Help me not obsess about this disappointment

amother

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 12:28 am

OK so my daughter is home from camp. Every day (almost) I sent her an e-mail through the camp's website. I made them newsy and funny and tried to make them special for her. I also sent her some letters in the mail, with pictures drawn by my younger child.

Well, I just found out she threw them away! All of them! Crying

At first she said she didn't know what happened to them or where they were, then she said she wasn't sure if she kept them, then she said they were too messy and took up too much space (I gave her a folder just for letters she received), and then she wrote me a note saying that they had gotten mildewy and gross so she had to throw them out.

The note made me feel very guilty for even telling her I was sad that she doesn't have the letters (I don't have copies) - because she wrote "Don't worry, I remember what was in them" and she obviously does care too, and I don't want her to feel bad. But honestly, I'm obsessing over this a bit and feeling very sad over this little loss of her memorabilia (mine too because of the newsiness about our baby etc.). It was her first time away at camp. Apparently she didn't keep ANYONE's letters and I know her friends and grandparents, etc. wrote to her...

amother

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 12:31 am

Just to clarify, she didn't intentionally make me feel guilty with her note but I ended up feeling so bad after reading it. It was so heartfelt with apologies. Crying

I don't know which I am more sad about, the lost letters or the fact that she feels so bad about not having kept them and there is no way to get them back now. (As an adult I could think of solutions to the mildewy problem - ask a counselor to photocopy them, maybe, or bring them home to be photocopied - or even just air them out, etc. - but I guess a kid doesn't think like that.)

amother

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 12:44 am

I don't know how to say this without saying callous, so I'm just going to say it.
My oldest just came home from his first time at camp. We signed him up very last minute b/c of our financial situation, we just did not know how we could come up with the money. All of his friends were there and b'h we finally worked out a way to send him. Until we did, he was home for a month feeling like I can only imagine, either a major neb or completely alone while all of his friends had the time of their lives. I emailed him probably every other day, spoke to him on the phone once when he first got there. Of course we saw him on visiting day. He wrote home a total of 2 letters (he said he wrote another that came back for insufficient postage) and only called home after I called the office and asked him to.
I know, and I knew while he was there, that he was not missing us at all. Not because he doesn't love us, but because he was so busy having a great time with his friends that he literally didn't have a minute to miss us. While that makes me feel, as his mother, a tiny drop sad about the fact that he doesn't need me so much anymore, that feeling is outweighed by a tremendous feeling of gratitude that we were able to send him, and that he had such a great time, and that he has nice friends, and that all my worries about sending a child to camp for the first time were just that, worries.
What I'm trying to say is, I'm sure you are disappointed that your daughter threw out something that you were hoping would be a treasured keepsake. But try to look at the big picture: She had a great time, came back healthy and safe, and will iy'h go to camp again, and if it is as important to you that she save your letters/emails as you feel it is, you will make it more clear to her next time that you expect her to do it. You cannot make her feel about it the same way you do, as her mother, but you can "force" her to save the letters if you need her to.

amother

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 12:51 am

I can totally relate to you sense of loss, even of something so little. These types of things are so important to me too. My mil threw out the wrapping paper and bow from my engagement ring box. The cleaning lady threw out the crib card from my 7th child. Just the other day, I drove my family crazy trying to find a little paper "chick" with feathers that my 8 year old had made (we actually found it! oh, happy day!) When these things happen, I try to look at what I do have from these things (the wrapping paper: I have a beautiful ring. The crib card: I have a beautiful baby girl!) In your case, be happy your daughter had a nice time at camp. Maybe before school starts you can, with her, write a list of both your memories from the summer, week by week. Put them on some pretty paper and save it in an album. . Get some pictures from her if she has or from her friends and their parents, or from the camp. Next year, make copies of the letters before you send them!

amother

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 12:57 am

Yes, OK, I get that the fact that she had a happy and safe time at camp is the most important thing. It was financially hard for us to send her as well, and we also signed her up at the last minute, etc. but I don't know what any of that has to do with this.

The only thing I am actually writing about is that this particular, admittedly minor, thing is on my mind. She was carrying around some guilt about it even before I casually asked her today, "So do you have the letters I sent you?" - because she herself was quite upset that she ended up having to throw them out. So it's not just that I am imposing some kind of thing on her, she in fact is a very sentimental kid who saves things in treasure boxes.

My reason for this thread is to try to get past obsessing a bit over this so I can move on, but I don't really need to just be told in essence, what's the big deal? It's not important. Yeah, I know, that's why I want to stop obsessing.... or is there way way out of this circular logic?

amother

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 1:01 am

amother wrote:

Dear amother! Thank you!!! THAT was what I needed. You understand me.

Great ideas about putting together her memories of the summer (and mine) - and she did take pictures at camp so we will have those - and she does have other little mementos from camp of course. Next year I will definitely make copies of my e-mails and letters before sending. The funny/sad thing is that as I sent off each e-mail, part of me wondered whether I should maybe keep a copy first... (copy & paste)... but I said, nah, she'll keep them of course! So maybe that is part of why I feel more "devastated" than I really should, because part of me had that feeling...

Thank you for your kind response.

amother

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 1:45 am

amother wrote:

I'm very happy that I helped you and that my idea may work! I actually just passed the high shelf where that little"chicK" is now located and smiled thinking about how I hold on to such keepsakes! (I love the memories associated with it: the silly name dd gave it, how it cheered me up so much on the day she brought it home because I was having an awful day, how it made us both laugh together!) I even keep school newsletters if any of my kids are mentioned in them! My dh laughs at me all the time, but I remind him how much he loved when one day his mother presented him with a huge stack of his report cards, drawings, and other things from his childhood! Enjoy putting together things from your daughter's summer!

