to say, and what hadasa clarified, is that it the discouraging should not be done in an anxious, gevuradik manner, but in a gentle way, perhaps to distract them, etc etc.

when I wrote the original post, I knew when I said "weird vibes" that I was going to sound hippy-dippy, I was just too tired and distracted at that point to articulate properly. what the "weird vibes" comment meant was that I strongly feel that a child can potentially develop negative s-xual feelings, etc, if the discouragement is done in an anxious, negative, or hen-pecking way. I know one woman who has hit her small children over this, which I strongly disapprove of.

Quote:

It's the modern Western mindset that seems to think that there's no middle road between giving "weird vibes" and "messing up s-xually" and saying that "everything's allowed in private, etc."

I just want to clarify that this is not MY mindset.

thegetrealcoach

Sun, Apr 26 2009, 3:41 am

I agree and believe there is a way to teach both - that it is okay - and to teach about tznius. But I am not sure I would connect the two messages at the same time because it can be confusing for kids.

It was a good point about the message then about changing our tune about it not being okay when they're twelve years old. After all, we don't want to come off as hypocrites. That got me thinking and realizing that the challenge is to find a balance and be able to instill all of these important messages as our children grow.

Which makes me realize more and more how important it is to keep those lines of communication open, honest, and real.

This parenting thing is a challenge!

mimivan

Sun, Apr 26 2009, 4:37 am

I don't think it is okay to teach it is okay...
I think it is an absolute must to give the message that the CHILD is okay...
but just like anything else, it is not something we do..

I think we are imposing a kind of guilt and anxiety that a child doesn't naturally feel about these things. That is why many suggest being very cautious about this issue. but if the parent doesn't feel guilt or anxiety, why should the child?

why should a parent feel conflicted about a gentle and loving but firm no..? And this issue is loaded for us, but not for the child. Do we hesitate teaching a child about kashrut, or only do so "Just as long as the child doesn't feel dirty or filthy about wanting to eat a cheeseburger!"

I think parents often are too worried about giving their kids "Hang ups." but if the instruction is given firmly and lovingly without hang ups (often it is the parents that have the hang ups) why should the kid have a complex..?

OP do NOT send your kids mixed messages about this...that it is okay to do in the bedroom but not in the salon...
that will only teach him to sneak around...with other things too!
it tells a child...if I don't see it, it doesn 't matter.!