Teach with "pain" | Imamother

amother

Tue, Mar 24 2009, 4:33 pm

If your child is doing something dangerous, but is too small to understand fully what "that's dangerous" means, do you think its wrong to teach them a lesson, by letting them get "hurt" in a controlled manner, from their misbehavior?
Like, if they spill water on the floor purposely, is it wrong to take them to the water, hold them while they "slip", and show them they'll bump their head (very gently, of course)?
Or, if they are playing with matches, to light a match and show them that its very HOT and it hurts?

Or is that cruel? It feels like its natural consequences to teach kids, but ensuring that they dont get too hurt from the natural consequence.

amother

Tue, Mar 24 2009, 4:41 pm

I dunno bout that extreme, but regarding things that are happening I will only say hot too many times until shell go an touch an ill say 'see its hot, booboo dont touch'. she wont touch again.

ive seen her playing w matches I just told her hot hot hot hot fire. like ima's candles....she knows a bit better now an will hesitate b4 she touches them

nicole81

Tue, Mar 24 2009, 4:41 pm

the difference between natural consequences and what you're describing is that natural consequences are... um... natural! you're talking about purposely tripping or burning your child, and even if they don't get hurt from it, it seem really weird and wrong to me.

furthermore, all you're teaching your child by making them slip in the water is that they can spill water as much as they want around the house, but as long as they walk *around* it, they'll be fine.

lech lecha08

Tue, Mar 24 2009, 5:34 pm

This post is kind of disturbing. If they intentionally spill food or drink, in my house, they help clean it up. If she goes near an on oven or lit Shabbos candles, I remind her it's hot and she can get a boo-boo. She now associates matches with fire as well and knows not to play with them. I don't tell her unlit matches are hot because if she does, she'll see I'm lying but it's just one of those things that I try to put of reach.
If they're not listening or keep repeating the behavior over and over, change the situation. Take the child away or re-evaluate your childproofing.

Tue, Mar 24 2009, 7:38 pm

As Nicole said there is a line between natural consequences and some of what you mentioned. Im all for letting my sons find out what hurts. What I did with the oven or the hot pot of soup on the table was to let them touch it- but I would not put their hands to it with a "see its hot - you burned yourself" I would put my hand on his hand as he went to touch it because I was holding him back from touching to quickly--- I made sure he went very slowly, explaining how it gets hotter as we get closer, and thats why you should never grab at something - but to go gently. I also showed him that the oven is sometimes hot and sometimes cold, so he should always check by going slowly before touching it.
On the ladder to slides and on jungle gyms they learned early that letting their hands off the rung would mean they hit the floor with a thud, I would protect their head, but not their butt Wink

When they play balance beam on garden walls I will hold their hands, but I am not the steady hand- they need to find their own balance, I am only there 'just in case.'
OTOH if they spill something and then you take them to it and show the how they would slip is going too far IMO... it seems more like humiliation bec its really unlikely that they would slip.
But I have let them, while holding my hand {with support}, slip on icy patches on the driveway so they realize just how slippery ice can be and to prevent them from running over ice--- but that was also for the fun of slipping and sliding on the ice:)

Im probably tougher than most moms, but I love the way my kids turned out.

He*Sings*To*Me

Tue, Mar 24 2009, 7:57 pm

I'm all for natural consequences (cause and effect), but what you're describing is what I refer to as contrived consequences (a staged or imposed effect). I'll spare the lecture, but offer this little morsel as some food for thought: If she is too young to comprehend cause and effect, then she's too young to process what you'd be trying to teach her.

amother

Tue, Mar 24 2009, 7:57 pm

I dont think there isnt anything wrong with what you are describing. the water on the floor one, I wouldnt really do, b/c the slipping isnt the reason I dont let water on the floor, its b/c of the mess. so a natural consequence is to clean it.

but the others, and what JC wrote, I agree with. you need to make sure that whatever natural consequence you allow to happen is real, and not exagerated. like I wont tell my kids dont walk on ice b/c you WILL slip. rather I tell them you could slip like this, see? and be careful but you can walk on the ice if they want.
I dont bombard my kids with "be careful" "thats dangerous" "dont do that you will hurt yourself"
b/c I find that it makes kids fearful and insecure, and anxious.

my kids are all not, and I attribute it to my good parenting skills Wink

amother

Tue, Mar 24 2009, 8:10 pm

same amother
another thing I used to do with my kids is to show the effect on myself.
like I will "touch" the burner and go owww thats hot, and make a face or jump up and down holding my hand and cry, etc.
this way they see what happens when they touch hot, but arent even close to touching it themselves.

this works best on the littlest ones.

when my boys were little, like 2 and 3. my dh with my approval once lit matches with the kids and taught them how to blow it out. I think teaching them to blow out a match is important just in case they light one themselves one day they should know how to blow it out before it burns their hand or drop it on the floor.
after this little lesson though, I prefered to simply keep the matches out of reach.I'm all for letting them learn but this was a little to close to danger for my comfort.