Do you ask permission before playdates

keym

Wed, Feb 15 2017, 11:05 am

This question has been bothering me for a whilebut I decided to ask inspired by some other threads.
Do you think a parent should or has to run her schedule with the other parents before playdates?
I once had a parent who was very angry at me because her 4 yr old daughter played with markers at my house. It was washable, but her hands were a bit marked up. I thought she was crazy. I mean two 4 yr olds being supervised and coloring. Whats wrong with that?
But I would be annoyed if my kid was watching something or playing on a tablet as we try to extremely limit screen time. I find it affects their sleep.
So what do you all say? Do you need to ask parents about screens? Food? Activities? Park or bike riding?
Im so curious which community you identify with to see if theres standards in various communities or cultures. Also at what age.
Thanks.

gp2.0

Wed, Feb 15 2017, 11:33 am

I always ask parents if their kids are allergic to anything. But no one ever asks me. I guess people assume that parents with allergic kids will let you know. But I like to be sure.

I also don't allow screen time during play dates because a) I'm not sure if the other parent is ok with it and b) the whole point of a play date is to play with each other. But I accept that my kids will probably end up watching TV or a movie if they go on a play date.

IME, most people don't ask in advance about anything.

mummiedearest

Wed, Feb 15 2017, 11:33 am

I think it's appropriate to ask the parent of the child coming over if they are ok with: screen time, food (specifically due to allergies, but if the parents keep their kids off of some food for other reasons, they should notify you beforehand), and going on an outing. you should not have to ask permission for messy but standard activities, playing outside with adult supervision (on the block), or any other age-appropriate safe activity.

honestly, screen time on a playdate is just a waste of a playdate, but that's a different topic entirely.

SixOfWands

Wed, Feb 15 2017, 11:38 am

keym wrote:

Its been a while.

(1) I didn't discuss what I considered to be normal activities -- coloring, building, playing dress-up, playing with toys or games.

(2) I would mention a particularly messy activity, or give the child something to change into.

(3) I wouldn't take a child anywhere other than our house or yard without permission.

(4) Minimal screen time was OK. A lot of us used videos to end a playdate, or to break things up if things were getting out of hand. I wouldn't allow more than 10 to 15 minutes if I didn't know it was OK.

(5) If I had a concern that was out of the ordinary, I would express it to the hosts in advance. No screen time at all falls into that category for me.

keym

Wed, Feb 15 2017, 11:51 am

Thank you so much for making me seem normal.
Follow up question especially for those living in a mixed community. Did you only make playdates eith "like minded", familiesor were you ever in uncomfortable situations. Kids.eating chalav stam or hechsherim you dont use because there was nothing available?
Did you find parents respected your requests or totally ignored? And did you try to meet parents before allowing your kid over to play?

33055

Wed, Feb 15 2017, 12:20 pm

keym wrote:

I always met the parents before I would allow my children over someone's house. We always respected each other's wishes. There was never a position where there wasn't something to eat. If there was a question, I sent over food.

I usually only made play dates with like minded parents or stricter parents because I didn't want my children exposed to things. If there was something in my house like a DS that was not in the other house, I got express permission before my children were allowed to play with it during play dates.

amother

Aqua

Wed, Feb 15 2017, 1:04 pm

I posted a few months back because I was annoyed that my kid had been shown a video that was too mature for his age on a playdate and posters here acting like I was some super controlling mother who is trying to hide my kids from "the real world" Rolling Eyes

I really don't think I was so out of line. Personally, I do ask, because we live in a very mixed community where some families don't allow videos at all and even among those of us who do, there are differing standards (and common sense isn't always so common. I first saw Pretty Woman when I was 8- on a playdate!)
I will say, I don't think it's such a big deal to have some screen time on a long playdate. Most adults go to movies with friends or significant others as a fun activity, so I don't see why kids shouldn't sometimes do the same with their friends, as long as it's age appropriate. Food is also super important- allergies are quite common, and again, I live in a mixed community so issues of CY vs CS or yoshon etc are really varied and you have to ask. Other than that, I don't think you need to ask unless you're going to do something really outside the norm of playdate activities.

OOTforlife

Wed, Feb 15 2017, 1:26 pm

I think the onus is on the parent of the guest child to speak up about any limitations that are above the basic minimum of hygiene and safety.

I expect that on a play date my child will be treated similarly to the host's child, unless I say something to the contrary. I know that many families allow more sugar and more screen time than we do at home, but we choose to go by "when in Rome."

