When you walk into someone's house and it's........

Ronit

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 1:35 am

amother wrote:

it's also a matter of priority.
my priority is children first, house second.
so because of this my kids are allowed to play and jump and a mess happens.
I don't want to be policewomen - pick this up, pick that up etc and if you walk into my house evening time you will see a huge mess. I really try to clean it up before I go to sleep but I don't always have koach..
so don't judge others -- we all have strengths and weaknesses and cleaning is not my stregth.

Sigh. I am not talking about this.

There are also times I need to let go (even though I'll admit that it's hard for me) so the kids can have a good time.

Marigold

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 2:08 am

JudyJudith wrote:

amother wrote:

Sigh. I am not talking about this.

There are also times I need to let go (even though I'll admit that it's hard for me) so the kids can have a good time.

Judyjudith, maybe we start up a chessed agency as it seems we are the only 2 people on the same page!
Why do people have a need to justify their "normal messy house" when all we have in mind is making people aware that there is real neglect/filth out there that warrants intervention?
life's great, my sister, who is a wonderful woman btw, and has a house of girls, deliberately sends her daughters to do chessed each week to abovementioned houses. In fact one of them completely made pesach at such a house and no she never said she wont go back there again despite her fruitless efforts . Making a difference to such a home, even for 1 week, 1 day or a couple of hours is still a priceless gift and chessed. NO JUDGEMENT, JUST ASSISTANCE IN TIME OF NEED!

the world's best mom

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 7:50 am

Raisin wrote:

on the flip side I once visited a house that was completely immaculate. No surprises there, they had full time help. but what shocked me is that they had 2 kids, and one tiny box of toys - maybe 2 or 3 toys and not anything exciting like duplo. That was it. The mother said, oh they don't need toys since they are at kg all day.

I guess it's one way of keeping a tidy house, but I'm not sure I agree with it.

I know many families who have perfect homes without full time help. The kids are not allowed to play because it makes a mess, and the mothers neglect their kids because they're so busy cleaning. I think these are the kids who could use help, not those who, nebach, live with a mess in their house.

OPf course, there is a level of filth that is a big problem. It sounded like OP's neighbor's house might be one of them, but not necessarily.

Ronit

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 9:39 am

the world's best mom wrote:

Raisin wrote:

In response to the red:

NO NO I don't think that is normal. You can be a good mother & keep a clean home- of course there are times that you need to let go so that the kids can have a good time. BUT having a good time, doesn't mean making a mess.

You can also be a good mother even if your house isn't always shining.

BUT THAT ISN'T AT ALL WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE PART THAT I BOLDED.

It could be that I was mixing up with what op wrote & including some things in the picture in my mind from later posters, but there was alot of real dangerous levels of neglect spoken about on this thread. Why does everyone feel a need to defend such a situation by saying that it is normal? You aren't helping someone that comes on here to vent about symptoms of an illness by allaying her fears. True chesed would be convincing her to see a doctor & helping her change the situation in any way you can.

Some pple manage beautifully. Some pple are capable & need a push to help themselves. And others might need someone to jump in & take over. But I would like to add the following:

IT IS NOT NORMAL AND HEALTHY TO LIVE WITH... MOLD....LEAVE FOOD OUT ....REMAINS OF FOOD ON TABLES OR COUNTER FOR DAYS....DIRTY CLOTHES....POOPY DIAPERS ON THE FLOORS....PUDDLES OF URINE...

IT IS NORMAL FOR HOUSEHOLDS TO HAVE DISHES IN THE SINK...TOYS ON THE FLOOR...AN OCCASIONAL TURNADO HIT...PILES OF FRESH BUT UNFOLDED LAUNDRY...FLOORS THAT CAN'T BE LICKED.

Everyone has different levels of cleanliness, & are entitled to live how they want, BUT THERE IS A NORMAL RANGE.

I am done with this thread. Take care ladies.

I gotta go clean LOL

the world's best mom

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 10:26 am

JudyJudith wrote:

It could be that I was mixing up with what op wrote & including some things in the picture in my mind from later posters, but there was alot of real dangerous levels of neglect spoken about on this thread. Why does everyone feel a need to defend such a situation by saying that it is normal? You aren't helping someone that comes on here to vent about symptoms of an illness by allaying her fears. True chesed would be convincing her to see a doctor & helping her change the situation in any way you can.

