Can I bring something? If I say no, please don't!

amother

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 2:12 pm

When people ask "can I bring something" I always say no. Were they to say, "can I bring a salad" or "can I bring dessert" I might say, "sure, thank you" but I just don't feel comfortable saying, "yes, please make a salad," or "yes, please buy the drinks".... That's just me.

Now, if the guest shows up with a bottle of wine or something that need not be used at the meal, then that's very nice. But if I spend time slaving on my meal, it is really ANNOYING to have someone else bring a salad when I already made one! Or a chocolate cake when I made a chocolate cake!

How can avoid this in the future? Is it better to tell people what they can bring?

solo

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 2:25 pm

oooh this really annoys me.
I cant count the amt of times a guest showed up with dessert after id taken the time to prepare 1.
or brought me something that needs to be transferred into a bowl thats already being used for the salad I made ....
I think its incredibly rude to send food to ur host.
r u concerned that shes not a good cook?
that she wont have enough?
I never understood the mentality.

if im going to someone who I know is hosting a large crowd I like to offer to bring a dish. and always respect the host wishes.
I would never show up with food after specifically being told none is needed. nor would I insist. like ur sure? theres nothing I can make u/ not even a salad?

I usually buy flowers or a bottle of wine. and if its a last minute thing, like how bout coming for dinner tonight?, in which case the host doesnt have much time to prepare, I say sure and let me bring the dessert.

RachelEve14

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 2:37 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

I think the "why" is just to be nice. That the "no, don't bring anything" is interpreted as the host just "being nice" and the appropriate thing is to bring something.

don't shoot the messenger, just saying...

I agree. A few times I didn't bring anything, and then when we invite the couple at another time, even though I say "don't bring anything" they do, and I'm embarrassed that I didn't bring a gift. It's a no win. If you really don't want them bringing dessert, just say "drinks would be lovely, thanks."

Seraph

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 3:39 pm

solo wrote:

Some people are picky eaters and want to be able to make sure that there is at least something they can/will eat. If they've never been to you before, no need to take it personally because they don't know how you're cooking is; they're just playing it safe.
And everyone has different tastes. Its not offensive, in my opinion, if someone doesnt like my food. I know I cook well; if someone doesnt like my cooking- their loss, but what is offensive about it?

MaBelleVie

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 3:48 pm

Seraph wrote:

some people are picky eaters and want to be able to make sure that there is at least something they can/will eat. If they've never been to you before, no need to take it personally because they don't know how you're cooking is; they're just playing it safe.
And everyone has different tastes. Its not offensive, in my opinion, if someone doesnt like my food. I know I cook well; if someone doesnt like my cooking- their loss, but what is offensive about it?

Personally, I think that if someone is picky and knows it, it's her responsibility to eat something before she shows up, or assume that she will not eat much until she gets home after. To bring along a dish and eat only that is quite rude. When I was in the midst of first trimester nausea, I tried to avoid eating out. When we couldn't turn down an invitation, I made sure to make kiddush and eat something before I left, so I wouldn't be starving yet nauseated the whole meal. And there was always SOMETHING on the table I could manage eating.

freidasima

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 4:09 pm

I say no to everyone and then state straight out that we only eat from our own food kashruswise. And it's true. I would only eat from my mother's kitchen and my daughters, I would not even eat cooked food from my daughters in law. Just the way I was brought up.

imasinger

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 4:28 pm

Yet another of those "it depends" questions.

For many, "Can I bring something" translates as, "If you don't tell me, I'm going to bring you something I choose unless you discuss it otherwise."

I find it hard to get offended at someone who has good motives. Bringing food isn't done to be offensive, but to be kind. That being said, if there are issues, it's helpful to address them up front, no?

malkie

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 4:52 pm

I think it's best to stick with things that can be saved for another time, or won't interfere with the host's cooking - like a bottle of wine, or some nice pareve chocolates. Unless I am going to a close friend for a meal (and we usually do more of a potluck since we are both just two adults and some small kids), I wouldn't ask to bring a cooked dish. Would just bring wine or chocolate.

