Can I bring something? If I say no, please don't!

GingerSpice

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 9:29 am

pinktichel wrote:

Am I the only one who has would have no problem if a guest brought a dessert, salad, side dish, etc even though I've already made? I'm not sure what the big deal is. Why can't yours and theirs be served?

no, I don't get why bring a gift is rude.
If you made a chocolate cake and she brought one then serve them both!
I've been places where they serve two cakes made by two people.

I think its a bit selfish to get upset with a guest who
only wanted to show you their grateful by bringing a dish that
doesn't 'go' with your meal.

You should be telling them what to bring if it really bothers you.
This is a strange thread... I never thought someone would get insulted by a salad Confused

Peanut2

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 9:40 am

amother wrote:

Mrs.K wrote:

pinktichel wrote:

I'm with you. What

Because I prepared a chocolate cake. So when my guest shows up with a big chocolate cake, what am I supposed to do with the one I baked? I don't have room in my freezer and my family won't eat it during the week. This happens frequently and food ends up going to waste, along with my heart work.

Put both out. It is annoying but the best thing to do.
Generally be aware that guests are likely to bring dessert.

I also dislike when guests "interfere" with my menu, but generally assume that they may bring dessert.
What I find really annoying is when someone offers to bring something and then brings a much worse version than what I would have bought or made myself. It's happened to me with people offering to bring challa, and when I was single and more into potluck friends of mine brought bad parve ice cream to a dairy shavous dinner. I told them it was dairy beforehand. Now that's annoying!

Isramom8

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 9:50 am

Donate the extra chocolate cake (yours) to your husband's minyan or your kids' school's teacher's room, with a nice note.

I think people bring food after they are told not to because they didn't believe that the hostess didn't want them to, and they wanted to participate by contributing.

Ask if you can bring ithe lemon lime jello mold home for shalosh seudos for yoyur kids! Tell them the mayo is cream, snd to eat around the cukes.

My MIL immediately removes flowers from the table. So they sit on the counter - still pretty. [/color]

In our kollel, one of the women took an infestation-checking course with me, and she was a better student than me. The other women use similar standards. I know because all the men discuss hechsherim together. If you're part of a small group, you can know that you share one another's criteria.

In my old neighborhood, I was told that meals for the sick were needed, but that only approved families could contribute. I said I'm sorry then that I can't participate. I was told that on the contrary, I'm on the approved list! I was shocked - on what basis? But you know what, knowing this info made me extra careful with the hechsherim I used for these meals.

greenfire

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 10:28 am

if somebody already brings something I would be most gracious ... but I'm quite picky with other people's cooking - as well as cleanliness during same ... there is never too much wine and dessert is part of a well planned meal

yet I still like to bring homemade goodies to people if I go out ... most people do appreciate my good cooking

isn't it weird how I like to give but not get food ... What

amother

Tue, Oct 06 2009, 5:51 pm

Goodness! The things that upset folks!

I always tell guests please don't bring anything, because I don't want them to bother. If they bring something then I thank them profusely and put it out. Usually somebody whose kashrus isn't trustworthy but wants to bring something has the seichel to bring wine/challah/chocolate so there's no problem. On the rare occasion (I can only think of twice in twenty years that this has ever occurred) when somebody I wouldn't eat by brought something homemade, I again thanked them profusely, told a white lie that we'd enjoy it later, and put it in the freezer/fridge. We're talking salads, folks, not Trojan horses - it's a gift, a token of appreciation or affection, and we treat it as such. Why does having the perfect menu take precedent over another person's feelings, clueless though that person may be?

SavtaHelen

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 1:25 am

The tone of some of the responses bothers me. It is not "rude" and it is not meant to be an insult to the host's cooking abilities when someone offers to help. It is an offer to HELP you, not hurt you.

IMHO if someone brings something (whether or not they were asked not to) it is their way of saying "I really appreciate the invitation and all the work you have saved me and I wanted to participate and help you".

