TOO MANY GUESTS AT ONCE!

amother

Sun, Nov 08 2009, 1:51 pm

Let me start by saying I love having guests and sharing our Shabbat with other people.
The problem is when I invite one person/couple, then I 'have to' invite an additional 1 or 2 people otherwise its 'rude'. Everyone gets 'insulted'.

1 Example: I invite FIL and so DHs aunt must also be invited. Then I must invite FILs friend because they share an apartment and its 'rude' not to. Even if I want just family or a small amount of people and really want to invite FIL its always FIL+2/3 more. So thats automatically 5 people not three, which makes my choice of who I'd like to have over limited. I would prefer to have FIL and then 2 friends (instead of his two must-invite-people) so I can have people to talk to instead of everyone being 60+.

Anyhow, I try to aim for MAX 8 to 10 ppl, to DH thats boring but I learned to say too bad, then YOU cook and shop and clean! I can't handle more, I hardly have enough pots! Buy me more pots and get me a cleaner for the whole Friday then we'll have more discussions! Twisted Evil

(Hes been promising me new sets but theyre expensive)
Any more than 10 people and then its using 2 round tables instead of one round one, then its like 2 seperate meals which I can't stand since its not one long table. Even when they're pushed together its so akward and I have to make extra serving platters for the next table (which I do not have eitheir)

Plus, the community normally do big Shabbat meals, like 20 ppl but I did not grow up with so many people at meals and I can't handle hosting so many (yet) because Im still learning how to organize the planning, shopping, cleaning, etc and cook food that people in the community like! Plus I would much prefer to do one smaller meal a week rather than one big one a month!

It just gets out of control and I end up hating having guests, I don't get to talk because I'm busy cleaning, serving, getting extra forks, etc. I have a small kitchen too so I can't just stick stuff on the counter and clean up later, I have to put stuff away and dishes/serving platters have to get stacked and the food put away so I have room for other things.

DH of course doesnt get these things, I just need to chill out according to him but I can't just not prepare properly for the meal or leave everything in the kitchen and clean it later, it just won't work pratically speaking. I have relaxed a lot in not feeling rushed to get all the food on the table asap, not having to worry if everyone is comfortable every minute, I just do what I can in that sense.

[This isn't really a shalom bayit issue since DH knows I'm trying to be ok with it and he does help me as much as he can take it. So don't comment about that please.]

ARGH!! I just want to have a small-ish normal Shabbat.

mltjm

Sun, Nov 08 2009, 2:03 pm

Maybe you can come up with some sort of cycle, like: 1 week- a HUGE (whatever huge is for you and DH guest list) the next week, a smaller than that guest list, the next week even smaller or family only. That way you know what's coming a few weeks in advance and plan accordingly, and at some point everybody gets what they want.

Also, I don't think you should worry about who will be insulted if you don't invite them at the same time as person X. Most people understand the idea of limited space, etc and will move on. As long as you make sure to invite them a different week, they should get over it.

risa

Tue, Nov 17 2009, 5:40 pm

I agree. you don't "have to" do any of those things. you don't have to have guests every week either. it's not like these people are depending on your kindness for your meal. having said that, I HATE going out to eat with my family and when I get there, I find out that the host has also invited another family or whatever. it always happens that either we don't all click as a group and it's awkward or the hose and the other couple are much better closer than we are and we're left out of the conversation. we've learned to ask if anyone else will be there and if yes, we politely decline by saying that its just too hectic for our kids. if I invite one family to our family, I will not invite anyone else. it just gets too crazy.