Are you as good of a mother as you thought you'd be?

amother

Mon, Jul 20 2009, 4:45 pm

I have one baby and, BH, she's wonderful and I love her to death. But I just don't feel that I'm coping with motherhood as well as I expected I would. First of all, before having kids, I thought I'd want, like, 5 or 6 kids, but now I think "whoa...I don't know if I could handle more than 2 or 3".
I adore my baby, but I'm just not managing to keep up with the house, cooking, and keeping the baby and myself happy. And I don't even expect perfection in any of those areas, and I still feel like I'm failing.

I also have regular meltdowns, where I'm just like "Ahhh...I need DH to take the baby for an hour. I need an hour to do something (groceries, haircut, errands) by myself, without having to worry about schlepping the baby. I feel so weak and silly having such meltdowns, because I know my DH helps so much and even more than many men.

And finally, so many people tell me that I have the most amazing baby. They say that she's so calm and easygoing, and yet I feel that she requires constant constant care. Like, I don't feel I can do anything if she's awake.

Are you a better mom than you imagined? Not as good? Or about as good as you thought you'd be?

freidasima

Mon, Jul 20 2009, 4:49 pm

I'm as good as I thought I would be and that's not saying much.
But I believe in sticking kids in playpens so that they can see you and you can get things done around the house.
Gives you a bit of time to do things.
My grandson who at home is always crawling everywhere doesn't like that here I shove him in a playpen to watch me cook/clean/work etc.
But c'est la vie.
Just like the kids grew up fine with it, so will he
And so will your kids OP, so relax, use babysitters and all will be well.

ora_43

Mon, Jul 20 2009, 5:09 pm

Like friedasima, so far I'm about as good as I thought I'd be, but that's not saying too much.

What you describe sounds totally normal, and familiar.

I found that things got a lot easier as my baby got older, and, although it might seem counterintuitive, after my second was born.

The younger babies are, the less they can entertain themselves, and the more you spend all of their waking hours just keeping them happy (which also makes you feel more desperate to have someone else take over for an hour or so). The older they get, the more they can play happily on their own while you get things done.

When my first dd was a baby I felt like I never had time to do dishes. Now I can do dishes for 30 minutes straight while older dd "does dishes" next to me and younger dd plays with potatoes or tupperware on the floor.

When my second was born, not only did I find myself much more laid back (less worried about ups and downs in her weight, less nervous over leaving her at the babysitter for the first time, noticing less how old she was when she hit developmental milestones... etc), but she was able to entertain herself more easily (probably because I didn't run to her as quickly as I did with dd#1, although it could also be personality). And most importantly, she loved to just sit and watch her older sister, and once she was able to sit up and play, they started entertaining each other fairly regularly.

One other thing... one person's "easy baby" isn't necessarily another's. My first was "easy" in that she ate well and slept very well, but my second (who still often wakes up at night, at 13 months) has been much "easier" in that she was much more content to just sit and observe others or play quietly even as a young baby. So just because friends are telling you your baby is "easy," doesn't mean she's not actually at the challenging end of the spectrum, in some ways.

miichal

Mon, Jul 20 2009, 6:06 pm

I know that desperate feeling,
and, yes sometimes you need time to yourself,
which is hard to plan for when they are younger and not on a schedule yet,
my lifesaver: a really comfortable baby carrier,
you can get things done, keep baby stimulated by her watching you and you talking to her about it (or not talking if its a stress on you)
you will feel like the mom you wanted to be because shes really getting a lot of attention.

Mini Cookie

Mon, Jul 20 2009, 10:46 pm

to repond to your question... Crying

nope!

I definitely thought I'll have more time to give than I actually have, I felt guilty when I didn't play with my baby enough but at some point in life you get so busy trying to cope that one can lose sight of what kind of mother you wanted to be. Stay focused & ease up on the guilt a bit!

When taking care of yourself keep in mind that by doing whatever it is that your doing you are making sure you stay healthy & well cared for so that you can be there for her.

drumjj

Tue, Jul 21 2009, 3:13 am

I find im as good as I thought I would be, but it depends in what area, in some areas I thought I would be better and in some areas worse I guess things balance themselves out. I now have my third baby and find things a real struggle and I really dont manage to get things done she is not a very content baby. but for the five mins she lays on the floor periodically I do as much as I can around the house and I find myself doing things at night when she is asleep. when my husband comes home all I want is for him to take her off my hands for a bit so I totally understand that feeling I think its normal to need a break but I also think that u dont have to sit and watch a baby 24/7 but her in a chair and let her watch u do things or just keep going back to check on her all the time so u can get things done.

onlyme

Tue, Jul 21 2009, 11:03 am

Totally not the kind of mother that I expected to be! I thought I would be calmer. I thought I would be able to juggle taking care of a baby, a husband, a household, and a job. I thought I would be able to cook supper every night, fold the laundry the day it was washed... So I'm still getting over the shock at what has become of me and my house!
Dd, (3 months old) is an adorable, but colicky baby, who's in my hands most of the day and night, so I find that NOTHING gets done. In the beginning it drove me crazy, but lately I've become more easygoing about housekeeping. I'm still working on not losing patience so quickly when I'm up all night with her again, and again, and again... (still have a long way to go on that one!)

