do you sleep with your baby?

freidasima

Mon, Nov 09 2009, 11:57 pm

Chavamom, the fact that men (in my generation too) do dishes and change diapers doesn't necessarily mean that they are happy with it.
Maybe in your case it works, but there are husbands who do feel that it impinges on "their space", their bedroom, and their time with their wife, and on their marriage. Also maybe in america everyone has these big beds that lots of people can fit into. Try fitting two toddles and a baby and two adults into two 24 inch wide beds ISraeli style...the couch is a wonderful alternative in those cases for a decent night sleep if you have to get up to go to work at 6 AM.

chavamom

Tue, Nov 10 2009, 12:06 am

BTDT, Israeli style too.

I really think it's generational. My father learned to do dishes and wasn't happy about it. It was made all the worse b/c he grew up (and spent the early part of his marriage for that matter) with a stay-at-home wife who had an immaculate home with dinner on the table. I'm sure my father never saw my grandfather wash dishes, iron shirts or cook a meal. The difference is my husband's generation (and my sons' for that matter) is that they grew up with the expectation that they were going to have to do these things. It's a mentality. Sure, not everything works for all people in all situations, but for many that it works for - it's a mindset more than anything.

Last edited by chavamom on Tue, Nov 10 2009, 12:34 am; edited 1 time in total

chavamom

Tue, Nov 10 2009, 12:33 am

freidasima wrote:

Try fitting two toddles and a baby and two adults into two 24 inch wide beds ISraeli style...the couch is a wonderful alternative in those cases for a decent night sleep if you have to get up to go to work at 6 AM.

BTW - I had to come back to point this out. Do you see your underlying assumption here? *He* needs a good night sleep b/c he'll have to get up and go to work at 6 AM. And she is what? Chopped liver? In all likelihood she has to get up and go to work too, and even if not, those precious neshamos aren't going to let her sleep in much either.

raspberry tea

Tue, Nov 10 2009, 1:00 am

freidasima wrote:

Well I don't know if all fathers are really so happy about the situation. I know a few co sleepers from my days, good friends, and they did have kids every year or two and yes, there were times that in a small bedroom with two small beds there were two adults and three children sleeping.

Most of the husbands I knew at some point gave up and just moved to the sofa for years.
And yes, this was discussed, in fact some of them, knowing that I am a therapist, asked me to talk to their wives about getting the toddlers and anything but a tiny baby if necessary out of the bedroom so that they could have their bed, their bedroom and their wives back.

The funny thing was that all of these mothers (wives) thought that their husbands were just fine with it as they were happy and they thought that would make the husband happy too..

Bit of miscommunication here, but maybe in this generation husbands speak up more, who knows.

Rememeber here we happen to be discussing sharing a bed with a baby. At some point by a year I move my babies to a crib.

My DH has never objected to a baby sharing a bed with me.

I think if a DH's needs are being met, they are happy. Whether you have a baby in the room or not.

freidasima

Tue, Nov 10 2009, 1:27 am

Well in the cases IO knew the men did physical labor and had to get up early and a slip up from tiredness could mean a hand being cut off by a saw or something like that, hence "he" had better get a good night sleep. Not everyone has a white collar job where they sit.

As for being generational, my generation (the 50-60 crowd) certainly grew up knowing how to care for a household and wash dishes etc. Many had mothers who worked and they had done it from childhood. But when it comes to getting sleep, unless the mother has to get up to an outside job that is as long as a man and earns as much for the family parnosseh as he does, the idea is that the childrearing in the physical stages fell more on the mother as she was home for more hours than the father.

I'm glad that it works for you to co sleep.I know those for whom it didn't, or rather that the mothers liked it because it meant that they didn't have to get up to toddlers at night or older babies (no one is talking about newborns in bassinets next to a bed) but it did kind of put some of the fathers out of kilter.

And we aren't talking about for a year or two, on the average with five or six kids in those families spaced out over ten-fifteen years, that's a large chunk of your lifetime when it is a lot of people in your bedroom. I can only imagine that not every man, even from the younger generation, likes that idea.

And BTW as for rolling over on your baby, it's not a bubbeh maiseh and a mother, both mother and father, who is severely sleep deprived can and has done it. And babies have been smothered, depends on the size of the baby, the size of the mother and a lot of mazel.

GetReal

Tue, Nov 10 2009, 5:49 am

My dh is very happy that I got a good night's sleep with the baby in my bed. ds1 was in a crib and I was a zombie from walking to his room to feed him there every two hours, and then get him settled in the crib again. So this time around I wake up for about a minute, get him latched on, and we both go back to sleep. I think there is more intimacy going on in most households when the mother has some sleep and koach then when she is sleep deprived!

Hashem_Yaazor

Tue, Nov 10 2009, 5:55 am

chavamom wrote:

Oh, I didn't answer your question. My husband does not mind and even encourages it. He knows I get more sleep that way and a well rested mommy is a happy mommy.

