Can I bring something? If I say no, please don't!

Raisin

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 10:36 am

greenfire wrote:

Peanut2 wrote:

Don't regret it. You did good.
As a host I appreciate the gesture. It means that people realize I worked very hard to make them delicious food. As a guest it means I appreciate my host and don't want my mother or MIL to kill me for arriving empty handed to someone's house.
I don't understand why people would feel upstaged. My parents have very close friends where the woman is an excellent challa maker. When my parents invite them over it's assumed she will bring challas. She has to tell my parents if she's not bringing any! She's just sharing her gift. How is that wrong? How sad would it be if people I invite as guests in my own home tried to upstage me!!

what on earth does your MIL have to do with you going out as guests - unless of course you are going to her ?!?!?! Confused

because her parents or dh's parents would be embarrassed that their son or daughter could behave like that.

Fox

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 11:02 am

The rule of thumb I've always read/heard is that hostess gifts should not by definition be "perishables" that require or suggest immediate serving. They should be items that the hostess can either serve with the meal if she feels so inclined or enjoy privately at some later time.

Wine is always appropriate -- though sometimes I think people just pass around the same bottles of bad wine throughout a community. I also like bottles of fancy grape juice, which seem to be eagerly greeted. Candy or cookies are also generally welcome. But a guest who brings a salad, hot dish, or an elaborate dessert after having the offer declined? At best, a bit socially inept, and at worst, trying to make a statement.

Some of the best hostess gifts I've received over the years were non-food items: a set of two nice potholders; a netilas yadaim towel; fancy scented hand soaps; unusual kitchen gadgets. All of them reflected actual knowledge of me and what would make me happy, and none of them were so costly as to make me uncomfortable.

mominisrael2

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 4:14 pm

Fox wrote:

Some of the best hostess gifts I've received over the years were non-food items: a set of two nice potholders; a netilas yadaim towel; fancy scented hand soaps; unusual kitchen gadgets. All of them reflected actual knowledge of me and what would make me happy, and none of them were so costly as to make me uncomfortable.

The best hostess gift I ever got was a coffee mug hand-painted with my and DH's names, filled with jelly beans...only problem is that you can only give it once per family, I guess! And be talented enough to decorate a mug Smile

Another good one was a wine cork painted to look like the Kotel (upon hearing that we were making aliyah)...

SavtaHelen

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 5:02 pm

I don't think that my world is perfect, but invite anyone who lives in a situation like Fridasima describes to

come join me. Now I can really appreciate what I've got. I don't "show off" with my clothes or cooking (or anything else I can think of except my GRANDCHILDREN!!) and don't expect that my hosts will either. I try to prepare good healthy tasty food for people to enjoy together.

And anything you want to bring me will ALWAYS be appreciated!

Here's to less competition and more conversation!

Chani

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 6:51 pm

I would be THRILLED if somebody brought food. The more the better! My kids eat a lot. Heck, I eat a lot. And I'm not very particular either. In fact, we sometimes have very strange combinations, depending upon what's left over in the refrigerator. (Anyone want a little pumpkin curry soup with a beef enchilada on the side? That was dinner!) Moreover, sometimes DH takes something I planned to serve for shabbos to work for lunch on Friday, so then I'd REALLY like some extra food. And if your food is better than mine, then all to the better!

But I would never tell a guest to bring food. I'd just be overjoyed if they ignored my halfhearted protests and brought something anyhow.

Very Happy

He*Sings*To*Me

Wed, Oct 07 2009, 7:53 pm

gem wrote:

A few years ago, before I was married, a friend invited me along to someone's home for a Pesach seder. She had confirmed with the hosts (a family I had never met) that they were happy to have us both. A few nights before Pesach, my friend called and suggested to me that I should bring something vegetarian (I am vegetarian). I thought it was kind of odd (these people did not know me or my level of kashrus), but I assumed it was a "pot-luck" style dinner-- everyone would bring something (why else would my friend have suggested that I bring something?). I'm not a great cook, but I managed to put together a fairly nice salad.

When I arrived, I was the only guest who had brought something-- the hosts had a lovely meal prepared, and served, by a gourmet caterer! They acted insulted that I had brought something and didn't thank me for bringing it (if only I'd known...I'd never been to someone's house where the entire meal was catered). At dinner they only offered my salad to my friend and me, and when I went home, they sent the rest of my (sad) salad home with me. I was SO embarrassed!!

The faux pas was on the part of your friend on two levels: as the guest of a guest, you were not obligated to bring a dish if it HAD been pot-luck style, but rather it was your friend's place to provide; and, furthermore, when a guest (including one whose been told to feel free to bring a guest) isn't also asked to bring a dessert, salad, etc. it is an "unspoken" rule that everything will be will be provided (in other words, it's catered).

In all situations, it is ALWAYS appropriate, appreciated, and customary to bring a hostess gift, such as a bottle of wine or a box of fine chocolates.

Having said that, well-bred people don't act insulted when any gesture of kindness is extended their way, but graciously accept it, always considering the feelings of the other. New Money=No Class. You certainly did not deserve to feel as small as I am sure you left their seder feeling, as though you'd done something wrong.

amother

Thu, Oct 08 2009, 3:25 am

He*Sings*To*Me wrote:

gem wrote:

He*sings*to*me, I agree with everything you wrote except that "new money= no class"... You might want to think how that could be insulting to anyone who has come into money or worked hard and earned money later in life. There are some people who had a great, poor upbringing, and didn't suddenly turn into rude snobs just because they came into money. Although that can happen, and I see it over and over again (so I totally understand the generalization), it is a generalization that can be insulting to people who have a lot of "new" money, but are still kind and well-mannered.

mominlkwd

Tue, Mar 02 2010, 3:39 pm

I don't see anything wrong with bringing something unexpected. I love to cook and bake and I always have everything planned to the tee when I have company, but if you bring me dessert or an extra side I am thrilled to serve it. When we invite guests I always ask what the kids will eat, what her husband likes, so that I make sure to have something for everyone, why should it bother me if they bring something extra that I know they will eat. I also offer whenever I go out, if they say no I ask " are you sure" if they are adamant then I bring wine or a fruit platter.

I really think people only mean to show appreciation and they would be really shocked to know how their gifts were received.

DefyGravity

Wed, Mar 03 2010, 10:37 am

OP, I could have written this post! In fact, I've complained about this here multiple times. I have no problem if people bring a bottle of wine, because that can always be used another time. However, I hate it when I tell guests not to bring anything, no dessert, candy, etc., and they still bring candy or dessert. I don't need extra dessert lying around and I definitely don't want candy. If I went to the trouble of making food, I don't want something extra. Please respect my wishes!!!!