I think that the problem lays in our inabilities to be honest with each other, and also in our difficulties to accept help.

Unless there is a kashrut issue, I try to respond in one of these manners:

1 Yes, if you could bring a salad, that would really help
2. We really love your _______, would it be too much trouble to ask you to bring that
3. We don't need anything really, but if you want to bring ___________ I am sure that everyone would love it.

I would feel like a parasite if I arrived empty handed. I am more comfortable hosting than being the guest.

freidasima

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 2:45 am

Savtahelen you live in a perfect world.
In the world in which I live and function people are far from perfect.
Women build their egos by making sure no one will rival them.
They are asked for recipies and they give them - willingly - and leave out a major ingredient so that no one elses X will ever be as good as theirs.
Women who are wearing something lovely are asked by people where they got it...and they make sure to lie so as never to have to see anyone else wearing THEIR beautiful garment.

Unless you are talking about really bosom buddies with whom there is no rivalry, childhood friends who share everything etc., first cousins where there is no hard feelings, no rivalry, etc. you had better know that very often if someone says DONT DONT DONT and that person doesn't show up with a small dish of candy, or a bottle of wine (that's not a problem usually) but with a BIG COOKED DISH that they expect to be served along with the meal (and often make faces and use as a basis for nasty comments afterwards behind that person's back if it is NOT set out for all the other guests to see or be used) - this kind of showing off behavior is most common NOT when it is one couple inviting another but when a couple is invited but when it's for a larger group.

Halevai that it didn't exist. But it does.

sped

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 4:22 am

Let's please not get carried away! I was a guest plenty, and it's not pleasant being so much on the receiving side. I looked for ways to give something too. Sometimes my being there was giving (families most people wouldn't want to go to - the kind I ate before going), sometimes it was attention to the kids or adults there, sometimes it was help with the dishes, and very, very often it was by bringing something, usually chocolates or something homemade. It never occured to me that it could have been looked at negatively. I truly saw it as a way to give too.
Should I regret it now in retrospect?

ora_43

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 4:45 am

SavtaHelen wrote:

IMHO if someone brings something (whether or not they were asked not to) it is their way of saying "I really appreciate the invitation and all the work you have saved me and I wanted to participate and help you".

But if it's unannounced, it's not helpful.

I agree that it's not rude, and that people are just trying to help. But it only helps if it saves the host money or effort. If the host has already put money and effort into something, and you're just making her effort redundant - it's upsetting.

If I take 15 minutes on an already busy erev Shabbat to make homemade cookies and everyone enjoys them, I feel good. If I take 15 minutes on an already busy erev Shabbat to make homemade cookies only to have a guest show up with a cake, there's a part of me feeling very annoyed that my work was unnecessary (both because I could have done something else instead, and because it's upsetting when you thought you were being productive but really weren't).

As a host I thank people and put one dessert away for next week, and of course remind myself that they meant well. But as a guest, it's good to keep in mind that if you feel the need to make something, you should tell your host that in advance.

Peanut2

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 4:48 am

Don't regret it. You did good.
As a host I appreciate the gesture. It means that people realize I worked very hard to make them delicious food. As a guest it means I appreciate my host and don't want my mother or MIL to kill me for arriving empty handed to someone's house.
I don't understand why people would feel upstaged. My parents have very close friends where the woman is an excellent challa maker. When my parents invite them over it's assumed she will bring challas. She has to tell my parents if she's not bringing any! She's just sharing her gift. How is that wrong? How sad would it be if people I invite as guests in my own home tried to upstage me!!

ora_43

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 4:50 am

BTW I also used to bring desserts and things unannounced. I figured the hosts could put it in the freezer and use whenever.

Now that I've been on the other end and found it somewhat frustrating, I'll just ask "what can I bring" instead of "can I bring something," or I'll say "thanks so much for the invite, is it OK if we bring dessert?" something like that. And get it planned in advance.

