Moving to a bed | Imamother

613

Tue, Dec 28 2004, 4:10 pm

At what age did you move your toddler to a bed? Advice? Recommendations?
Thanks Very Happy

proudmom

Tue, Dec 28 2004, 4:12 pm

my son was 2. BH the transition went easy. He was really happy when I switch him

zuncompany

Tue, Dec 28 2004, 4:40 pm

Zu is being contained as long as possible. The plan is around his upshern.

Sara

Yael

Tue, Dec 28 2004, 4:48 pm

I plan to keep him in a crib till age 3 or when he's trained for the night and needs to have access to the bathroom. I have 2 cribs so I dont have to rush him into a bed before he's ready, or I'm ready!!

micki

Tue, Dec 28 2004, 8:22 pm

mine moved when the next one needed the crib so around 2-3 ys. and my son who is 3 and 4 months who has been begging for a big bed is still in a crib Confused

its me who can't make the time to go buy him a mattress. and I only remmebber at night- and I'm goin gnowhere then!

yehudis

Tue, Dec 28 2004, 10:56 pm

My kids sleep with me until they decide that they are ready to move on. My oldest is 3.5. At some point, she wanted to sleep in her own bed in a different room. But then she decided to come back to our bedroom. We don't push her -- it gives her a sense of security.

micki

Tue, Dec 28 2004, 11:14 pm

how many kids do you have? if I did what you do then at one point I'd have had 4 kids with me. at what age do they move out?

yehudis

Tue, Dec 28 2004, 11:28 pm

micki wrote:

how many kids do you have? if I did what you do then at one point I'd have had 4 kids with me. at what age do they move out?

I have two so far. Oh, and we have a bed and two twin mattresses on the floor, so there is enough space. The older one doesn't have to sleep right next to me, just close enough to feel comfortable.

Also, I know people who do this with more kids. They put more mattresses on the floor, put the baby on one side of the mother, the older kids on the other side, and they say it works just fine.

gryp

Wed, Dec 29 2004, 10:03 am

there are a lot of debates about this topic.
personally I think the best thing for a child is to be in his own bed in his own room.
the later you put him in his own bed, the harder it will be to get him in his own bed.
the "sense of security" it seems, is more for the mother than the child. the reason the child has this in his head in the first place is because the mother put it there.
almost 100% of the time, the mother is the one who wants a "family bed" for a sense of security, the father agrees only because the mother wants it, so he learns to live with it, although he would much rather have his own bed and own room without children in it.
a "family bed" also can cause marriage problems.
this is off topic.

but I plan to move Mendel to a bed just before age 3. it depends on his toilet-training and other factors in his development.

thebestmommy

Wed, Dec 29 2004, 10:24 am

I moved my daughter to a bed just before she turned three. She was starting to climb out by herself, and I didn't want her to hurt herself in the process.

The cutest thing is, in the morning, she calls me from her bed to come take her out. It's almost as if she needs my permission to come out of bed. I think I'll leave it that way until she realizes that she can come out by herself. LOL

de_goldy

Wed, Dec 29 2004, 3:17 pm

Maybe this is a stupid question, but how do you ever have relations if your kids are IN your bed??

yehudis

Wed, Dec 29 2004, 6:35 pm

As to how to have relations, well, if you're frum, you have more than one bed. You're allowed to have relations with a baby in the room (before the baby begins speaking, or under 2). With older children, you can put something in between the beds. Or go to a different room. We have another twin bed in the other bedroom.

As to why do it, I'll get into it when I have more time, IY"H. And RG, you'll regret this Smile

gryp

Wed, Dec 29 2004, 6:40 pm

im all ready Very Happy

de_goldy

Wed, Dec 29 2004, 7:12 pm

Quote:

You're allowed to have relations with a baby in the room (before the baby begins speaking, or under 2).

Yes, I know. But people mentioned having kids older than that in their beds... I think it was you in fact.

And I'm also interested to hear why...

yehudis

Wed, Dec 29 2004, 10:32 pm

de_goldy wrote:

Yes, I know. But people mentioned having kids older than that in their beds... I think it was you in fact.

Yes. Like I said, you can put a screen between the beds. Or go to a different bedroom -- whatever's easier.

de_goldy

Wed, Dec 29 2004, 10:36 pm

A screen in the middle definitely wouldn't stop noise, as far as I know. And wouldn't stop the kids from waking up, either.

yehudis

Wed, Dec 29 2004, 11:18 pm

So why have a family bed?

From the Torah perspective, we are encouraged to keep our babies close and be responsive to their needs. A great book on the subject is Straight from the Heart by Tehilla Abramov. She brings many quotes from Jewish sources. Here's one: "Separation from his mother can cause severe anxiety in a baby" (Tosafot Rid Ketubot 60a). It's page 42 in the book. She mentions family bed (p. 96). She says keeping the baby close in a bassinet is also OK.