If we sent to a home that keeps different or no kashrut, then I would give appropriate instructions and send along snacks, and expect the other parent to either follow my instructions or decline the play date.

gold21

Wed, Feb 15 2017, 2:14 pm

We do lots of playdates with neighbors and stuff, and no I don't get angry about screen time or about anything really- but if im very unhappy with the way a playdate went, I just don't send back there.

When I am hosting a playdate, I dont allow screen time, and I do ask about allergies, and I supervise carefully but definitely not obsessively.

Pretty much all our playdates are with families I know well, such as neighbors and friends and classmates whose moms I have gotten to know.

But I don't analyze every potential playdate, question their hashkafos, or dissect their parenting philosophy before sending there. If I know and like the family, Im happy to send for a playdate. If the playdate really doesn't go well (like if they watched videos the whole time instead of playing, or if the kids were left unsupervised while the mom went to visit the neighbor, or something along those lines), I wouldn't send back. But no, I don't get angry. It's just a playdate.

Hope that helps.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Feb 15 2017, 2:21 pm

I never ask anything. If the parent of the child coming over wants me to know something, they usually tell me. I live in a MO community.
I already know my child' s friends where she may watch an hour of tv or the friend where they are usually going to put funky nail polish colors on.
Its all fine with me. I love it that she goes to different friends and has different experiences.

Chayalle

Wed, Feb 15 2017, 2:55 pm

I do try to invite to my house first, and send DD out once I get to know the parents at least somewhat - like I've met them at PTA, orientation, and school events a few times and feel comfortable sending DD there. I want to be sure that I'm sending my child somewhere safe and healthy.

Oddly enough, the one time I really got upset was when DD went to play at a close neighbor I had known for a few years, and she decided they were old enough to play outside unsupervised without asking me. They were five! I found out about it when the two of them decided to run across the street "just for fun" and a car screeched to a stop in front of them (!) and I heard about it from another neighbor who saw! I was really upset, I would never have believed this of the neighbor, and when I calmed down, I let the neighbor know my feelings, and that DD would not be able to play at their house until I felt I could trust that she would be supervised properly.

I remember a couple of years ago we had a Jewish video at our house, and DD had a friend over....I called to check if the mother was okay, and she told me they have an absolutely no-videos policy, and she really appreciated that I asked.

I would be thrilled if DD was at a friend's house coloring together with markers. Sounds great! If we had a wedding that night and I was worried, I would consider it my responsibility to discuss that with the parent beforehand.

gold21

Wed, Feb 15 2017, 3:01 pm

Chayalle wrote:

That's so negligent of her. Awful.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Feb 15 2017, 3:39 pm

[quote="Chayalle"]I do try to invite to my house first, and send DD out once I get to know the parents at least somewhat - like I've met them at PTA, orientation, and school events a few times and feel comfortable sending DD there. I want to be sure that I'm sending my child somewhere safe and healthy.
Same here

Oddly enough, the one time I really got upset was when DD went to play at a close neighbor I had known for a few years, and she decided they were old enough to play outside unsupervised without asking me. They were five! I found out about it when the two of them decided to run across the street "just for fun" and a car screeched to a stop in front of them (!) and I heard about it from another neighbor who saw! I was really upset, I would never have believed this of the neighbor, and when I calmed down, I let the neighbor know my feelings, and that DD would not be able to play at their house until I felt I could trust that she would be supervised properly.

WOW this is terrible.
I had once that my children were invited over to a neighbor also that I knew that let the children out in the pooring rain with out rainboots to 'splash' in the puddles. Children came hone drenched and I was very upset. Not physicly dangerous like your story though.

I remember a couple of years ago we had a Jewish video at our house, and DD had a friend over....I called to check if the mother was okay, and she told me they have an absolutely no-videos policy, and she really appreciated that I asked.

Ive had the screen time issue also. My son went to play at a child that I thought I knew that family well, and he came home telling me all about a video he watched there. I was not very happy about it. Besides that I limit screen time very much, I think it defetes the whole pepous of the play date to just sit them down in front of a screen.

I would be thrilled if DD was at a friend's house coloring together with markers. Sounds great! If we had a wedding that night and I was worried, I would consider it my responsibility to discuss that with the parent beforehand.[/quote]

Tablepoetry

Wed, Feb 15 2017, 3:40 pm

OOTforlife wrote:

This. And as shabbat said, it's good for kids to be exposed to different experiences.

I would not dream of announcing to parents that the kids are going to be coloring or baking or watching Frozen. I assume kids that come here are coming to play, with play clothes, not their best finery.

That said, this works when you live in a mixed community. Or where your lifestyle is the mainstream. If you live in a community much stricter than yourself, and you are the exception, then I guess you need to tread more carefully.