guests who repeatedly come and dont bring anything

chavs

Wed, Feb 25 2009, 6:33 pm

I would never ask about it in front of other people and I would ask in a non confrontational way as well. Its possible to ask lightly what happened without other people being present or embarrassing him.

ShakleeMom

Wed, Feb 25 2009, 7:35 pm

Even when I go to my Parents I bring flowers or something. I have a friend that I go to and always take along a huge batch of peanut chews, it disappears in minutes. It’s common courtesy, manners. If they are lacking, you can hint to them if you can be bothered. You can say next week I’m going to the Klein’s on Tuesday night to sleep over after a wedding. What can I take for them? Do you think flowers is appropriate, or should I just buy them like a fancy soap thing or something…

mimivan

Wed, Feb 25 2009, 8:17 pm

chavs wrote:

I honestly dont think you can expect a gust to help out or bring anything. Its nice if they do but not something you can expect, it just kind of stops being hachnasos orchim when you start expecting things and starts being a hotel.
If you start feeling resentful stop having guests until you can do it in the right spirit.

I agree with chavs...while it is good manners to bring something...to expect something is another matter. My dh says he feels a bit embarrassed when people feel they have to bring things.

someone

Tue, Jul 14 2009, 3:38 am

when I was in seminary in Israel and then after I made aliyah before I got married I used to bring something when I went to someone for the first time, but regular people who I went to every other week I just didnt have enough money to buy for. I used to help them out a lot more though because I felt more at home there and the kids knew me, so I felt like that was worth more than a gift. And I think that I used to buy something before chagim, like if I went somewhere for seder night or rosh hashana. as a hostess I like it when the people ask if theres anything they can bring, it shows that they want to bring something and they appreciate the effort you're going to but you also dont get stuck with bought cakes you dont want, or stuff with a hechsher you dont eat etc etc.

Blair

Tue, Jul 14 2009, 5:36 am

I don't expect anyone to bring me a present but what ever happened to good manners and proper etiquette. The way I look at it if you are going away for Shabbos or just a meal then you are saving the money by not purchasing the food and what ever you need to make Shabbos at home. I usually spend around 100NIS on a present when we go and stay at someones home. I find today that younger couples are not educated in proper etiquette and come empty handed but for sure invite an older couple and they will bring wine and flowers. I have taught my older son that when he goes to someone's home to bring a present and my younger son will also be taught the same thing.

Marion

Tue, Jul 14 2009, 6:34 am

I have a different problem...I don't bring wine because we don't drink, and because I don't want the host to feel either obligated to serve it or insulted if we won't drink it. I don't bring flowers because often we get to our hosts after Shabbat has come in (in the case of meals), and then they're stuck until after Shabbat, by which time the flowers are not so pretty. I don't bring chocolates due to nut/peanut allergies. I *might* bring some homemade goodies which are "safe", but I'm hesitant to do that when I go to someone who doesn't know what hechshers I hold.

happyone

Tue, Jul 14 2009, 7:05 am

Not on the gift part, I've said my share on that, regarding helping: I recently had a house full of guest that sat on their behinds from when they walked in. Their children were all over the place while the parents had a good time talking on the couch. By the time the morning came around, I just about had it. After the lunch seuda, I nicely asked all of them to give me ten minutes of their time to clear up a little. We were 6 adults and in half an hour the place was spin and span. It worked beautifully (they weren't gonna say no!) and I didn't slave away while they took their nap.
I learned you gotta ask. Not everyone knows guest etiquette and sometimes they must be put into place or gently asked.

shabri

Tue, Jul 14 2009, 7:14 am

Marion wrote:

I think I posted this earlier on this thread but I don't remember. I have a guest, one of the bochrim who comes often, who brings me a bottle of olive oil when he comes. He knows I appreciate it so much. Maybe its an idea for you

Raisin

Tue, Jul 14 2009, 7:28 am

Marion wrote:

what about some fruit? I love when people bring grapes or things like that.

Marion

Tue, Jul 14 2009, 7:31 am

Raisin wrote:

Marion wrote:

what about some fruit? I love when people bring grapes or things like that.

Difficult during shmitta, but a good idea that I'll keep in mind for the other years! (FTR, I do offer to help.)

Blair

Tue, Jul 14 2009, 7:57 am

Shmitta is over it should not be a problem any more. This past Shabbos went awy and brought a beautiful sectional tray with assorted nuts and candy.

Last edited by Blair on Tue, Jul 14 2009, 4:01 pm; edited 1 time in total

Marion

Tue, Jul 14 2009, 7:59 am

Blair wrote:

Shmitta is over it should not be a problem any more. This past Shabbos went awy and brought a beautiful section tray with assorted nuts and candy.

You're not reading closely. I said I'd keep it in mind for use during other years (ie, now). I also said I don't bring nuts or peanuts due to allergies (mine).

louche

Wed, Jul 15 2009, 11:30 pm

Marion, why can't you bring wine and tell your host that it's for THEM to enjoy when they like and they need not serve it at the present meal? I checked with an etiquette expert--ok, I didn't check, it was in a recent etiquette column in a women's mag--and the gift you bring is for the host, not a contribution to the meal you're eating (unless of course you arranged with the host in advance to bring something for the meal). They're under no obligation to serve what you bring.

That being said, if you prefer not to bring food.drink, why not go for something consumable that your hosts might not buy for themselves like extra fancy specialty paper napkins, an assortment of exotic black or herbal teas, specialty vinegars like fruit- or herb-flavored, specialty toppings for baked goods (assuming they bake) like candy crystals or dragees, or non-consumables that get worn out quickly like pretty aprons (if they wear them), oven mitts, kitchen towels, hand towels, especially if they're embroidered with "shabbat shalom" or something.

flowerpower

Wed, Jul 15 2009, 11:38 pm

I have guest a lot and find that the usuals don't bring anything -only the first time unless it's sleepover guest. I even feel better when the usuals come empty handed because that means they are comforable at our house. I do appreciate when they help-that means more to me.

queen

Wed, Jul 15 2009, 11:53 pm

amother wrote:

just a thought.. when I was pregnant with my first we were broke,
when we first got married we always brought flowers when we went to
people but then we went through a stage when we were literally broke
so we used to go out for shabbos at friends all the time and we didn't have
the money to bring something every week. I'm soo grateful to my friends
who had us over soo often.

One doesn't have to spend $$$ baking something shouldn't cost you more than $2 at most.
(of course pending on what you make!)

queen

Wed, Jul 15 2009, 11:54 pm

happyone wrote:

I learned you gotta ask. Not everyone knows guest etiquette and sometimes they must be put into place or gently asked.

I'm all the way with you!!!!!!!! We must speak up otherwise we're the ones who lose out.