IT IS NOT NORMAL AND HEALTHY TO LIVE WITH... MOLD....LEAVE FOOD OUT ....REMAINS OF FOOD ON TABLES OR COUNTER FOR DAYS....DIRTY CLOTHES....POOPY DIAPERS ON THE FLOORS....PUDDLES OF URINE...

Noone's disagreeing with the mold, food for days...
But yes, you were confusing the OP with other posters. Based solely on the OP, I would not jump to say her neighbor's kids must be neglected. That is jumping to conclusions.

life'sgreat

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 7:01 pm

JudyJudith wrote:

It may not always be possible to make things perfect, but who cares at least things will be better. So is no help better than some?

So it seems you are intent on bashing my liking for a clean environment & my feelings that it is truly important for a human being to function. Oh well go have fun.

I understand not everyones life is rosy. But that's what we are here for-to help eachother. Nu - & I consider this an important erea to help someone in. I don't think it's a luxury, but a neccesity to keep you functioning.

Maybe you don't understand what I consider filth. Leaving food out for days.....diapers on floors....mold....smelly place....and the many other things described.

Oh, let them get help, but again, it isn't always an option, contrary to what you believe.

No, I'm not intent on bashing you at all. I think it's awesome to have a clean home and I love it.

Now you're singing a different tune. I never said we shouldn't help each other. It could be a necessity (that isn't always available). I never said otherwise. I'm going to go back and quote what you wrote before that I objected to. Getting help wasn't the issue. It was the judgement of those who really can't manage.

Paddington Bear wrote:

life's great, my sister, who is a wonderful woman btw, and has a house of girls, deliberately sends her daughters to do chessed each week to abovementioned houses. In fact one of them completely made pesach at such a house and no she never said she wont go back there again despite her fruitless efforts . Making a difference to such a home, even for 1 week, 1 day or a couple of hours is still a priceless gift and chessed. NO JUDGEMENT, JUST ASSISTANCE IN TIME OF NEED!

Awesome, wonderful, whoopteedoo! Smile

That's not what I am referring to. I'm simply saying that there aren't always special people like your sister, or her daughters.

JudyJudith wrote:

IT IS NOT NORMAL AND HEALTHY TO LIVE WITH... MOLD....LEAVE FOOD OUT ....REMAINS OF FOOD ON TABLES OR COUNTER FOR DAYS....DIRTY CLOTHES....POOPY DIAPERS ON THE FLOORS....PUDDLES OF URINE...

Everyone has different levels of cleanliness, & are entitled to live how they want, BUT THERE IS A NORMAL RANGE.

I am done with this thread. Take care ladies.

No one said that's normal. No one (AFAIK). It isn't normal, and we all know that. No one excuses that. But there is no reason to judge someone in that situation.

life'sgreat

Thu, Jan 14 2010, 7:05 pm

Judy, this is what I am referring to. That's quite different than talking about the chesed others can do.

JudyJudith wrote:

Life's great you think I don't understand that everyone was created different...but I still what Tamiri wrote is true.

Even if s/o has a dissability & can't manage their home, if they love clean more than dirt & mess, they make it their priority. I'm sure this isn't the only thing that is hard for her, but usually we make things work if we want them to.

You can always hire outside help, get chesed, or have a trainer come down to your home to teach you housekeeping skills....but you need to really want it rather than the dirt, in order to make all that extra effort. Not e/o likes these options, or can afford cleaning help, but if they like cleanliness & think it's important they will look away at the other factors. Some pple would cut their expenses majorly in other ereas to make it possible to have cleaning help at least once a week.

I am not blaming them, but they obviously don't deem it that important. I otoh see that I'm a non functioning in a pig sty and therefore put this on the top10 of my list. If my house is in shape, then e/t else runs smoother.

I can try to find other posts that you posted in similar vein, but this should be enough. All of the bolded that you wrote above is judgemental. No, no one loves filth and stepping over dirty diapers. And if one lives in that situation, it isn't about priorities. It's because they can't function. Priorities would be when one has a simply messy home (which is NOT what this thread is about) and chooses to nap over cleaning up, which is her choice entirely and neither is wrong. But in cases like the above, it isn't about priorities. And judging them for living in such filth is wrong. Help them all you want, but that isn't what you wrote above. That is what you added later on.