While we're on the subject, Rabbi Lawrence Keleman writes in To Kindle a Soul about the dangers of the "crying it out" approach to getting children to sleep. It's pretty scary -- he brings statistics about long lasting emotional disturbances. Anybody who is considering it should read this book first and decide if it's really worth it.

But back to the family bed. Here's a quote from Good Nights by Dr. Jay Gordon:

Quote:

[N]ew scientific discoveries are revealing that babies were meant to be beside parents at night. A few surprising benefits of co-sleeping:

* The family bed offers many protections that can actually help save a baby's life. (I firmly believe a safely set up family bed is safer than solitary infant sleep.)
* Family bed babies cry less than babies who sleep alone-a boon to both babies and parents.
* Family bed children end up more independent and better adjusted later in life than those who slept without parental contact.

He also talks about how with these sleeping arrangements, both parents and children sleep better (and more). Also, Dr. Sears recommends a family bed. He has a whole book called Nighttime Parenting. Unfortunately, I don't have it at home, so this a quote from his other book, The Breastfeeding Book:

Quote:

Breastfeeding mothers and infants often shift from light sleep into deep sleep or back again at the same time... babies and mothers do actually share sleep cycles. When baby begins to wake up during one of those transition periods, mother simply reaches out and soothes baby with her touch or breastfeeds him, and both drift back to sleep with neither member of the nursing pair having comletely awakened.

And if that's not convincing enough Smile

, here's another quote from Mothering Your Nursing Toddler by Norma Jane Bumgarner:

Quote:

Night is a scary time for people -- not just little people either. The nights of the first few years are when children learn how to cope with the fears that come with darkness. The very best source of comfort at night is the presence of another person, or other people.

Surely I am not the only one who remembers how it felt to be a very young child under the old "rules" that banished toddlers to their own beds. I can remember lying awake or sitting silently in the dark, terrified, full of rage, full of self-loathing. In the twisted logic of the very young, I figured I must deserve to feel that way or it couldn't be happening to me. I remember those feelings as intensely today as I did then, and those memories won't let me even consider the possibility that night waking is a casual game of manipulation and control that parents somehow need to win. Whether or not your child feels safe at night makes a difference in how well he will live his whole life.

Scary, isn't it?

And the argument "you'll never get this kid out of your bed" makes no sense to me. Have you ever seen a high school student sleeping with her mother? Come on! Most children move on to their own beds willingly before they even get to elementary school. I don't have statistics, but from what I heard from other people, it seems the average is before they turn 4.

My daughter did move out at some point, but then she decided to come back. She has all these fears of monsters in the dark, etc. Which is perfectly normal for a 3-year-old. I'm sure she'll move out as soon as she is ready. She is actually very independent.

I could go on and on about how much we enjoy this arrangement and how nice it is when children wake up in the morning smiling rather than crying for Mommy. But then I'll never finish this post Smile

.

One more thing, about my husband's view of family bed. First of all, he also feels that it is beneficial for our children. Second, he is, B"H, a very busy person. He gets up at 5:30 a.m. to have time to learn and daven before going to work. Needless to say, he has very little time to sleep and prefers that his sleep not be interrupted. With the family bed arrangement, when a baby wakes up, she doesn't even cry, but just rolls closer to me and I nurse her. Moreover, even though all babies wake up every 1 to 2 hours, when they are next to Mommy, unless they are hungry, they just fall right back asleep. I only nurse once or twice a night, even when they are little. My husband almost never hears our children at night, so he really appreciates the family bed. Especially when he comes to shul and his friends tell him how they got no sleep because they had to get up when the baby woke up for the fifth time, and the wife was too exhausted to take care of the baby.

The family bed has many benefits, both for the parents and the children.

And RG, next time you make a (derogatory) blanket statement like that, please bring sources to support it.

yehudis

Wed, Dec 29 2004, 11:21 pm

de_goldy wrote:

A screen in the middle definitely wouldn't stop noise, as far as I know. And wouldn't stop the kids from waking up, either.

Never had this problem Smile

. Kids sleep pretty well. We have louder noise outside. And the issue is seeing, not hearing.

zuncompany

Wed, Dec 29 2004, 11:52 pm

Not all kids leave so easily. I know someone whose 7 year old is still in their bed!

gryp

Thu, Dec 30 2004, 8:01 am

Yehudis, I dont know what derogatory statement I made, and I didnt bring a source because I was talking off-topic. I didnt make that all up either, I read from a no-nonsense no-psychobable psychologist who I agreed with at every point. ill get the quote when I can find it online.

Now when I say Family Bed, I dont mean nursing babies. It goes without saying that it is much easier for a nursing baby to be in the mothers bed so the mother doesnt have to get up everytime.

When each mother decided to put her baby in a crib/bassinet is her own choice. Other factors also come in here- when the baby starts sleeping through the night,....
Personally Mendel was sleeping through the night at 3 1/2 months and I had to stop nursing him about a month later.

But when the baby becomes a toddler, and then a child, he/she deserved his/her own bed, and it is part of the growing developmental process, getting past nighttime fears, etc.