Lady Godiva

Tue, Jul 21 2009, 11:50 am

In some ways I'm a better mother than I thought I'd be, but in some ways I'm worse. I don't have a quarter of the patience that I thought I'd have, and that's a daily struggle for me. On the other hand, I have much more love than I thought I could ever have for my children, and I do things that I never imagined I'd do, for them.

Blue jay

Tue, Jul 21 2009, 8:07 pm

I did imagine motherhood differently, I thought I would devote all my time to my babies and play with them and teach them things....signal the clap of thunder,,, but then there is the house. Its never clean the laundry is never done and the dishes keep piling up. Oh the agony!
Today I just crashed, my kids and I lounged in our pajamas till noon, all of them napped at the same time. The kitchen was a mess I layed on the couch watching winnie the pooh with my kids. Not exactly a day at the spa but still very relaxing.
Keep your expectation levels low
Priorilty list:
1 Take care of baby
2. MAke sure you have food to eat and clothes to wear (laundry)
3. Make sure you have dishes upon which to eat
4. Anything goes if you have the energy.

newToNeighborhood

Thu, Jul 23 2009, 4:05 pm

My baby is 7 weeks old and I'm not the mother I wanted to be. I thought that during my maternity leave I'd accomplish so much. It was so hard to make the time to give him a proper bath and do the required "tummy-time" with him.

I couldn't believe how relieved I felt to go back to work and give him to daycare, so that they can do all the things with him that I wasn't doing. I never thought I'd be able to go back to work and leave my baby with strangers, but during my maternity leave I kept thinking that the daycare would do a better job at "mothering" than I was doing.

I also totally understand your desire to get out of the house. Last week I went to the supermarket alone and after I was done getting all of the groceries, I walked up and down the ice cream aisle for about a half-hour. It made me feel better Smile

My husband was wondering what took me so long!

I don't know if all this is normal, but at least there's someone else who can totally relate to you!

Dini

Thu, Jul 23 2009, 4:18 pm

I am totally not the mother I expected to be, but I'm making due. There is no way I could've known what motherhood was all about. I really had no clue and had many surprises when I gave birth the first time. I didn't realize that babies cry all night, need to be fed so offen etc. I just never took notice, I was too busy doing teenage stuff.

My advise is to not think of how many kids you will have total and how many you can manage. Take one at a time and I think that you will want another before you know it. Smile

mimivan

Thu, Jul 23 2009, 8:53 pm

I'm not always as calm a mother as I wanted to be, but I imagined I'd have more support.
I don't like having to sound kinda like a drill seargent before bedtime, but hey, three little kids 5 and under and flying solo with having to report to work at 9 pm...I guess I can't exactly be like a parent from the books.
and I'm not sure my kids want a parent from the parenting books. I think they want their mother..

the books do have a use. I can listen better. I can say things in a more constructive way. I can be calmer. I can be more immersed in my purpose. But it is a process, not a black and white "good mommy/bad mommy" label...

I guess I'm not as calm, sweet, fun and patient a mother as I wanted to be..but then again, I then had a very superficial idea of what parenting is all about..

I think we are parenting ourselves as well as our kids...and growing up with them.

NotInNJMommy

Thu, Jul 23 2009, 9:07 pm

No. I'm not. But, I'm also not living the life I imagined living. I did not expect to need to be working full time. And, now that I am, I expect I am not as good of a mother as I'd hoped I'd be due to not being able to put the time and energy into my home like I thought I would be able to.

It's frustrating. I expected to cook better food, keep a better home, and handle a lot more of family life. But, BH, it's hasgachah pratis that this is what Hashem wants me to be doing now, and part of that means yes I must "rise to the challenge" in some aspects (ie. chinuch, patience, etc) and the other part is that He's probably not expecting me to be cooking so much, and my kids are fine with matzah, fish sticks and green pepper strips for dinner, followed by a bowl of applesauce or a half of a banana.

manhattanmom

Thu, Jul 23 2009, 11:32 pm

To answer the topic question: NO.
Maybe it's just because I'm having a really really really bad week--way too much stress....
I actually always envisioned myself as a SAHM (like my mother was when we were little.) Now, I'm in school part-time and on days that I'm home the whole day I just cannot imagine myself being a SAHM, ever--or at least when they're not in school yet. I always thought I'd be able to keep a clean and organized home, care for my family and stay home all day so I could do that. On days that I'm home the whole day, I end up feeling way more stressed and have a very disorganized apartment at the end of the day and I'm TOTALLY exhausted too!

campmommy

Sun, Aug 02 2009, 9:50 pm

I think most mothers don't feel that they are as good as they thought they would be before they had children, but that doesn't mean they're right. if you're doing you're best - including meltdown time and taking breaks for yourself - then you're fantastic.
And nobody should plan how many children they'll have, because each one is different and special in their own way. Take them one at a time and you'll see you can have more!