Bonding with child

amother

Sun, Jun 28 2009, 7:11 am

How do I bond with a child I never really "clicked" with? She is my oldest, I was pretty young and immature when I had her and also became pregnant and when she was really little. Not to mention that we have opposite personalities and the ways she is similar to me are things I don't like about myself. I think my own experience with my mother may have been similar and I don't want to recreate that, but I see the way I easily connect with her siblings and how it's so much more strained with her and as much as I try to be the as connected with her as I am with them it doesn't work. It is very painful for me to admit this and I could really use advice. She is an amazing kid and I don't want her to ever feel like she isn't because of me.

su7kids

Sun, Jun 28 2009, 7:25 am

The best you can do is to do the right actions, and say the right words, and the feelings will come. Every child we have connects with us in a different way, and each child is entitled to their own individuality. Don't keep correcting the things in her that you don't like about yourself, but OVERLY praise the efforts in areas you do admire.

Its not easy, but each one of our children is so precious and deserve our love and acceptance. Who knows, maybe you turned out not so badly after all with those traits! Maybe, since you recognize them you can help her use them well.

Just make an effort and it will feel like you're giving her MORE attention than the rest, but it will "get there" and even out as you start to realize how wonderful and special she is, even if she is a lot like you!!

amother

Tue, Jun 30 2009, 10:40 am

never ever let her feel anything but love and acceptance from you.
push yourself to do the right things and say the right things (saying I love you, hugs) and whether or not the feeling will come, at least you are giving her what you give your other kids.

children pick up on these subtle feelings, and she may be growing up feeling unloved and not knowing why since you probably do treat her the same way as your others.
this can cause her to behave in ways that are foreign to you but are really side effects from the not feeling loved. I'm not saying not being loved, since I'm sure you do love her, but she does need to feel it to be true for it to be helpful.
I'm not blaming you since there is only so much we can do when a child we have seems to be so different from the rest. but please do tell her over and over what you just said to us about how she is an amazing kid, and tell her why.
I'm sure she notices that she doesnt really fit in with the rest of your kids, so she will be needing extra self esteem boosting to make up for the double lack.

you may want to mention sort of about how different the two of you are, but you love her to pieces anyway.
this way any lack of connection she is feeling she can attribute it to I'm just different than my mother, but she still loves me and we get along anyway.
being jealous of the kid who is just like mommy, is better than feeling nobody loves me because I dont fit in.
you can also somehow give the impression that because she's "different" she's special. her differences, make sure to point out to her, are the things that make her unique and talented, etc. that her siblings dont have. so its good to be different, too. just dont use the word different to describe her to her face. I just cant think of another word that is less divisive.

if I'm completely off the mark, just discount everything I wrote except the part about showing her you love her just as much as the others.

Merrymom

Sun, Jul 05 2009, 8:18 pm

I had the same thing with one of my children although my reasons were different and instead of knocking myself all day I instead tried to do things with her that we BOTH enjoyed so we got to laugh together and really get to know each other better. I also started kissing her and letting her lean against me when I felt uc....hh and I eventually I started to like it. Do the actions and the feelings will follow, not the other way around which everyone assumes is the correct way.