Mirabelle

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 9:24 am

Ok, as someone who went to camp for 12 summers I can certainly understand how in the chaos of a bunk that letters get wet/mildew or dirty. Don't forget it has been a rainy summer! Then there is the chaos of packing. Obviously packing to go home is a lot harder than when Mommy is helping you pack up to go to camp in the first place. For whatever reason there never seems to be enough room to repack all of your clothes, new art projects, stuff, etc.

Please do not assume that because the letters got thrown out that she somehow did not appreciate them!
I do not think that I have saved a single letter from my parents (I went to camp before e-mail ) but nonetheless I have a very clear memory and appreciation for the time that my parents took to write me a million letters. My first summer at camp, when I was 10, my mother had read somewhere that you should send your kids letters before they leave so that they will get them as soon as they get there and she did this and I never forgot it! I am sure that every time she got a letter or e-mail from you she felt loved.

Also, you may be super nostalgic for things like that, but that may not be her personality. Sometimes the need to hold on to every little piece of material memory can become an unhealthy obsession and suddenly your house is filled with junk that you "can't bear" to part with.

My parents are in the process of clearing out there house (they are moving to a small condo) and my mother has no idea what to do with all this stuff that she saved over the years.

PinkFridge

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 9:58 am

Personally, I'm so glad I saved my parents' letters. But I'd let it go. If it comes up just say that you (OP) are more the sentimental type so you assumed she would have the same feelings. I'm sure that she did appreciate your keeping her up to date, and give her a few years - you'll see her mature and grow into a lovely young woman (in her own image, not yours or husband's), and believe it or not, your loving letters will be a part of her growth.

Chayalle

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 12:40 pm

Quote:

Also, you may be super nostalgic for things like that, but that may not be her personality. Sometimes the need to hold on to every little piece of material memory can become an unhealthy obsession and suddenly your house is filled with junk that you "can't bear" to part with.

I'm newish to posting on IMAMOTHER and I'm amazed that so many people need to hide their ID...

In any case, I agree with the above poster. I was thinking along those lines myself. If you sent your DD the letters, then they are hers. If she wants to dispose of them she can. If you want a copy you should have created one in the first place.

I don't mean to sound cold or anything...but want to share this: My Mom is an obsessive collector. She has loads of junk, and she really needs/wants to downsize but I'd have to take a month of from work to help her do that and I can't afford it. She keeps everything.

When I got married (more than 10 years ago) she kept copious receipts of every item she bought for my new home, from furniture to spatula. She put everything in a folder and then gave it to me so I should have it, I don't know for what. I told her at the time that I don't need this stuff, and she insisted I do. I told her I didn't want to keep it, and she wouldn't hear me. So what do you think, I'm not a collector, I like empty counters and non-cluttered drawers, so I threw it out.

Several years later my younger sister got married, and Mom phones me for the file so she can compare prices...boy...she was not happy when I told her I didn't have it.

Fox

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 12:48 pm

Obviously, I know nothing about the OP's or her daughter's personalities or values, but I am going to add my perspective based on what I've seen over the years.

There are at least two kinds of people when it comes to what I would describe as "sentimental" issues. There are people who save memorabilia, remember birthdays and anniversaries, paste photos into albums, and store keepsakes. And then there are those of us who can't remember to do any of the above and tend to regard all these practices as nice, but not something we'd bother doing.

Neither side is wrong, but you'll save yourself lots of heartache if you understand where the non-savers are coming from.

The non-savers tend to find all the sentimental stuff kind of embarrassing and over-the-top. Most of us can appreciate that people like to have photos and keepsakes, but they just aren't meaningful to us in any real way. My DH and I don't usually remember each other's birthdays and we have to drag out the photo album in order to remember the date we got married. Non-savers don't equate objects with memories. Again, this is not a value judgment -- people's brains just work differently.

If your daughter turns out to be a non-saver, please don't equate her lack of interest in keepsakes with not treasuring relationships or wonderful memories. We non-savers get this all the time: "Well, if you really valued time with your family, you'd keep pictures of the barbecue." or "How could you have thrown away the birthday card I made you? Do you care about me so little?" This makes us defensive and crazy and leads to all kinds of fights.

If the savers are patient and accepting, the non-savers will usually admit that it's nice to keep some memorabilia, even if they don't completely understand the attraction.

superjew

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 12:54 pm

Above poster, same here. Although I do have some memorable and sentimental things. I totally get about not keeping things if you dont need them. However, OP's daughter did seem guilty about having to throw it out and her mother mentioned that she is a sentimental person.
OP- I'm sure your daughter enjoyed the letters very much! She had to throw them out for reasons and may have not over thought it at that time because she was in camp, distracted by the fun she was having and perhaps other clutter in her room, she didnt have room etc... In either case, try and not over think it too much. Maybe if you feel bad that your daughter feels guilty about it, apologize to her or show support for her decision. There will be more notes and letters she can hold onto, I'm sure!

Nomad

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 1:58 pm

op, I like the idea of the amother who suggested creating a new type of memory journal.

as far as stopping the obsession, maybe focus on how bad your daughter must feel for having to throw them out. She is a little girl and must feel really bad disappointing you. So maybe change your thought pattern to comforting dd.

Also, when it comes down to it, no one can keep every little scrap of paper and picture that reminds them of every memory of their life. After 120 iy"h, your daugther will not need these e-mails and letters to remember her wonderful mommy. She has those memories in her head and heart.