(Actually, there's only one or two families here I'll bring cooked food to - the others have different kashrut standards and/or are awesome cooks to the point where it would be odd to bring prepared food. So then we bring grape juice or honey or something like that, that can be used anytime).

katb

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 6:28 am

[quote="freidasima"]Savtahelen you live in a perfect world.
In the world in which I live and function people are far from perfect.
Women build their egos by making sure no one will rival them.
They are asked for recipies and they give them - willingly - and leave out a major ingredient so that no one elses X will ever be as good as theirs.
Women who are wearing something lovely are asked by people where they got it...and they make sure to lie so as never to have to see anyone else wearing THEIR beautiful garment.
quote]

This is HORRIBLE. I can think of communities like this and I would hope to never live in one.

bonnie

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 7:39 am

RachelEve14 wrote:

NotInNJMommy wrote:

I think the "why" is just to be nice. That the "no, don't bring anything" is interpreted as the host just "being nice" and the appropriate thing is to bring something.

don't shoot the messenger, just saying...

I agree. A few times I didn't bring anything, and then when we invite the couple at another time, even though I say "don't bring anything" they do, and I'm embarrassed that I didn't bring a gift. It's a no win. If you really don't want them bringing dessert, just say "drinks would be lovely, thanks."

I don't agree. if you're bringing 4,5,6 kids, you want to feel like you've contributed in some way. I don't think it's rude to bring something with you. Honestly, if someone brings something, I make sure to put it on the table and serve it to people, so guests feel valued and appreciated. What's the big deal if someone brings an extra salad/dessert/etc...etc...?

Im not quite sure why this would be a problem?
What about being sensitive to others?

ora_43

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 8:31 am

It's not rude to bring something. It's just not very thoughtful to bring something prepared to serve at the meal without mentioning it beforehand.

Being sensitive to others goes both ways. The guest also needs to be sensitive, by thinking about how the hostess will feel if she just spent precious time and money making a certain dish for her guests to enjoy only to have them show up with their own.

amother

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 8:32 am

freidasima wrote:

In the world in which I live and function people are far from perfect.
Women build their egos by making sure no one will rival them.
They are asked for recipies and they give them - willingly - and leave out a major ingredient so that no one elses X will ever be as good as theirs.
Women who are wearing something lovely are asked by people where they got it...and they make sure to lie so as never to have to see anyone else wearing THEIR beautiful garment.

Freidasima, do you live on the set of Desperate Housewives?

RachelEve14

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 8:56 am

bonnie wrote:

RachelEve14 wrote:

NotInNJMommy wrote:

I'm agreeing with you. I was saying people want to bring things, and often will bring things, and if you don't want something specific (for kashrut or menu planning or whatever reason) it's better to say "please bring drinks" so you don't get a homemade salad you don't want to eat. Then they can contribute and you don't have to worry about kashrut, menu, etc.

freidasima

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 9:14 am

Ladies, all I can tell you is that what I described is VERY common and was always VERY common among the ladies that I knew. Not my friends because we were all professionals and none spent that much time on the house, who had time with a 60 hour a week job! Or more! I see one of my daughters working from 7 AM to 11 PM on her job and she isn't going to be like that for her or her workmates, who has time for narishkeit?!

But for some women, my age at least, they had nothing else to show off but their household. Their "best" cakes. Their lovely dresses. Yes there was tremendous rivalry and Desperate housewives is a parody, but there is a lot of truth behind the characters. Don't close your eyes to it. And if you ask someone you don't know for a recipie and it doesn't turn out good..and you know that it didn't taste like that and you are a good cook....maybe be a tiny bit suspicious that...she left out something, and not always by accident. Just keep your eyes open.

greenfire

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 10:33 am

Peanut2 wrote:

what on earth does your MIL have to do with you going out as guests - unless of course you are going to her ?!?!?! Confused