Annie

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 5:09 pm

It depends who it is. I have one friend who hates baking, so when she invites us, I will usually say "can I bring brownies, or a cake?" If it's a big meal or something, I may offer to make a salad. In my experience, only when my kids have had overnight guests for shabbos, has someone brought a completely extra dish. Usually it's chocolates, or cookies or something I can serve with what I've already made. I like to take flowers if I can, but I don't always have time. I also have a friend who happens to really like one of my kugles, so sometimes she'll ask me to make it if I ask, but usually if I'm met with a "no thanks," then it's candy or wine.

Isramom8

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 5:46 pm

Your mistake is in saying no. People want to feel that they are participating, so they don't feel awkward about being guests. I say, "You don't have to, but if you really want to, what are you offering, for example?" And the second they mention something that could work with my meal, I tell them how perfect that dish would be. Like, "my kids adore your chocolate chip cookies" or "ice cream would be great - I don't ever get around to making it".

As far as allergies and food preferences, I much prefer knowing in advance than people just not eating. If your kid only eats corn shnitzel, tell me so I can microwave a few before Shabbos, and we'll all be happy. Why have a kid be forced to eat roast chicken and potato kugel when she wants what she eats all week, which is corn shnitzel?

greenfire

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 6:07 pm

it's just as rude to ignore a bottle of wine ...

but if you're adamant and don't like other people's food interfering with your hard planned meal ... tell them so ...

a plain "no" makes them wonder if you meant it or not ...

chaylizi

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 6:34 pm

In my case, I usually say yes when asked. Most of my guests can add pretty well & they know that between our families, I will be cooking for 12 (if not more) & they just want to be nice & help. I told my guests yesterday that they could bring dessert. One less thing for me to do. I wasn't insulted at all. In fact, I was exceedingly pleased & thanked her profusely.

chanchy123

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 6:49 pm

I agree it's rude to bring a dish, when you are specifically told one is not needed.
But, it's my experience that people like participating in a meal, and it saves on them looking for a hostess gift, which they either cannot afford or don't really know what to get, or whatever.
I usually ask my guests to bring a dessert, a salad or some challah (if they offer the challa or I know they are good challah bakers) if they offer - I learned that it's usually easier for our guests - but against these are mostly guests coming only for a meal.
When invited we'll ask what to bring and bring whatever the hosts ask and if they say no don't bring anything will go with either wine or chocolate (giving them a chance to either serve or not serve our gift).
We have shlepped rice and chicken and cholnt and other dishes in the car going to good friends for shabbat.

pacifier

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 9:00 pm

some people don't feel comfortable being invited and not bringing anything.
I don't think you should be offended by people adding food to your table, unless you have a themed meal or only eat your own kashrut which you should mention when you answer please don't bring anything, just come and enjoy yourself.
personnally, as I was invited for some meals, I brought homemade desserts before shabat so our hosts knew that they had desserts and didn't have to prepare dessert on top of the meal.

Barbara

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 9:19 pm

I can understand a kashrut issue, but otherwise ... people who are invited want to show their appreciation by bringing something. I never find it difficult to throw an extra dessert or challah on the table. There's enough things to get angry about; I can't be bothered to be angry with someone trying to be nice to me.

If you really don't want anything, say something like *I'm so excited that you're coming that I have every last morsel planned and co-ordinated. Don't bring a thing; I'm looking forward to treating you.*

Marion

Mon, Oct 05 2009, 11:54 pm

I pull the allergy card. We don't have alcohol in the house and we have nut/peanut allergies. So the only thing I accept are salads (because I never get around to making one) and I tell people that if they want green salad that would be great, otherwise it's all taken care of, thanks.

bashinda

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 12:30 am

I remember bringing a cake from the bakery when a friend and I came over and she told us nicely that she had a dessert already and stuck it in her freezer for another time which was perfectly fine with me. Just a possibility if someone brings over an unecessary dessert.