(My husband is the one who initiated the whole concept of baby sleeping in my bed as he saw how helpful it is. Last night my daughter fell asleep on the living room floor while I was out at a shiur. I went to sleep, and woke up and saw my husband had brought her to me and she was snuggled at my side.
My 4 year old just happened to be in my husband's bed -- he said it makes his tummy feel better when he sleeps there, and he has a hard time sleeping on his own mattress...)

Annie

Tue, Nov 10 2009, 5:57 am

Okay, as the one who mentioned her 10 yr old who wants to be in her bed, I thought I'd point a few things out. First off, there are large spaces between my children, second of all she's in my room (not my bed anymore b/c there's no room) maybe once a month. And when they're bigger, it's certainly easier to work around their schedule.

Also, we did sidecar with my bed, so dh's bed was well away from the baby, so when they were little it was not an issue, and my 10 year old is the only one who was in my bed past a year.

Again, DH liked it when I slept better and since dd, in particular, never slept well in her own room, he was also woken up every two hours when she'd get up. It was a win-win for all involved.

One of my kids also took their shabbos naps with me until they were 5. I loved that extra cuddling time, and dh wasn't sleeping then anyway.

You know, it was funny, yesterday when I first posted, I was thinking to myself how happy I was that we were having a co-sleeping discussion that was extremely civil with everyone just stating their positions and no one questioning or being judgemental. If it had been the tone it is now, I probably wouldn't have even mentioned my 10 year old.

Hashem_Yaazor

Tue, Nov 10 2009, 5:58 am

freidasima wrote:

Would they prefer to get up a few times at night to feed their baby a bottle? Hmm?

Hashem_Yaazor

Tue, Nov 10 2009, 6:02 am

For the record, we have 2 twins.
For the second point on the record, a BREASTFEEDING mother who sleeps with her baby has a very different awareness of her baby than bottlefeeding mothers (not a dis, just facts that have been shown through a video study) and barring major contraindications like smoking, alcohol/drug use/abuse, obesity, etc they do NOT roll over their babies. A breastfeeding mother who breastfeeds during the night is not in any position physically capable of rolling over her baby. I do not let my husband sleep next to my little babies (it wouldn't help me, as I am the one feeding them anyway Wink

), because he doesn't have that same protection, but he can take care of the older kids and leave the little one to me Tongue Out

Pickle Lady

Tue, Nov 10 2009, 6:26 am

chavamom wrote:

My husband does not mind and even encourages it. He knows I get more sleep that way and a well rested mommy is a happy mommy.

My husband feels the same way.

I also sleep with my babies till about 12 or so months old and sometimes earlier. Many times they may start the night in the crib but I bring them into my bed at the first night time feed. If they are in the crib earlier in the night, it doesn't effect intimacy.

Fox

Tue, Nov 10 2009, 7:31 am

I can tell you how it worked in my family. Bear in mind that I had no philosophical commitment to "co-sleeping" -- it just worked out that way.

First, it is true that there is a small but significant danger of rolling over on a baby or, more likely, having the baby get smothered by bedding -- especially a newborn. For that reason, I kept a small bassinet (without a stand, obviously!) in my bed during the newborn phase.

As for DH, I tried not to co-sleep exclusively as my son got older. I would often let him fall asleep in my bed and then move him to his crib. I won't say this always worked, but it worked well enough. Bear in mind that when it comes to intimacy, very few couples with young children are able to maintain the spontaneity of their (relatively) child-free years at either end of the spectrum. Let's face it, when your kids are young, it's hard to muster a romantic mood amidst nosebleeds, ear infections, tummy aches, need-a-drink-of-water, can't-fall-asleep, etc.

I think that's why couples end up parking the kids with grandparents for a few days! Whoops! Wrong discussion! LOL

beilariva

Tue, Nov 10 2009, 11:09 am

amother wrote:

How do your husbands feel about their "snuggling time" with you taking second place to the children?

If you will have a large family, IYH, that's a whole lot of years for you to make your husband's second fiddle to the children.

I don't understand you. Who says that you have to snuggle with your husband when you are putting your kids to bed? When they are sleeping you can snuggle as much as you want and not necessarily in the same room. I never felt that DH comes in second place because of co-sleeping with the kids. We all get better sleep and snuggling times are better energized.

Inspired

Tue, Nov 10 2009, 12:37 pm

Fox wrote:

I can tell you how it worked in my family. Bear in mind that I had no philosophical commitment to "co-sleeping" -- it just worked out that way.

What does that mean? I think most co-sleepers are just like that. I know I am. I only found out there was any philosophy that included shared sleeping years after logic told me that that was what made sense for us.

gold21

Tue, Nov 10 2009, 12:50 pm

freidasima, women work darn hard too, and need the sleep just as much!! anyhow many women today are the earners, their hubbies are learners, so they certainly deserve a sleeping arrangement that helps them get enough sleep!! and stay at home moms also work very very hard. why do you think that life decisions should revolve around the needs of the husband?